Limitations in Relationship Growth

copied from my blog on another site

Posted 7/9/2008 at 11:14 PM by gatorvol64

Most here know that I say I have two husbands. I’m wondering lately if that can be a reality or just wishful thinking.Dirk and I live together. Have for 24 years. Now, that gives plenty of opportunity for growth in a relationship as long as both parties are willing. We’ve been more than willing. And it can amaze me at times that, after 26 years together, we still are growing. Maybe I should think of the tree analogy someone used for a different reason. They don’t stop growing at 26 years if they are healthy either. Anyway, to my point. Dirk feels like my husband, I believe, because we continue to grow.

Chane and I do not have the same opportunities due to our living arrangements. (Dirk and Arwen don’t either but I feel their situation should be told by one of them.) Chane and I see each other mere days out of a month. We talk some but I’ll admit we are both bad about relying on texts and emails as our major forms of communication if we can’t see each other. How can we grow a relationship that truly resembles that of a husband and wife with so little contact? We do try to make the most of the time we have together. But that time is usually spent in a group of four. Which we all enjoy, I’m not saying we don’t. It just leaves little time for the kind of talking and sharing required for a relationship to evolve. At least in my opinion.

Where are we going to be able to go from here? We need more time to understand each other better and living apart makes that difficult. But until we understand each other better, he and I and all four of us as well, how can we live together? Work right now is one of my busiest times. I can never take time off during the first two weeks in July. Crunch time to get the budget in line for workshops. That leaves evenings kinda out too because I frequently need to put in extra hours for this. Where to find the time to see each other?

It’s unfortunate that, at a time I find it extremely difficult to get away, I need to see him the most. Some issues have arisen that can not be addressed properly until we can talk face to face. The issues are things that wouldn’t even have arisen if we understood each other better. They involve all four of us, but if Chane and I “knew” each other better we would have handled them better. We both agree with that. We have coasted along for a while now and I suppose it has given us a false sense of making progress in growing together.

We both want the better understanding between us. We’ve both plainly stated it. I know that Dirk knows I want this as well. And there are things that just he and Arwen will have to work on. And Arwen and I. And Dirk and Chane.

To put it as simply as possible, I have a strong need for privacy that I have truly had to deal with during this relationship. I have learned to control that need for the most part because so much communication is needed. And I have a very strong dislike of lies and dishonesty. No one in this relationship is unaware of that and the reason behind both dislikes. While I can learn to give up some privacy, I can not stomach dishonesty for long. There was an issue in our past that involved both. Arwen being the one to cross both boundaries. In a group meeting, not group accusation, we all calmly discussed this and while neither Dirk or Chane were happy with the situation, they don’t feel as strongly on the privacy issue as I do. (The privacy thing has come up on more than one occasion and I have made strides in requiring less. I promise.) The dishonesty hadn’t been a true issue to confront until then. Arwen said she understood why that upset all of us and why the privacy part upset me so. Promised to never do this again.

A little over a week ago, she did. The privacy invasion she has never completely stopped even though she said she would. I figured she needed to learn to do it less as I was learning to need less privacy. The lying is not something I can work on requiring less. It is a must for me. To be able to trust those I love. I’m having trouble at this point trusting her and that is something she and I will have to deal with.

What has become evident is that, Chane and I don’t understand each other as well as we thought we did. And this is just unacceptable. What isn’t evident is how we can fix this. It isn’t something that will happen overnight. We both agree. But it is something that we both feel is a must in order to have the relationship we want. Our problem is finding the opportunity to spend the needed time together.

As usual, I’ll take any advice you have to offer. Or none at all. Those of you who read my blog know that I use it a lot to get my thoughts in order. And I take you along for the ride.

