Arwen

Arwen has been told by her medical doctor that she needs counseling about several things; the death of her mother, dealing with coworkers and problems with her marriage. She vehemently denies that she and Chane are having problems. Yet this weekend, Chane shared with me how she will not spend time with him but expects him to want to have sex with her. She won’t even enter a conversation of any length with him. Wants him to listen how her day went as they drive 45 minutes home but won’t listen to how his went. She claims it is because she doesn’t understand his job. To me, that is beside the point. He just needs you to listen. Dirk has told me that he has given up on trying to tell her about his day at work. She just doesn’t listen to him either.

I had long conversation with Dirk during our 2 hour drive back from their house Monday morning. Told him some things that I was free to tell from my conversation with Chane. Dirk told me he and Arwen are having problems as well (I sensed this) but he is having trouble pinpointing what they are exactly. He says everything is always someone else’s fault with Arwen. She refuses to see how others feel about things (even the three of us). And the one that scares me….she is becoming emotionally clingy to Dirk again. This I can not handle right now. It brings up too many issues from our past that I have been trying to put behind me. However, the scabs are just forming on some of the wounds. Arwen would have taken Dirk away from me in a heartbeat if she could have. She almost succeeded. I have to trust Dirk not to let things get the way they were in the beginning. Thing with that is…I’ve been having to build my trust back for Dirk because of things he has let happen. And I’m not going into those here.

But, I think they are having marriage problems. I offered for Dirk and I to step back for a little while so they could work on things. She will turn to Dirk unless she doesn’t have another choice. However, Dirk and I also feel this is a time when Chane needs his friends and loved ones the most. We are unsure how to proceed.

Chane wanted to make the trip to see his dad the weekend prior to when we actually went. He specifically asked Arwen to ask for that weekend off. She called to see if she was on the schedule. She wasn’t. Should have been great, right? Arwen asked them to put her on the schedule even though Chane had asked her to take the weekend off so they could go see his dad. Now, this pissed Chane off, true, but it hurt him as well.

Examples, (and I am not just taking Chane’s word for these since Arwen will admit it if you ask her…she doesn’t see anything wrong with her behavior), Chane will ask her to go to a movie with him and ask her which she would like to see. She says she doesn’t care and he’ll name 4 or 5 that he would like to see and tell her again that they can see one she would like to see. She then says she doesn’t want to see any he listed and will go on to say she doesn’t even want to go now since he didn’t mention the one she wanted to see. Now, he asked her twice which one she wanted to see and she didn’t name one either time. He asked her to go to a gun show with him (Dirk and I were going as well) and she said she doesn’t like them (well, I don’t either really and I just followed them around most of the time) and wouldn’t go. She chose to get her hair done. Then once it was she kept calling Chane to see when he was leaving the show (called 4 or 5 times). We all finally just left and went to met her at the mall. Not only didn’t she go with him but she wasn’t willing to let him spend as long as he’d like there. He has asked her to watch a TV show with him. She says no. Now, if it wasn’t her type of show, she could have at least sat with him and read a book. It’s all about spending time together. In any way that you can. That makes you closer. And when you are close you have a tendency to want sex. Which is all she appears to want from either of them other than waiting on her. An example of how bad that is…she’ll get out of bed to go to the bathroom and come back into the room, get back in bed and immediately ask one of them to go get her something to drink. Now, she had to walk through the kitchen to get to the bathroom and back to the bedroom.

I don’t get her, I don’t trust her much, and this behavior just pisses me off. And I’d say something to her when her asks me to wait on her if I thought she my guys wouldn’t reap some of the repercussions. I hold my tongue a lot to save them that. There are times I want to tell her she doesn’t deserve either one of them and just take both my men home with me and show them that I appreciate them very much.

He knows

Talked to Chane tonight. That sorry man forgot to tell me that he talked to his dad a few days ago and his dad figured things out. Putting a few things together and something he heard. Called and asked Chane if it were true and if it were something he wanted to be common knowledge. Chane told him it was true and nothing he was ashamed of so, yes, it was ok if people knew about us. So, we are still trying to decide if we should go or not.

