Poly Group Meeting

We had our monthly meeting of our local Poly Group last night. I really enjoyed it. More so since I wasn’t able to make the one last month.

We had 4 new people attend. Yay!!!

Topic of  discussion was Rules vs Boundaries vs Agreements. Lively discussion on this. I’m not sure that any are more healthy than the other. It’s got to be a personal decision. Rules generally are you telling someone what they can or can’t do. Boundaries are what you are saying you will or won’t do. And agreements are things you each voluntarily agree to.

Dirk and I don’t really have rules any longer. We each have formed personal boundaries for what we need from a relationship/partner. And I would say we have some general agreements. The latter is off the cuff and I haven’t discussed that with him. So, I’m not concrete enough in those thoughts to voice them. But it dawned on me that I feel we may have a few.

If you’ve read my blog any you’ll know my general personal boundaries….honesty, respect and integrity. I’ve also come to the conclusion that I will not enter into another relationship where someone else has complete veto power over whether or not that relationship is to continue. I will go as far as to say, I’d prefer that whomever I’m in a relationship with, no one can control any aspect of that. Not that I won’t be friends with a metamour but I want the control of any relationship to basically be in the hands of my partner and myself. I’m not without reason though.

What about you readers? Do you have any rules, boundaries or agreements?

Polyfidelity

What does it mean when you have more than one partner and you are asked to be exclusive to them alone?

This has come up for me in a conversation with a friend recently and it got me to thinking. But I’ll use my own situation for the example.

Our relationship with Chane and Arwen was exclusive.

Does that imply anything to you? It did to me. Particularly with things that were said to me. It does to my friend as well.

It implied more than a secondary relationship to me. When we exchanged rings and a little later when we all sat down and agreed we were going to treat this relationship as we would a marriage.

Where and when did that change? Because I was a secondary to Chane. I’m not blaming one person here for this. When the newness wore off what happened? When everyone wasn’t happy, what happened?

For me, I’m wondering if I made the mistake of not realizing that the quad was more important to most than the dyads. The rings I exchanged weren’t to marry a group. I was married to Dirk and I was making a commitment to Chane. The fact that all the rings were the same was significant to me in that I was doing the best I could under the living circumstances to be in an equally committed relationship to both men and that I had made a commitment to support the whole group in whatever way I could.

It could be that more than secondaries was also the intention at the time for everyone. I’m no longer sure if I ever was looking back. But, the long distances and the work schedules and so many other things came into play. Why weren’t these addressed the way they should have been?

Why, when it became obvious to all that this was just secondary relationships, didn’t we end the exclusivity?

I knew that the secondary aspect of things was a real sticking point for me with Chane. I’ve written about it here. I’ve talked with him about it. I’ve talked with Dirk about it. I did not talk much with Arwen about it. I knew I struggled with this. And I know that I couldn’t get it.

I’m realizing that the request for exclusivity implied more to me than I was aware of at the time.

I’m realizing that this isn’t really just a breakup from a boyfriend that I’ve been healing from. For, in my eyes, he was much more than that.

I’m not sure I’d go down the polyfidelity road again.  To me it automatically puts a relationship in a certain category. I just think I may lay cards on the table about what I have to offer at the time and if it changes down the line we can readdress things.

Does polyfidelity imply anything  to you? Why or why not?

Where Are We At?

Dirk has been having a rough time at work so he’s tired when he gets off. Add to that our conflicting schedules and we haven’t had much time to talk lately. Not about anything outside the essentials.

We need to talk about where we are at individually with things. The healing, if we feel ready to see others, how we’ll go about it if we are. Those types of things.

I’m not even totally sure where I am at. But talking things out with him will help me. He won’t tell me what to think but he’ll ask something I haven’t considered or in some other way help me get a better handle on things.

I believe I’m trying to come to an understanding about what I miss. I do miss time with Chane. I know this. I’m just trying to decide if I only miss time with him. Or do I also miss being in more than one relationship.

Though I’m missing some things, I do know that I want to avoid drama. I’m to a point in my life that I want to minimize that as much as I possibly can. From all aspects of my life. Maybe I’m just too old for some shit.

I’m now coming at poly from a different angle. Not as something I fell into but as something I’m conscious of. However, when someone expresses an interest in me, I find I am not equipped to handle that well. Not that I can’t  love another, but the uncomfortableness (?) of the first stages. I haven’t dated in years….a lifetime to some.  Not as one normally dates. I went out on dates with Chane but our relationship didn’t start that way at all. So, even though I’ve been in a poly relationship, this is new territory for me.

I don’t know that I can get past this either. You wouldn’t know it, but I can be so very shy. Not about all things. But about some. I’m an outspoken person but not in regards to this. I’m afraid it will end up knocking me on my ass.

Expectations

Yesterday, in telling Jack how my Mother’s Day went, he felt I was comparing my children (miscommunication on that). It wasn’t my intention to sound that way because I really wasn’t. I was stating what each did or didn’t do yesterday. My children are very different and I’m aware of this. While one did hurt my feelings I was over it by this morning at the latest. Each of my children can hurt my feelings. The other hurt them just as badly a couple of weeks ago.

Expectations entered into this conversation with Jack since our conversations can lead here or there.

Here’s the thing, I do have expectations for any relationship I am in. Whether that be with Dirk, a boyfriend, a friend, my children, my mother, or my sisters. Even co-workers. Each may have different kinds of expectations for it on my part but I do have them. The closer you are to me, I’d say the more I have for you.

As I’ve stated on here before many times, I always expect to be treated well. With honesty and respect. But there is more. Common courtesy to others is also an expectation I have.

Lovers I expect to be there for me. Not that I’m clingy but I expect to be able to depend on those I let that deeply into my life. I may not call on that often but I do expect it to be there.

