Hurting

Chane has a flirtation going on with a young girl that used to date my oldest son. He’ll eventually at least have sex with her I feel. Which is fine (just I think he made a poor choice). It’s just that tonight he treated me like Dirk did when he first met Arwen. Ashamed to be with me around her.

Both Dirk and I got the feeling the two of them were just going to sit back and see where things went with the five of us tonight after supper. While I understand how it would be difficult for her to come out and tell me that, Chane should have told me his plans. When I explained to him how he had made me feel, he got defensive and started placing the blame on me. Just like Dirk used to.

I do not want to go through this again. Someone hurting me and taking me for granted and settling for me when he can’t have who he really wants. They both want the in your face flirts and that isn’t me at all.

I hurt really bad right now. And since Dirk told me he noticed a lot of the same things, I know it isn’t all in my head.

Who can I talk to?

When Dirk and Chane were having the most problems with Arwen, they had each other to talk to. I’m having problems with both Dirk and Chane and I do not have any one that I can talk to. I can not talk with Arwen because I do not trust her. You have to trust the person you confide in.

I thought I could talk rationally to both my men but Dirk is only defensive about this and Chane just says that if we talk about it we will argue about it. He doesn’t seem willing to try and talk with me calmly.

I find it extremely sad that I have found something my men are unwilling to talk with me about and work with me on.

Vol

Polyamory in Newsweek

A rather nice article on polyamory. [clearspring_widget title=”Widget” wid=”47ed6adf5dd4b967″ pid=”4a70f030e18f8257″ width=”400″ height=”300″ domain=”widgets.clearspring.com”]

Things progressing

We’ve spent time with Chane and Arwen the past two weekends. Dirk and Arwen seem to be working things out rather well for them.

The only problem is that, once again, Dirk just can’t seem to get along with both Arwen and I at the same time. He is trying to communicate with me, reading between the lines of what I say for the true meaning, like he has to with Arwen. I, however, say what I mean. There is no hidden or double meaning. But he insists that the meaning he comes up with is the true and correct one. He refuses to believe that the meaning of what I say is actually what I said. He is getting very defensive again and refusing to have calm rational discussions with me.

I can not go through anything that is remotely near to what he put me through before. I will break if I try to do that again. I do not really know how I made it through 2 years (at least) of this the first time around.

I’m going to try not to be the doormat I was then and refuse to be treated like that again. No matter the outcome of sticking up for myself.

I’m so confused and hurt that he would try this again. I really didn’t think it would ever be something he did again. It makes me feel that he only wants and turns to me when things are not good between he and Arwen. But now they are not fighting and the sex has even gotten good again. Does he feel he doesn’t need to put in the effort for our relationship? Does he not want our relationship until he is struggling with Arwen? I am not going to stand for being shit on again for her. I’m not going to always be last again for her. If that is what he wants, I will leave this time. I truly thought he realized after all our talks and work on our relationship that I would not be in that position again. I will take up for myself this time. I will not do the fighting for both his side and my side to keep our relationship going again. I DO deserve better. I am willing to leave them all this time. I do NOT have to put up with mistreatment.

Vol

Slow

Dirk and Arwen talked on the phone today. He says it went well. I know she talked to him about anything and everything. I’m sure she just was glad to talk with him and wanted to let him know what was going on with her.

We didn’t see them today. May have been we misunderstood who all was invited. No biggie right now.

Dirk and I went on a spontaneous date tonight. He enjoyed the Thai restaurant that Chane and I had been to.

I miss Chane but Arwen and Dirk talking together today was progress and he told her she could contact him now

Missing Chane

I’m really missing Chane. Sure, we’ve gone this long without actually seeing each other before but that’s because things worked out that way not because they had to be that way. And I have talked with him on the phone either. We’ve texted more than I thought we would. But that’s honestly been to settle some things. For some opening up. And for him to tell me in no uncertain terms that if the four of us can’t be together then he and I can’t be together. My exact fear. A situation I have no control over and an outcome that means so much to me.

I don’t know what will happen or how I should really handle this.

Decisions made

Well, after much debate and talks among the group and a talk as a whole group, we are on hold in our relationships.

