Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Mediating Relationships

Dirk and Arwen had a lot of their talk yesterday. However, she wanted Chane to be there for it and offered Dirk the opportunity for me to be there as well. Chane came to get me since I had left the room to give them privacy and told me they wanted us to mediate.

I’m the one that did most of that. It was very stressful for me. I know how Dirk is feeling and I so have issues with Arwen. However, I do believe I did a pretty good job. They have a lot of work yet to do but I hope the things they both agreed to yesterday will help.

A few things were addressed to me and I think I handled those well, too. I don’t know that it actually solved anything but at least it has given Arwen food for thought on where I stand on a couple of things.

I have to say that I am thoroughly drained today. And a bit antsy. We spent the night with them last night and are still at their home. I believe Dirk would like to stay tonight since he and Arwen were so tired last night that neither of them were up to discussing the few things that should be talked about privately.

I’m still trying to sort out why I’m feeling so restless and I wondering if it is because I want to limit the amount of time I spend with Arwen and I’m getting more of it than I was really ready for this weekend. I suppose, in a way, that just can’t be helped.

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Better Than the Fairy Tale

I was discussing the “fairy tale” relationship with a friend this morning. It lead me to thinking I should follow up on my original post about this.

We started talking about a relationship that would just “fall” into place. One that really didn’t require work…it was food for thought and not something we expect to find. Though we both are currently in relationships that are about as close to this as you can get I guess.

Then we mentioned the fairy tale. And soul mates. But I want to share with you what I told her were my thoughts on the fairy tale.

I think I really believed in the fairy tale before. My sisters still seem to. Particularly the one who has two divorces. They don’t get our poly lifestyle at all for the most part.

Here’s the better than the fairy tale part my title refers to. There is something to be said for knowing your partner chooses to be with you each day when they wake up. To know he is there because he wants to be….not because some unseen “force” is holding him there.  Accepting that he doesn’t have to be with you, that you aren’t “entitled” to his presence or his love, as the fairy tale implies, but yet you find him there every day…day after day with plans for the future with you, makes the finding him there  amazing.

Knowing he wants to be with you and consciously makes the decision to be there actually reaffirms the love you have for each other. It keeps it a constant, awesome thing in the forefront of your life. And helps you to truly be grateful for that love and the person who holds it for you.


Sharing Some Other Things I Like

I was required to memorize this poem in high school for some reason. Just one of those things we were each asked to select from a short list to do.

With this poem and some of his other works I found I have a fondness for “dark things”. I’ve since found different types of work, from the written to the artistic, that I like in the dark style as well.

But here’s what started that for me:

The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
“‘Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door –
Only this, and nothing more.” 

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; – vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow – sorrow for the lost Lenore –
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore –
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me – filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating,
“‘Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door –
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; –
This it is, and nothing more.”

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
“Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you”- here I opened wide the door; –
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, “Lenore?”
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, “Lenore!” –
Merely this, and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
“Surely,” said I, “surely that is something at my window lattice:
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore –
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; –
‘Tis the wind and nothing more.”

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore;
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door –
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door –
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore.
“Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,” I said, “art sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the Nightly shore –
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning- little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blest with seeing bird above his chamber door –
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as “Nevermore.”

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered- not a feather then he fluttered –
Till I scarcely more than muttered, “other friends have flown before –
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.”
Then the bird said, “Nevermore.”

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
“Doubtless,” said I, “what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore –
Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore
Of ‘Never – nevermore’.”

But the Raven still beguiling all my fancy into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;
Then upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore –
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking “Nevermore.”

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom’s core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion’s velvet lining that the lamplight gloated o’er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamplight gloating o’er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then methought the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor.
“Wretch,” I cried, “thy God hath lent thee – by these angels he hath sent thee
Respite – respite and nepenthe, from thy memories of Lenore:
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

“Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil! – prophet still, if bird or devil! –
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted –
On this home by horror haunted- tell me truly, I implore –
Is there – is there balm in Gilead? – tell me – tell me, I implore!”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

“Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil – prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us – by that God we both adore –
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore –
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore.”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

“Be that word our sign in parting, bird or fiend,” I shrieked, upstarting –
“Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!- quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
And the lamplight o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted – nevermore!