Dirk and I have talked and know we will have two evenings to spend together after the weekend before he goes back to work on midnight shift. Knowing he and have talked, he feels the same and we are on the same page about taking advantage of the other two evenings helps that situation a lot.

I miss my husband.

And I’m feeling selfish I suppose.

I miss Dirk. As I’ve said, he works shift work. For the last two weeks and for the next week, he has been working 12 hour days. Most of which have been 4pm to 4am. Now they are 4am to 4pm. We haven’t spent any real time together other than a few minutes here or there because he is either at work or asleep. And he can’t help this. Granted, he isn’t seeing Arwen either. Not getting the chance to talk with her alot due to their conflicting work schedules.

But I miss him.

This coming weekend is his one weekend off a month and I’m feeling selfish. It is always assumed that we will spend that weekend with Chane and Arwen. And though I’ve long ago had to accept that she gets his good time most often (the unstressed time off) this arrangement has been working. Now, Chane needs to go see his family this weekend. We usually go with them. His mother and sister know about us and are very accepting of the situation. We’ve spent some time with Chane’s father but he hasn’t felt able to tell him our relationship. I fully understand that. I haven’t told mine either. Actually, Chane is the only one to tell any of his family. But, his dad specifically asked him to come over. Seems he is getting married on May 9th and has been asking Chane to come over for two weeks. Arwen has worked both those weekends. She has asked us to go with them to see his family.

I’m hesitant because this is mostly for Chane’s dad and I don’t want anything to interfere with this time for him. And I want this weekend with Dirk to myself. I know selfish. I’m afraid to mention not seeing Chane and Arwen because I know they will be offended and hurt. And while I feel I have a good reason for us to stay home while they go without us, it will not be perceived as such. And I know Dirk and I will miss them. I do.

I need time with Dirk. If it were a weekend off that Chane and Arwen were not traveling out of town, I would suggest splitting the time up. But this is a either or type situation due to the need to travel.

Part of me feels really awful for even considering not seeing them since our time with them is so limited. I just feel soooo disconnected with Dirk. He has had some really difficult weeks. I want and really need some quality time with him. Well, basically, I just need time with him. What should I do? And I know you can’t really tell me what I should do. I think I just need some perspective here.

Fun

I went on a date with Chane today. I had the day off and he took it off. We spent about 6 hours together to day. Saw a movie, the Haunting in Connecticut (which btw was a great movie), did a bit of shopping and went to a new thai restaurant. We both agree will have to take Arwen and Dirk back there. The food was very good. I had a very good time with him and am grateful for the chance to spend a few hours with him. I try not to be greedy when we get these opportunities. We did this last month and again this month. We’ve all decided we’ll try to this chance for dyad dates with boyfriends and girlfriends once a month. It really can’t be anything but good for each relationship and so far, we all are handling it well. Neither dyad has taken the chance to have sex during this opportunity. Just proof that, unlike what many believe, poly relationships are not really for the sake of sex. Loving someone just often takes that form with it can.

I love that man

Dirk has left for a date with Arwen. From an earlier post you may remember, this hasn’t always been easy for him. Splitting his time. Not only is he doing it again, but he is gone when he knows that I’m feeling under the weather. If I had needed him to stay home with me I really would have told them both so. So, another big step along the road for my husband! Another big thing…no drama involved in any way from Arwen regarding this date either! I hope they have a great time!

The turning point.

I’ve been trying to figure out the turning point for us in this relationship. The point when it just i guess, “clicked”, that we were really going to be able to handle this situation that we fell into. I’m just not sure when it happened at all. I don’t think it was just one thing. I do know that as is normal, it took loads of communication. And it took a conscious effort on the part of Dirk and I to try not to get defensive from the beginning. Not to pick on him but, he would immediately get defensive whenever asked a question or a topic was brought up. This eventually caused me not to want to talk with him about anything at all. And that only hurt the relationship he and I had for years and years. That more than anything, I feel, was what came close to ending our marriage. We got to a place where we didn’t communicate any more and it was awful. Realizing what it was costing us, finally dawned on him and we both started trying to talk our feelings out.