Our anniversary

6/24/2008

Our quad’s one year anniversary was yesterday. (We chose the date we all got matching rings.) We had a very nice weekend together. Went to a house in the woods, by the river Friday evening. Came out of the woods Saturday to spend the day. We went shopping, checked out the home brewing store, ate at the same place Chane and I tried on our date and watched a movie. We had a good time and didn’t feel rushed at all. Sunday was just a lazy day the the house. Dirk, Chane and I all like storms. While I’ve spent many days in bed with Dirk while it rained, I’ve never had the opportunity to do so with Chane …nor do I believe Dirk has with Arwen. Sunday during the storm, Chane and I raised the window to hear it all better while we laid and talked.

On the whole, it was a great weekend even though I had an anxiety attach at the mall Saturday (I’d been feeling a bit edgy and strange the whole week but didn’t recognize the signs like usual). After the attach I had a much calmer, fun attitude. Also, Dirk and Arwen were working on an issue. It didn’t boil over to Chane and I and affect our time together. And mostly didn’t cause Dirk and Arwen to not enjoy their selves.

I’d say the weekend was a big success.

We made it

Well, I managed to go on my date with Chane. Dirk and I simply told my family I had something I needed to do elsewhere. I didn’t volunteer any more information and for once my family didn’t ask.

Chane and I tried a new restaurant that neither of us has been to before and really liked it. We saw a movie together also. Arwen did a little shopping and then headed to mine and Dirk’s house. Chane and I were home in plenty of time to pick Dirk up at work.

Our Date

I’m behind in posting to this blog. When I can’t get to a computer, I write it in a journal the old fashioned way. So, to catch up a bit.

From the first part of 6/2008:

Dirk works shift work while the other three of us word day jobs. He has a problem of feeling left out when the three of us are together without him (I should probably interject that this is soooo much better for him now than it used to be). Therefore, he has the most input of when the four of us can get together. For weekends this is usually when he is on day shift and his one weekend a month off. Unfortunately, these two weekends fall back to back. Dirk has days off during the week and we try to see each other on a couple of those days as well. Even if it is just to have a meal together.

He and Arwen have seen each other alone for a while now. At least they can if they want to. Dirk was traveling the hour to where she works almost every week so that they could have lunch together. Arwe’s job has gotten busier and for a few months and she feels she is too busy now to take off for lunch so that is on hold right now. After these months are over, I fully expect the lunches will start again.

At this point, I should probably give a little background information.

When the four of us decided what we were in this for the long haul so to speak, Dirk still had quite a few issues regarding the relationship between Chane and I. (At this point  Dirk was the one moving at the slowest pace.) Dirk and Arwen had some communication issues to work on that we all felt was of priority. Therefore, we all thought they should have time alone together. Hence the lunches at least. Due to Dirk’s shift work, lunches were more doable than anything else. Because Dirk was having issues about our relationship, Chane and I volunteered to not spend any time alone together for a while. Until Dirk was mostly comfortable with us doing so. It was our choice and not something we were pressured to do. Actually, Chane and I offered to do 3 things Dirk thought would help him. Not seeing each other alone was the only one he requested. We were prepared for this when we volunteered to do things he needed. We felt this would be one of them…

Ok, back on track.

Chane and I finally have spent a few hours on dates. We had planned one for Friday night. I try to choose the lest stressful times for Dirk (Arwen seems ok with things). He’ll be at work Friday evening. I’d hesitate to leave him at home by himself. Things with our date were all fine. Dirk actually seemed to have no problems whatsoever with it. (And I finally believed him about that.) Well, other than remembering it, LOL. Then out of the blue comes my family. For good reasons, this part of my family moved their timetable up to visit. They arrive today and most will leave Sunday. A limited time frame here. Chane and Arwen haven’t met some of them and I want them to. But—-my family does not know about the relationship the four of us have. So, going on a date may cause problems. Knowing that Dirk is at work, my family will expect me to be with them. I cant just tell them I’m going on a date with my other husband. (The reasons why we haven’t told most of our families would take another post.) I don’t lie well. Probably because lies are something I really have a problem stomaching. So….how am i just going to go without any explanation?