After my post yesterday, I was talking with a friend and I realized I may should explain why I have such an aversion to dishonesty.
Growing up I was not dealt out the hand of honesty from many adults in my life. My biological father was just a liar, plain and simple. It didn’t matter what it was about, he’d lie to you. My mother, learned from that marriage and her second, that lying put off the abuse for a while. It was physical just enough to show her that it could happen if she didn’t act right. The worst was the emotional and mental abuse. Now, I see why she would do that as a coping mechanism with her husbands but, it eventually bled over into all her relationships. Even with her children.
Now, all this lying in my life, made me very intolerant of it and I swore I was not going to surround myself with those who couldn’t tell the truth once I had the chance. My sons will tell you that they got into way more trouble for lying about something they did that the actual deed.
Me, Id much rather hear the truth, even if painful, than a lie. Honesty is a very real need of mine and I just don’t function well without it. And, frankly, I don’t think I should have to.
In regards to my yesterday’s post, the lying and sneaking around I wonder about isn’t even all about cheating on someone. I mean, it can be anything. An example for clarity….say you want to quit smoking and you tell me that. You go for a few weeks not smoking at all and then you just have to have a cigarette. Fine, I can get that. But, then you don’t want me to know that you are smoking and only do that while I’m not around. I see that you still aren’t smoking, I may even say what a good job I believe you are doing. But, you still don’t tell me that you are smoking some again. Well, this is dishonest. I understand that this wouldn’t be easy. You may struggle with it from time to time or you may have decided you just cant do it right now. Or you flat out do not want to. That’s your decision. I can live with that. What would bother me, was just not telling me. Not trusting me to handle your decision and be there for you no matter what it was.
If someone tells me they are or aren’t going to do something, I expect that to be what happens. I expect people to mean what they say and say what they mean. And if you find you need to change your mind, then tell me. It isn’t as if I haven’t changed mine upon occasion.
Another example, Dirk and I lived monogamously for 20+ years. When he was interested in swinging he talked with me about it. We talked and talked and finally came to a place we were both comfortable with and so a new deal was made between us. He didn’t find someone to have sex with and cheat on me. Then when he fell in love with Arwen, we went through that whole process.
My point is this, be open and honest and so many things can be worked out. Even if I hadn’t been willing to do either the swinging or the poly and things ended between us, it would have been so much easier and less painful by this talking and negotiating than if he had simply decided to do things behind my back and I later found out. Because I feel that things will eventually come out. It’s difficult to live two lives so to speak. To always have to watch what you do or say in order not to be discovered.
Ignorance is not bliss for me.
I’m not saying that Dirk hasn’t ever lied to me. He has. And I will admit that I am a bit of a fanatic about the honesty issue. Even so, I will admit that I’ve tried to tell a few white lies to spare feelings. I’m not good at it. Dirk says it’s because it so goes against my belief system.
I’m actually just now realizing that this is really a deal breaker for me when it comes to my relationships. It isn’t something I can make myself tolerant of. If you are committing to me, on any issue, I want to know I can count on you to hold to that. And I want to know that if, down the road, you realize that you can not longer do this, you will respect me enough to be honest about that as well. If you can’t do either, then it will become evident that you aren’t the one for me.