Life Is Good

I’ve been thinking about our life a lot today. The choices we’ve made. How we’ve handled this polyamorous relationship…with the mistakes we’ve made and the things we have done right. We’ve come out in a good place I feel. But, it’s been a while since I’ve had this conversation with Chane. Dirk and I are doing amazingly well these days. In our marriage and in our attitudes and how comfortable we are with all of this. I wish I knew what was the final “click” for us. I’d share it with others if I could figure it out. But, then, that probably wouldn’t be their final click.

I’ve thought about that Chane seems to know when I am upset and confused and frustrated enough to blog about us. He doesn’t read my blog even though he knows that I have one because I talk about it a lot and have even asked him to read a post or two. Once I blog about something, he seems to work on that problem. Even if I haven’t been able to fully explain to him, in a way that he can get, what that problem is. Or he’ll just be more loving towards me. Or is it that I am noticing more about what he does because I’ve been emotional. Odds are, it is a little of both.

Dirk continues to amaze me. He has always been a good man to me. Falling in love with Arwen and then all of us falling into this relationship has thrown him. Well, it’s thrown all of us some. Dirk has just been the last to come around or the slowest to once the NRE wore off for him. But he has truly changed so much. I’m more in love with him every day. Knowing that he loves me enough to have worked so hard to enjoy seeing me happy with Chane can only make me love him more. He and I are so close right now and are communicating so well. It’s a bit like the honeymoon stage. I’m confident that he is going to be ok with something I say now, or something I do, or want to do. I do not have to walk on eggshells the way I did. I can not tell you how freeing that it. How freeing it is to know we love and trust each other so much.

That love and trust from Dirk is giving me the chance to be more confident in my relationship with Chane as well. Not having to worry about how Dirk will feel about something frees me up to learn more about Chane and what he and I have. As I mentioned in an earlier post this week, Dirk helped me deal with some issues about Chane. Imagine talking with your spouse about problems you are having with your boyfriend. Or Dirk talking with me about issues or concerns or fun times he has with Arwen. And being concerned or happy, depending on the circumstances, regarding what is going on with said boyfriend or girlfriend.

I also think that I mentioned Dirk and I tried a new church out Sunday. It’s about an hour away and is the closest Unitarian Universalist church I was able to find. I emailed the pastor before hand to get a feel for how they would handle us in a poly relationship. She said as far as she knows, they do not have anyone currently in the church that is in one. We can either come and keep it to ourselves, or if we like, we can be open and she’ll help us educate the congregation on what a polyamorous relationship is. I think we have really decided to be open from the start about this. We want more and more places where we don’t have to try and hide how we feel about each other. And if you are around us long, you can tell there is something more than just friendship. Dirk and Arwen have to work Sunday morning. Chane has told me that he will go to church with me. So, last week I go with my husband, this week with my boyfriend…wonder if anyone will notice the difference…I can’t wait for a chance for all four of us to go together.

My life is good right now. I’m not going to wonder when the next shoe is going to drop. I am going to enjoy the good times while they are here.

May you have some of the good times yourself.

Mate debate: Is monogamy realistic? – CNN.com

Mate debate: Is monogamy realistic? – CNN.com.

 

Polyamory is mentioned and not unfavorable.

The Most Awesome Husband

I have the most awesome husband. I was sad writing my post yesterday. He read it and we talked. He reminded me that the relationship that Chane and I have is very young, especially compared to the one Dirk and I have. It has taken he and I a lot of years, more than most couples are together these days, to get where we are. Chane and I aren’t going to get close to that for years to come.

He reminded me that Chane has made strides in being what I need. He isn’t as open as Dirk is in sharing feelings. He really isn’t comfortable yet, he tries to do this because I need it from him. That yes, he is used to how Arwen communicates and has gotten used to, even in the habit of, responding to her behavior and how she likes things handled. But, he does love me enough to try for my sake.

And I do know that Chane loves me. He looks at me with love and he touches me with love.

Dirk also told me that it took him years to figure out how to “handle” me. If he can do it, he is sure that Chane can as well.

I guess you’d have to consider me high maintenance then. Not something I’m terribly proud of but, apparently true all the same.

I love my husband! He rocks!

Communication Difficulties

I’m sure I’ve shared before that Chane and I struggle sometimes communicating. At other times it seems we are getting it just right. The difficult times all revolve around conflict in our relationship. And the bigger the conflict the worse we communicate.

The reason? He and I have different communication styles to a degree. Arwen and I have majorly different communication styles. Who is he most used to communication with? Arwen of course. And although we’ve been together close to 3 years (I’d say 2 and a half years committed to a relationship), he still communicates with her more. He lives with her. He sees me occasionally. Therefore, does he forget the need to try and communicate with me with my style? Or do we disagree so infrequently that he forgets?

We’ve had the explanation a few times of how I need communication and why. But he doesn’t seem to retain it.