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Things Are Changing

Changes are ahead for Chane and I. And, truthfully, I am surprised.

I clearly stated in written form what I need/want from this relationship and from him. I wasn’t rude, mean or really emotional as I had hit that point of being Ok with any way things turned out for us. I was thoroughly prepared for things to end because I didn’t believe he was willing to try this.

I was told differently.

He wants a relationship with me even if Arwen and Dirk do not work things out. He says he has talked with her. I have to believe that because he is actively discussing with me how we can make things work within this new dynamic. Dates, sleep overs and all things involved. When he asked had I thought of how we will find the opportunities for intimate time (we can figure out the other time together), I had to say that I hadn’t given it much thought. That I was surprised he wanted me outside of the group setting. But I assured him I would work on this with him. And I will.

Apparently, he still wants those once a week dates as well.

Things have been rough with he and I. I haven’t felt really wanted for me, as an individual, in a very long time. I told him what I need and he is responding with a true effort to work with me. I chose to give this a chance.

Slowly. In a way, I believe that we need to treat this as a new beginning, a new relationship in some ways, so that we can work on things. We are so used to the group setting and changing that dynamic will be strange at first. We may find that neither of us, or one of us, isn’t able to do this. I know that. But, trying is going to be worth it to me.

And it will be a change for Arwen and Dirk. Time we spent as a group will be time Chane and I will now spend alone and leaving them at home.

Just going to try to take things slowly but really start making the changes.


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Friends Blog

I have a lovely friend that I’ve never met in person. She inspires me and her blog is a pleasure for me to read. It often makes me think and that’s a compliment from my point of view.

Her latest post hit something in me and was so thought provoking that I wanted to repost it for you here.

So, from LovingRadiance, please enjoy this post.

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Are You Stressed Out Right Now?

With the Post a Day/ Post a Week Challenge, WordPress.com has been kind enough to offer up daily topics. Since I am not doing the daily post, there will be topics I don’t use. I’ll keep a list of them and may use older ones I’ve passed by at a later date. I still plan to post on poly issues as well. What I am thinking about, and it will be both difficult and fun, will be to take a random daily topic and see if I can apply it to polyamory. Who knows where that will lead my thoughts or what I may learn?

So, for topic #6 proposed by WordPress.com;

Are you stressed out right now? If so, why? If not, why not?

Yes, I am. Work-wise it’s a busy time of the year and I’m getting close to missing some deadlines because of software problems making things not balance.

This week I needed things to go well in order to accomplish enough to be out of the office for personal matters a couple of days.

The personal matters are stressful as so much has to be done in such a short amount of time.

Maybe I wouldn’t be so stressed if I weren’t still recovering from being sick and on antibiotics for two weeks (bronchitis sucks). Said medications have wrecked havoc with my body, From insomnia to stomach ailments. One more day of the meds and that will be all. Hopefully, my body will re-group quickly.

Relationship-wise, I’m not stressed. Things with hubby, Dirk, are good. Great. Things with Chane are in a holding pattern. And that’s been ok because I’ve been sick and not up to much. We’ve had contact via text messages (not the normal amount and not while Arwen was around for a while) but it’s been strained.

It’s odd I suppose but, I’m prepared for things to go either way. Better or over or different. I’m just not prepared for them to stay at the place they are now. Better would be closer to what we once envisioned, over is over, and different would be he’d still be in my life but the dynamics would be different. Friends with benefits maybe. And no longer exclusive. That gives the impression that things are more than they are. To myself more than to others.

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What Will The New Year Bring to My Life and My Blog?

My life;
I don’t usually make resolutions each year as I feel I shouldn’t try to improve just once a year only. And there’s the fact that I just procrastinate. I haven’t always been that way….procrastinating. I used to plan everything, and I mean everything.

When my children were in a car accident over 5 years ago and one of them almost died, I had a drastic change in that behavior.

Then, came the last four years of learning to deal with and thrive in polyamory. In the beginning things were so difficult that I didn’t have emotional resources to cope with much of anything else. I don’t always know how I made it through sane and happy and glad for the journey. Now, I’ve just gotten lazy and disorganized I feel.

What I would like to find is a happy middle ground. I’ve been to the extreme on both sides and somewhere between those two points would be nice.