Family, since I am remarkable close to mine, I expect then to be there for me to almost the same degree.

Friends, well that depends on how close we are. I don’t actually have many real life friends that aren’t family.

Co-workers, well, I don’t expect them to be there for me to lean on if needed. But I expect their cooperation when our paths cross at work. Their respect and courtesy. (Maybe the courtesy thing is from living in the south all my life…but treating others as you’d like them to treat you shouldn’t be too much to expect.)

The further away a person is from my core life, the less I expect from them.

I’m a bit slow, maybe some would say very slow, to let someone in to my vulnerabilities. I’ve learned the hard way through life that not every one can be trusted. And I’m a private person for the most part. If you want to be that close to me, I will admit, in the end, I will expect things from you.

I don’t think expectations are wrong. There are times I could be better at communicating those expectations I’m sure.

When my expectations aren’t met, well, I’m going to communicate that as well. I may have to wait until the hurt, anger, or whatever I’m feeling is dealt with. I can’t always voice things well and constructively when under extreme emotions.

To me, expectations of others is part of a relationship.

Happy Mother’s Day

Ode to Mothers – Kristin F. McKendall

Mothers are human, and can only do so much.

Mothers cannot do it all
But surely do they try.

Mothers hear the angel’s call,
To comfort all who cry.

Mothers for themselves may fall,
For others they will fly.

Mother’s bear the weight of all,
For their children, they would die.

A Mother’s gift extends beyond
All bounds of time and space.

Her lovingness and nurturing
Make Earth a peaceful place.

Loss of Anonymity

I was reading some blogs I subscribe to this morning. One pouring her heart and soul out about a lost marriage, one lamenting that the work being done on her marriage at times takes two steps back to every one step forward and one feeling the loss of her “mask” her username affords because she has developed friendships with those who read her blog and it makes her question what she will post because her fear of what others think of her in the real world has now moved over into what others think of her in her safe world. ( All these descriptions are my impressions and not actually stated by the authors of said blogs.)

I’ve been where all of them are. And I visit each place again from time to time.

I’ve poured my heart and soul out here, wondered why things I thought were fixed kept cropping up, and now I have been facing, once again, my worlds merging.

For years I’ve used a traditional journal/diary. It wasn’t until I read a blog regarding poly (one of the three I was reading this morning) that I considered making any of my thoughts public in any form. This blog was such a help to me. I wanted my blog to be “our” blog. I wanted all four of us to contribute to it. That may have been forgotten by some. But you’ll find it to be true and recorded here at the time. When I couldn’t get any of the others to participate,  I did change the about page at some point to say it was my feelings and the tag line to state the same.

I did offer at some point for the others to read my blog. That didn’t even happen for quite a while. When it did, it only caused problems in our relationships. I went to the trouble of renaming the blog and changing all the names I used for people in the original one. Not rehashing this now since it is recorded here as well. I just wanted a background.

At some point in all of this,  this became MY blog. My baby. My feelings. My form of expression. It was my place. It was where I made myself vulnerable and I rarely needed to take out my private journal any longer. I felt safe here.Turned out it wasn’t a safe place for me.

After the breakup I was going to reclaim my blog for me. I stated as much. That I would write what I wanted, about whom I wanted and no one was going to dictate to me what I write. That hasn’t been totally true.

There are people in my real world that read this blog. Most of the time I never even think of that when I am posting. I really don’t.

But I haven’t been pouring my heart and soul out lately either. I’m finding a few things difficult. Mostly because, even though I’m doing fairly well with the breakup these days, how do you make yourself vulnerable to those who hurt you in the past?

I suspect, because I know them, that at least Arwen is still reading this blog. Maybe not all the time but some of it. How do I talk about things that lets this woman see into me?

And why do I have a problem with this I ask myself. Well, not matter how good I find I am doing, I also find that I am still resentful. I’m entitled to my opinions and feelings, no matter if others can see why I would feel that way or not. I lost so much and I’m  resentful that I had to. I had to deal with something yesterday that made me realize that I still struggle with the resentment. I was upset with myself but then also realized that the breakup hasn’t even been six months ago. The relationship I had was four years long. So, it’s understandable, I guess, that I am still going through the process of dealing with all the feelings involved.

And after reading those blogs this morning, I decided, it’s my freaking blog. I will state what I want no matter who is reading. True friends will still hang around even if I have shown my human nature.

Busy Creative Time

Something you may not know about me. I crochet.

Right now, I am crocheting a lot. I have been since a few months before Christmas. I learned from my grandmother at a young age. I let it go for periods of time but never forgot how.

Most of my years I’ve followed a pattern strictly. I didn’t deviate from it. Over the last few years I’ve learned to adapt them to something that better suits me or the idea of what I wanted to begin with. And now, I’ve been experimenting with my own. In the last year or two, I’ve been doing some original patterns. Designing? I’ve enjoyed that but I suck at writing them down.

I’m trying different yarns and hooks and gifting people with things. I can’t keep it all for myself. 🙂 And I’ve even done some things for charity.

I have a creative streak that I have to indulge. More at some times than others. I’ve used my photography for this as well but I just can not seem to get back into that for some reason.

Dirk just lets me spend what I feel we can afford (sometimes more) and listens to me tell him what I’ve done, and go on about the new yarn. I bought a book I’ve been wanting. Just a book with all kinds of stitches in it. Not a pattern book. But my imagination, and therefore mouth, just went on and on. I found him smiling at me. Because of the enjoyment and excitement I was getting by just looking at that book.

I have things to make on my list. Each family member gets to pick out an afghan for me to make them. I have things I want to try. And I come across things I want to do for others.

I spend all my free time (and some that should be used on the house) doing this right now. I may burn myself out at some point but even if I stop for a while, I know I’ll come back to this.

What’s something I don’t know about you?