To explain the differences…when Chane and Arwen disagree/argue, she prefers to walk off. Never to talk about it again if possible. But it doesn’t go away. It festers until the next disagreement. Avoiding the confrontation is her goal, particularly when her opinion isn’t considered correct. (Most people like to be in the “right”.) Either this suits Chane fine and he agrees with the strategy or he has no choice but to go along with it. It’s hard to have a discussion with someone who won’t participate. I feel he lies somewhere in the middle. As for me…I do not mind a cooling off period if needed and have been known to walk away myself. But, I always come back and want to get things resolved. I do not function well with things being up in the air. I get sick. Literally at times. It stresses me greatly. I imagine thoughts and feelings the one I’m arguing with could be having. I can think of reasons they hadn’t considered as to why they have done something. Things along those lines.

I’m pretty good at seeing both sides of things with others. Not as good when I’m involved but, still usually able to see it once pointed out to me at least. I don’t mind apologizing. I can admit if I’m wrong about something. What I can’t handle is my opinion being totally disregarded because it doesn’t match the person I am in a disagreement with. Ok, that is probably going to lead me down a path that is a bit off topic.

Chane and I had a disagreement over something he didn’t tell me this weekend. And there is really no way that he could have forgotten since we were discussing others involved while in bed Friday night. Then once I found out and got a upset (more upset and hurt than I allowed myself to believe at first…explanation later), I decided to wait until later to talk about it so as not to interrupt the plans we all had. But, Saturday night he came to bed and went straight to sleep. He admitted hours later when I woke him up to talk that he knew I wanted to talk. (I couldn’t sleep because resolution had not even been attempted.)

What does avoidance of talking with me on these occasions boil down to? He doesn’t want to deal with me. I ask too many questions. Lead him into a corner. Most of those words are exact ones he has said on occasion when we have the discussion on why he won’t talk with me. I wanted to tell him why I was upset and hurt so badly once I figured it out. But was more than reluctant to do so. Does he have a limit on how much he will deal with or tolerate from me? Probably not but I can’t say for sure. Do I want to force communication with someone that sees it as a chore he has to deal with? No, I do not.

I did send him a few text messages today trying to explain in the least amount of words possible. Unfortunately, it will be difficult to explain it here as I have reasons for not wanting to state the specifics.

He and Arwen could have used this opportunity to reach out to me. Due to Gator’s shift work I have to deal with things that they aren’t used to. I could use a break from that now and then. They’ve never offered. The offer was made to another. Not the problem. They could have offered this to us all at the same time. I would have liked that. And on top of that, they made the offer for a time that is usually important to Chane and I. It boils down to, they didn’t think of me at all. How far up am I on his priority list that he would make this offer to someone he had just met as opposed to thinking about someone he has been in a relationship with for this long. Even if the offer originated with Arwen, which it did, he could have thought of me and suggested including me to her.

I bump up against this at times. I do not think I am as high on his priority list as he is on mine. He knows that I love him like I love Gator. Long ago he was the first to tell me he loved me as much as he loves Arwen. I wasn’t to that point yet. But I can not tell you the last time he has made me feel that way much less said so. And I’m fully aware that expressing his feelings is difficult to him. Much more so that it is to Gator. But I’ve adapted to that. It’s the case of actions speaking louder than words. He says I am this important to  you. Yet he rarely thinks of me. He says that he wants to spend more time with me but rarely asks. True, when I ask him, he is always quick to agree. I need things settled between us yet he isn’t willing to deal with me enough to talk about things.

What are we going to do? What kind of relationship are we going to end up with? How long can it last?

Meeting Arwen Again

We went to the monthly Poly Meet and Greet this week. We all have a good time but, Arwen likes it best. Well, at least different. I’ve figured out that the woman likes to socialize. She hasn’t done much of that with anyone else since we’ve gotten together. At least it has been a while. With her working two jobs and the four of us trying to spend what available free time we have together, it has been difficult to socialize with anyone else.

This is different. We are all doing this together. Spending time with each other and meeting up with others. I have to admit that I am enjoying it quite a bit myself.

I notice that when we are at these meetings, Arwen comes alive. It has dawned on me that I miss seeing her like this. Like she was when we first met.

I’ve mentioned that we spent an evening out with one of the couples we met through this group for just some fun. We all had a blast. I don’t know if I have mentioned here that this is the first friends we have developed as a quad. Other friends one couple or the other had before we met. This in itself has been a great experience. We started a friendship with someone not hiding anything about our relationship. We all find that great.

Arwen was also able to help one woman out at the meet and greet. The topic of conversation caused her to get upset with her husband…poly is something she is trying to get her head around. She left the room and Arwen went after her. I stayed to explain to her husband why she might be feeling this way since he wasn’t sure I guess. I eventually went to check on Arwen and this woman and talked with her a bit myself. But, for Arwen, this was her in her element. She likes, no needs to, feel needed. Through these outings, I’m seeing the Arwen my husband fell in love with. The one that I wanted to befriend no matter how hurt I was.

Arwen is in her element. I am enjoying watching her bloom as she did. I have to make sure we keep this a part of our lives so that she, nor the rest of us, miss out on the fun and what we learn about each other again.

Hello, Arwen, it’s nice to meet you again.

Love Affairs

Here’s a link to a very good video news show featuring polyamory.

Love Affairs.

