As sad as it may be, I think I’m coming to the conclusion that I am never going to have even a friendship with Chane. I’ve put myself out there for that a couple of times now and not received any feedback. Positive or negative. Well, I’m taking no feedback at all as negative.
In some ways, it just proves things he said to me in the past about having the ability to cut someone out of his life. In others, it just saddens me that I thought we had something beyond that.
I’m a big girl though. And I am not going to give him continuous chances to ignore me. He has obviously moved on and I am being too fucking weird about this.
This is part of the reason that I am slow to let others in. Once you get there I am slow to let you leave as well. It’s been almost 7 months since the breakup. That’s is slow enough and I need to remind myself of that.
Now, where is my next journey?
Last Thursday I reached to turn off my alarm clock and I’ve been in pain ever since. From a 9 on the scale of 1-10 (I reserve 10 for something I’ve never had before) to today’s 3-4.
Chiropractor has helped and I have another massage tomorrow that I feel will help as well. And I am having to wear a back stabilizer. It’s just been a long time it seems getting over this. Joints and muscles can be hard to heal.
I guess my age doesn’t help that. Or that I have a spine that curves wrong.
I just haven’t felt like checking in or doing much of anything. So, I’ve been bored and miserable. And feeling sorry for myself the last couple of days. I’m pulling myself out of that one though.
I’m having trouble distinguishing the types of pain I am in. I know the physical one. But I’ve been moody as well. Is that all due to my back issues or is part of that because Chane’s birthday is tomorrow?
And if so, how is it I made it through my birthday just fine without hearing from him but have been thinking all month about his birthday coming up?
What is wrong with me?
I want to just go with the flow. I really do. Dirk is doing that better than I am. Taking things as they come. He’s doing great with those he meets.
What do I want out of a relationship? Do I want one? I think I do to some degree. I miss that aspect of things. I’m happy with Dirk, I truly am but there’s the knowing that I’m free to have more.
Do I want a less intense relationship than I had with Chane? Do I want something more like that?
I feel I need to know so that I can lay things all out on the table for someone I may meet.
I want someone that will make time for me. I know that. But will understand that I may not have the same schedule as they do and will put forth a real effort to make time for me when we can find the time. Not just a maybe type thing. If he has others in his life, I’d like to know if they come first. If being with them will always come before time with me. I don’t think I want to be in a romantic relationship with someone where plans with me are always tentative.
I don’t necessarily have to have a lot of time with someone but I believe I’ve learned through things with Chane and recently that I do want effort.
I’m just writing thoughts here as they come to me and I’m sure they do not make much sense today. I’m not going to change that. This is what I need today.
I’m just a bit confused today or it could just be that something I read has gotten me to thinking and this is the early stages of what I’ve thought.
So, I have drama in my life. Thank goodness it isn’t MY drama. I don’t like seeing people I love make mistakes but there you go. What can I do about that? Nothing.
Dirk and I are taking steps to get our life as we want it. Sure, it gets held up at times because of the peripheral drama but we are consciously trying to get back into the world. And plain old platonic get togethers with friends are part of that. Just us getting social again is making us happy. Just us doing things again alone is making us happy.
What else is making me happy? I have friends that have made it through some crisises in their lives and are finally living happily again. 🙂 That makes me happy. More than one set of friends. Not only are they happy but, they are making poly work for them. Differently. And isn’t that what I’ve always said. Poly to you is what works for you. There isn’t just one way to do it.
I’m finding myself genuinely happy for these friends.
I belong to a yahoo group. Google+ seems to be the ground that we are all going to meet on to put faces to names and have live chats. That’s a good and happy thing. I’ve met some really nice people online in so many places. People that, thought I’ve never met them in person, I have a real interest in and care about what is happening to them. That makes me happy.
I have plans for the weekend. Not elaborate one. Not out of town together like we were planning. That didn’t work out. I’m thankful and happy to have the plans that I do.
I’m happy this week at work is almost over. It’s been a rough one. But you know what? I have a job and right now that’s saying a lot.
I hope each of you can find things you are happy about as well.
Part of my family is going through what I feel will end in divorce.
What started it all and keeps it all going?
Well, that isn’t the beginning of the issues. There are underlying things that led to the cheating. I get that though I do not condone the cheating. The dishonesty of that. I am not blind to why it can led to this.
Then there are the double standards. What makes cheating for one different that the cheating of the other. One was due to long-standing threats and the other was for revenge against the first for cheating.
They each think the what the other did was worse that what they did. Why do the reasons for doing it matter? They did the same thing.
Am I totally off on this. Two wrongs do not make it right and I wouldn’t say “you are even now” but, why is one worse than the other? And why is it still ok in some people’s eyes for a man to cheat but not a woman? Why does that somehow make her a slut and a whore but not him?
You’d think in this day and age things would be different.
And since these family members know about Dirk and I, they’d know there are alternatives. But, then again, this didn’t happen because the other suddenly saw someone they couldn’t stand not to have sex with. It happened because they had problems other than this.
It just shows me that I am indeed lucky in life. In my romantic life. To have the freedom to choice if I want to be involved with anyone else. To have the long-standing relationship I have that has definitely had its bad times over all these years but, through commitment and sometimes just plain old stubbornness, had made it through.
I’m fairly sure I’ve mentioned that I want to have less drama in my life. 😉
I’m starting to wonder if that is a possibility. I know that some drama could very well make you appreciate the non-drama times.
Dirk and I are doing fairly well on the drama issue in our personal lives. Outside sources are not so good.
Currently, both our children are going through things that qualify as drama and it is part of our lives since they are. The youngest, well, he lost his job and it looks like he has a lawsuit against them. While that’s well and good, it’s something to consider hard. Even knowing they are in the wrong, you have to think about the whole process and if it is worth the effort. But, I imagine that’s what many people hope you will feel.
The oldest. Well, he’s messed up again. Long story but he fucked around when he shouldn’t have.
Now, he did shit like that before his father and I started this lifestyle. What he does is cheating. Going to sit down and have a talk with him. For one thing, we don’t want him to believe we condone his behavior just because we aren’t monogamous. We are open and honest about with each other about what we do. He is being dishonest.
There always seems to be something going on at work for us as well.
So, is trying to have less drama in your life really a possibility? Is it doomed for failure? Are we lucky that Dirk and I personally aren’t having it in our relationship and we should just be happy with that?
I came across a blog post the morning after Dirk and I had talked about some of what was in it. His main concern is finding faith or trusting in his ability to see past the NRE in the future.
It was such a good post that I am going to share with each of you. I hope you enjoy it and feel that if you take the time to look around her blog you’ll find a lot to enjoy and to make you think.
Here it is….How Does Faith Pertain To Our Relationships?