A Little Quirk of Mine

I’ve started reading a new blog. It’s well written and illustrated by a talented artist. You can find it here at Matt Bullen. While reading it today a thought hit me that often does. So I’m calling it my little quirk. And it always makes me feel good.

Throughout my time swinging and in polyamory, I continue to get a warm, fuzzy feeling when I see SO so encouraging of their partners finding others to share their lives with. Whether that be in the form of helping them think of a perfect first date with someone, watching the children of the new interest while they are on a date, support when things may be going rough in the other relationship to holding your SO while they cry over the breakup of a relationship.

That’s all just so cool to me. And to know that someone has lived monogamously for a long time and struggled for a while with the changing mindset needed, makes it even more amazing to me.

Dirk and I were on a date not too long ago. At dinner our waiter was cute and attentive and appropriately flirty. I had a ball with him in that light setting. At the club later, one of the members of the band was more my style and I commented on taking him home with us to Dirk. He was just fine with that. Unfortunately, that was during the first stages of my back recovery. (If I had been thinking clearly, I would have at least gotten his number to call later. But I’m new to looking for others.)

The point for here is, how cool was that? I felt so comfortable with Dirk and telling him all this. I wonder how many other couples in that room could have done the same. I’m sure some but…though poly may be on a larger scale than ever, it is still a mono society by and large.

So, I get the warm fuzzies when I see such openness and genuine encouragement such as the post I was reading.

 

A Friend’s Blog

I sometimes post a link to a friend’s blog here. She is insightful and well written as you can see here.

I thought she had many good points about how to handle compromise and I wanted to share them with you.

The following is my comments to her:

Very nice post, my friend.

As an accommodating person, I have allowed the lines to cross from compromise to sacrifice. Once you do that, it is hard to go back. They now have this expected behavior from you. They do not want to go back to being fair across the board.

Also notable for me is …”Sometimes, we find it hard to decide because we wouldn’t ask for what our SO is asking us for. But, even these moment can be hashed out in our head by considering the underlying implications.” Both my husband and I have been in this situation. And I think people should realize how important communication is here. You actually do have to ASK for something. If it isn’t something you want yourself, you most likely wouldn’t know your SO wants it.

Again, I enjoyed this post.

Sexual Performance

Why is it that when someone is trying to hurt another they bring into play sexual performance? And always negatively?

I know that this is a common story but…I’m know someone to whom this is happening. He is getting a divorce. Well, papers have been served I’ll say that much. I feel it will go through.

I don’t understand why the wife has had papers served if she wants to get back together with the man. I don’t know why she would say she wants to get back together with him and then tell him he isn’t the biggest or best she’s had in bed since they split up.

Well, I feel I do understand this. She is being mean and manipulative. She is what I call “mind-fucking” him.

But, she is hitting on a topic most people do have, or have had, insecurities about. And I feel it is a topic she chose purposely.

It doesn’t matter sometimes if you tell yourself these things aren’t true. Because the first time you are with someone new, or the first time something doesn’t go right in that department, you remember and start to wonder again if what she said was true.

And something will inevitably go wrong at some point. Stress, tiredness, so many things can come into play with sex. Things you don’t realize at the time are part of the equation so to speak. It’s a given, in my mind, that there will be times that things just don’t click as well as normal.

That leaves room for the doubts to enter. And once they have, you have to start the pep talks all over again. Until….you become confident within yourself. Until you know that shit happens sometimes and you aren’t always to blame for it. Until you realize enough about sexuality that you know it isn’t all about how just one person performs. It’s all the people involved in the act. Each has to bring something to the table. Each has to actively participate. The outcome of how sex goes isn’t all on one person’s shoulders.

Maturity and experience play a big role in these things. Getting that can take some time. Once someone has brought you down in this area means getting that maturity can take longer.

Christianity and Polyamory

I’m sharing a post today.

Long time readers know that I have struggled with this in the past. And I have had to do some thinking of MY OWN rather than just follow the rules taught to me.

Gabe rather nicely explains his perspective on this issue here. I hope you enjoy it and let him know by leaving a comment on Polly’s blog.

Busy Times

Going through some busy times these days. Not really fun times for the most part but busy.

Work is over the top because of the time of year it is. That’s just how it is and it won’t change.

Going on a trip to see our youngest son this weekend. Was going to take the motorcycle but the weather is looking too bad. Some rain is OK but not what we have forecasted. Will enjoy the trip any way. Only problem at this time is that it looks like Dirk will have to work over on Friday and we had planned to be gone by 5:00PM.

My nephew was supposed to get married in October but the Air Force changed those plans and it had to be bumped up to a little over a week from now. I’ve been working on his gift but it hasn’t been going as fast as I would like or need it too. I think I can still get it done by his wedding weekend but some things will have to wait while I do it.

Both our children are coming for the wedding so that means cleaning parts of the house that Dirk and I don’t use since they moved out. Gotta fit that in some as well.

It’s going to be fine. And I’m not really stressing over much of anything other than work.

Dread for the Dating Scene

Been thinking about Dirk and I and poly and dating. Then this weekend I chatted with a friend.

All three of us have gone through a breakup of some kind. Whether with a live in partner or not. All three of us are reluctant it seems to enter the dating world again. We all three do have a current partner. And I imagine that each of us are getting our needs met by said current partner at different levels. Dirk and I more so than my friend.

Does being reluctant or “not ready” to date others get to be more so as time goes by? The longer you wait does it get harder to enter that arena again? After all, we are lucky to have a current partner. We aren’t totally alone.

Is getting some to most of our needs met by this partner something we could be settling for so we don’t have to take a risk?

Do we put too much pressure on the relationship we do have by not taking the chance and going  for the unwanted “dating scene”?

This has got me to thinking that, for me personally, I’m not unhappy with being accidentally monogamous at the time. Dirk and I have more years of that under our belt than poly.

To start with I was unhappy after the breakup. Though I was heartbroken, I looked to a future when I would have another relationship. I had learned what were deal breakers for me and I knew that I could take something away from this experience once I could get past the hurt.

Getting past the hurt was harder than I had anticipated I believe. There are several reasons for that. But now, well, have I just gotten used to living monogamously? I don’t know really. Dirk and I still talk about those we find attractive while out. Of course, we’ve never denied we found others attractive to start with. But we are still very open about that.

I do feel it is just easier to live this way at times. But easier does not equal better. It could mean I’m just lazy. For me, I find it hard to put the time into finding someone else, when I can spend time with the person I already have in my life. I don’t want to become too dependent on him being there though. I’m just happy with him.

I believe that if I were like my friend, in a relationship that is clearly not all I need it to be, I may would make more of an effort to get out there. Yet, it’s difficult isn’t it? Trying to balance the time and effort needed to improve a current relationship with the time and effort needed to find a new one. Eventually the two should work for you but, a new relationship does require time and attention to get going. It’s not a easy thing to balance the two in this situation.

For me personally, I was worried that I was just giving up and taking the easy way when it comes to having another relationship. As I have been writing this, I’ve decided that I may just be enjoying my life as it comes along. In no rush to get to a certain place, taking the scenic route for the most part but not avoiding the heavy congested areas either. This is a pleasant drive and who knows what I may find while taking it?