Journey to Letting My Men Make Choices

I love my men. Plain and simple. And I want them treated well. Plain and simple. I can’t change it for them when they aren’t treated well in their other relationships. Also, plain and simple.

What hasn’t been plain and simple for me is my journey in getting to this point. To letting them deal with things however they wish. To not letting myself act on what compels me to take up for them. This has been a hard journey for me. I want to help make sure they are treated well. The truth is, I can only make sure that I treat them well.

Loving them is a huge part of why them having the freedom to pursue other relationships is important to me. But I’ve learned I have to let them conduct those relationships in whatever way they see fit. Even if I would do it differently. Even if I see them getting hurt. Along with the freedom to love others is the freedom to be hurt by others. I need to be there for them during rough times but to not interfere.

Therein, was the problem for me…letting them vent, seeing them hurt, and not trying to fix it for them. Being there to listen and as a sounding board for them but stepping back and letting them deal with the issue as they chose. Giving advice, if asked, but being ready for them to not act upon that advice. Learning that what they really need is someone to talk things out with out loud so they can “hear it” and for that to sometimes just be enough. Letting them say it out loud. To maybe ask a few questions they hadn’t thought of so they can have more information to base the course of action that they choose to take. That they need support and not necessarily action from me. That telling them I’m sorry they are having to deal with something and that I would help if I could doesn’t mean I am going to try to help. That I know those efforts on my part (to fix things) are more of a hinderance than a help. That I love them enough to trust them to handle things for themselves. But, yet, I will always be there for them and will listen to them. That I won’t hold against their partner(s) what they chose to live with. I may not understand some behavior or why they make some of the choices they do but, I trust them to know when and where the line is for each of them.

A Little Quad Time

It was a good day today.Dirk and I started it by going to a nephew’s birthday party then a nap since he is on midnights.

Then we traveled the hour to the city between where we live and Chane and Arwen live to met them at a sport’s bar to watch Dirk’s team play football. A nice few hours together eating, drinking and enjoying the game. Throw in some trash talk about our various teams and it was a very good time.

Oh, and Chane delivered on the hug I was needing.

Life was a good thing today.

Out of the Closet to My Family

Well, I did it, finally. I told my mom and the two of my sisters that are in town this weekend that we are polyamorous. Now, they’ve met Chane and Arwen before but as our best friends.

I thought, and now know, that some of this was suspected. Knowing my family, I felt if they wanted those suspicions confirmed they would ask me. But, I have felt like I was living a lie with them and I just couldn’t keep doing that since honesty is so important to me. Truthfully, at the beginning, I just wasn’t prepared enough to know how to answer questions they might pose and we have had to work through so many things that I didn’t feel confident enough we would make it at times for me to add the additional emotional stress of telling them to what I was already going through.

January will be three years since we all met and I think we’ve made it to a point that it was more stressful for me not to tell them that it was to do so.

Mom wishes I had just let her suspect. She is, however, good at denial and I feel can soon find herself there again if she needs that to cope. In fact, I told her if it made her feel better to just go back to thinking of them as our best friends because they are. Everyone’s main concern is that Dirk and I are doing fine as a couple. I understand that. Hopefully, it will eventually be like with our youngest son, and once they see that we are good it won’t concern them any more. My sisters didn’t have much to say. I have told them that if they come up with questions they’d like to ask I will be happy to answer them.

I was in an odd mood afterwards and just wasn’t up to posting about this last night. Today I’ve decided to just be optimistic about things.

I’ll be honest and say that I have felt a little pressure at one time or another from Chane and Arwen about doing this. Or at least it was perceived pressure. Arwen is a bit jealous of any time I spend with my family and I don’t know if she has thought it would help for them to know about them or not. Chane, if anyone, has a right to say something I guess since he has long ago told his family. Then again, he understands what a person goes through in doing so. He and I have just disagreed many times on if they were waiting on me to say something or they didn’t want to have things confirmed.

Oddly enough, I suppose, Arwen had very little to say to Dirk when he told her and hasn’t said anything to me at all about doing so. Since it will never be something she is willing to tell her family, maybe she just can not fathom how difficult it can be. And at the same time, I resent in a way, her wanting me to tell my family when she has no intention of telling hers.

Chane was supportive in a it’s no big deal and will be ok sort of way. He was trying to reinforce that he feels my family will eventually be ok with things. He called to check on me last night without saying that was what he was doing. But I understand how he does some things now and know that is what was behind the phone call. And the suggestion that we try and get a few hours together Saturday. He knows I could use a hug or two.

UPDATE: I briefly posted on a forum I belong to about this and got this response from someone there that I respect. It seems to describe the odd feeling I had to a T.

Hang in there Vol! I’ve experienced the weird not-quite-letdown but not-much-of-a-relief feeling when you tell someone and their reaction is not anything like what you imagined. It’s a bizarre feeling, isn’t it? Not quite sure what they think, whether telling them helped anything… if they would just engage on the subject and have a frank exchange, there could be some semi-resolution. But that doesn’t necessarily happen, so you still have this… thing…. hanging out there. It’s a different tension than you started with, but not necessarily any better.

Family Episode 20 “Deadlock”

http://www.nwlive.tv/blog/index.php/family/2009/10/

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