Another thing that I feel helped turn the tide was Dirk realizing he didn’t have to feel guilty about who he spent his little off time with. Shift work means he has little off time when the other of us have it. As an example, he had a day off that happened to be a holiday to both Arwen and I. She wanted him to spend the day with her and it caused him grief to have to decide which of us to spend the time with. I more than made it clear that he could have the whole day with her but it didn’t sit well with him. I then suggested he didn’t have to chose between us. Spend half the time with Arwen and half the day with me. I’m not sure why this was a big enough problem for Arwen that she almost didn’t spend the time with him at all. She and I finally had some words over it. Constructive for us actually. I just didn’t get why she would chose to not spend time with him at all if she couldn’t have the whole day. I think she needed to feel, or wanted to feel, that she was important enough for him to chose her and not care how I felt about being left alone. She and I are different. And I didn’t word that well. I don’t get her reasoning or why she needs certain things but it doesn’t make her wants and needs less valid. She, like me, just has to realize that compromise is needed to make all four of us comfortable with a situation.

Due to a second part time job Arwen has taken, we are actually very limited in the time we all see each other now. We went from seeing so much of each other to barely seeing each other at all. I finally had gotten to the point I couldn’t stand it any more. I talked to all three of the others and found that they were feeling just as disconnected as I was…at least to some degree. I made a vow that nothing short of death was going to keep up from having date nights that week. Dirk and Arwen went out on Thursday night since they both happened to have that night off. After a bit of drama again about a date (Arwen wasn’t going to go if we weren’t going to end up spending the night at their house), they finally went. (I think Arwen wants it all at once or nothing and that just isn’t always possible.) Chane and I went out Friday night. Much needed face to face time for us all. Especially Dirk and Arwen because they just do not communicate well at all unless they can see and hear each other speak.

What was the turning point in this? Dirk came home and was very free to admit that he had had a great time with Arwen and hadn’t worried about me being at home alone by myself at all. HUGE step for him. The next night Chane and I had a great time at dinner and the movies. But as much as I needed that time with him, I really think I was happiest about the way it had gone for Dirk. I was so thrilled he had had a good time and was able to be unconflicted about it.

I have the day off Friday. After going to a work function with Dirk Thursday night (not somewhere he can show up with the girlfriend instead of the wife), I will be spending some time with Chane on Friday. Neither Dirk nor Arwen have the day off and that makes it easier for us to see each other. I’ll make the effort to let you know how it went.

Been too long

I had every intention of posting here about our polyamorous journey on a regular basis. I thought it would be natural for me to use this outlet. Afterall, the internet and I are bosom buddies. However, I found it not as convenient as my traditional paper journal. Mainly because the internet, and therefore this blog, are not available to me when I feel the need (sometimes extreme) to get things written out. the writing process helps me sort through things and at times it is important for be to get the thoughts and feelings in some kind of order as soon as possible. Especially if I don’t want those feelings to get out of control. I carry the journal with me pretty much everywhere I go. Until very recently I didn’t have a laptop only the pc we had at the house and my work doesn’t allow us to go to such internet sites. They monitor our activity. Besides, I really do have work that needs to be done. But if I happen to each lunch in my building instead of leave, I do have my traditional journal available and can write in it then.

I do enjoy perusing other blogs regarding polyamory when I have the chance. It’s like support for me in a way. Knowing others are going through some of the same things our quad has faced is nice and seeing how they deal with these issues has at times been a big help for me. So…..thank you to all who put your life out there for others.

As a quick update…our quad is stronger than ever. It has been over 2 years since we first started seeing each other and June will make 2 years since we all four exchanged matching rings. Our children, particularly mine and Dirk’s, are more accepting than they were. Partly die to the fact that, after all this time, it has become apparent to them that this is not going to split their family up.

We no longer have sex in the same room or in any kind of groupings other that heterosexual couplings between spouses and so. Although Arwen is bi and I am not, we were intimate for a while. That changed largely, I believe, to the fact that I had to tell Arwen that while I did love her and look at our relationships as one big marriage so to speak, I wasn’t “in love” with her like I am Dirk and Chane. And I have stopped feeling guilty about that. Turns out our relationship is being for that. We both know where we stand and are progressing rather well as friends. Maybe one day, she and I will be intimate again. I’m not adverse to that at all as long as it is kept in context. Does that sound off to you?