Though resolutions aren’t normally my thing, I do have a tendency to take stock of things ever of often. I have been reevaluating relationship wants verses relationship requirements lately.

If you’ve read some of my blog, you’ll know that I struggle with my relationship with Chane. I love him and I’ve come to realize he loves me too. But aren’t there times that isn’t the issue? The loving part? There are times you can irrationally love someone you aren’t truly compatible with. I don’t get out of this relationship some things I want/need. And I’m learning that the major things are not so much wants as needs. Or I guess requirements.

I’ve tried to compromise for a few reasons. One being, I have two different relationships. With two different men. They should NOT be the same. And differences should be something you take pleasure in. I’ve come to realize from my perspective that different doesn’t have to mean I’m doing without a core need of mine. It seems there are things I just can’t compromise on.

Trust. I need to feel I can trust a person. We blindly trust people to an extent before we come to know them. Not with deep personal stuff but we seem to begin a relationship, of any kind, with the belief that this person is not bad. With the assumption that is isn’t their goal in life to hurt us. If the bare basics of limited knowledge of each other holds that trust to be valid, we start sharing more and as each step continues that way, we find ourselves building trusting relationships.

In an intimate, romantic relationship, I need to know I can trust this person. I’ve opened myself up to this person to get to this point. Will he catch me when I fall? Will he step out of his comfort zone to stand for what we have? I may never need a lover to do that but I need to know if it came down to it, he would. Not to the detriment of other relationships he has. No, I wouldn’t want that. But, even as a secondary to him, there will be times he needs to be there for me. To say, “I chose to love this person and I will back that up.”.

I’ve realized that the constant stress and fear of someone outside my relationship having control of said relationship is something I no longer am willing to live with. I don’t like knowing that Arwen controls whether I am in a relationship with Chane or not and that she can define what that relationship is. I don’t like that Chane won’t stand for our rights.

I need/require a man who will talk with me. Who will share feelings with me. Who is willing to work at making a relationship work instead of letting it coast or ignoring when it starts heading back in reverse. I’ll open myself up to you, I need the same from you. I need you to be willing to have open, honest, and at times, difficult discussions with me. I don’t like sweeping things under the rug. It does not work for me, I will only withdraw into myself. I try not too but I know my limits and you reject me in that way too many times and I will stop making myself vulnerable to you.

I’ve done my best over the years to explain there things to Chane. He doesn’t appear to listen and changes the subject normally. He blows me off.

What will become of he and I? I don’t have much hope at this point. I now am very aware of my core relationship needs. His are not the same. I’m just willing to give things one final try if he will cooperate. But I don’t see it.

So, if/when things end, I don’t believe I will seek out another BF for a while. I’m a bit exhausted from this one. LOL

Besides, I have a good man in my life. One that I’ve been with through hell and he came out the other side with me. A man that will hold my hand when I grieve the loss of a BF. A man that will encourage me to find another when I feel able. A man and a relationship that most people would envy me for . Almost 29 years!

Will I love monogamously? Maybe. At least for a time. I suppose you could say it would be monogamous by circumstance and not by beliefs. I will always believe poly is a viable alternative. I will most likely have a BF again one day. When the time comes for me to try again, I will have more experience under my best and better understanding of what I need. And that’s a good thing.

My blog;
I’ve committed to posting once a week. I’d prefer once a day but I know internet access for me isn’t easy these days.

I have a poly blog. I enjoy writing about that. I want others to know they are not alone in this. The journey has been an long, difficult and rewarding one. However, what can I really write about poly? I’ve covered much. I need to get some thoughts bouncing around more concrete and maybe revisit some things.

But—–should I expand? Should I take some or the topics being suggested in the challenge and write about them in general? Not always make it around poly?

Hmmm? If you are reading this, please let me know what your thoughts on that are.


im going to post once a week!

I’ve decided I want to blog more. Rather than just thinking about doing it, I’m starting right now.  I will be posting on this blog once a day / once a week for all of 2011. I know it won’t be easy, but it might be fun, inspiring, awesome and wonderful. Therefore I’m promising to make use of The DailyPost, and the community of other bloggers with similiar goals, to help me along the way, including asking for help when I need it and encouraging others when I can. If you already read my blog, I hope you’ll encourage me with comments and likes, and good will along the way .

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