Dirk, just feels the best way to deal with Arwen at this time is to give her the chance to heal things with Chane before she tries to work things out with him. Arwen can not work on both relationships at once he thinks and I agree with that. She still feels that none of this is her fault and everyone is just blaming her. But the truth is…three people, individually without talk, have come to the same conclusions and have the same issues with her…she is the common denominator and really needs to face that fact that we didn’t all decide we were going to blame her. Her behavior has finally worn thin with all of us and worst she is about to lose two great men unless things change. At this point, Dirk really doesn’t feel like putting any more effort into a relationship where he is the only one trying to make it work.

All Arwen says is that nobody understands her and no one will listen to her. All of which is bullshit. We have all tried to listen and understand. Making excuses are she does.

Anyway, now Chane and I have had to put our relationship on hold as well. Dirk didn’t want that, I didn’t want that and Chane didn’t want that. It is just the reality of the situation. Arwen will pull a tit for tat thing with Chane if he still continues to see me if she can’t see Dirk. She is just not capable of allowing that and though she’ll deny it, we all know that is the truth of the matter as we’ve seen evidence of the “tit for tat” attitude of hers before. Arwen is ok with the relationship Chane and I have as long as she is in such a relationship with Dirk. Chane and I work together at the quality of our relationship and have often had to backtrack from where we’ve gotten because Arwen and Dirk are not at the same place in Dirk  and Arwen can develop things at the pace Chane and I can because it takes two people trying at the same time and Arwen just doesn’t do that.

I miss my boyfriend and things were just put on hold yesterday. I want to see him for 10 minutes, an hour or for 5 hours. And I will miss texting with him throughout our workday. Tomorrow will be difficult for me.

I will try to post tomorrow about how I feel about this and the days and events leading up to this. I’m just so pissed at Arwen right now it isn’t even funny.

Relationship difficulties

Dirk and Arwen have been having problems for quite some time now and I think that’s even evident in this blog. He’s let so many things slide there trying to make everyone happy. I have told him how impossible this is because I tried the same for so long that it almost caused a breakdown for me.

Now, it is apparent that instead of things getting better between Chane and Arwen they are at an all time low. And part of the problems Dirk and Arwen have stem from the ones Chane and Arwen have. While it will seem that all I am doing is ganging up on Arwen here, the truth is, I’ve avoided stating exactly how bad things are with her because I was afraid to sound just that way.

Chane rarely, rarely shares with me when he and Arwen are having problems while Arwen does nothing other than call and bitch with Dirk about the problems she is having with Chane. However, it is absolutely always Chane’s fault. But that isn’t anything new. It is always someone else’s fault. Whether that is Dirk, myself, her boys, the people she works with, her long-time ex husband or her mom for dying, it is never Arwen’s fault. And now that she is in therapy, she only talks about how her counselor tells her the same thing. When that really isn’t what he’s doing. When you get the exact words from him from her, he is just telling her why she feels as she does not that she doesn’t need to work on it.

Back on track I guess, is the fact that both Dirk and, even worse, Chane  have been thinking about leaving Arwen since she refuses to even try and work things out and wants them to do all the changing. And I have been good about letting both my men deal with Arwen as they see fit. (I came to the conclusion that they were grown men and if they chose to let her mistreat them there was not a thing in the world that I could really do about it. It seems that once I quit trying in intervene with her on their behalf and then them having to deal with the consequences of that, they were able to handle things better for themselves. Though this wasn’t the result I expected or even wanted.) Both of them having reached their limits has brought things to a head. Dirk having the near death experience has decided life is too short for anyone to be living unhappily and if things cannot improve between he and Arwen he just wants out. Rather hurt and know it will eventually go away than hurt constantly and just be unhappy all the time. Chane really has a bigger investment and truly wants to see his marriage work. However, he cannot make that happen all by himself. I am so worried and I hurt for both my men. I want them both to have all the happiness this life has to offer them. I hate to see them like this. But I cannot fix this for them. I wish that I could. This lies in Arwen’s court and I just don’t know that if she is willing to truly try.

Near death

I’ve been busy taking care of Dirk and didn’t have time to get online for anything and as he started getting a bit stronger I have avoided posting because I just didn’t know quite how to tell the story or if I wanted to dwell on it in any way. So much has been going on and I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep each issue separate when posting. I’ve definitely been writing in my private, traditional journal. That is always with me whereas a computer is not and is something I can always get my hands on. Once written there I sometimes do not have it in me to go through the whole thought process again to get it out here. Especially when this blog is not really viewed by others. I started it with the hopes that all four of us would eventually contribute in some way and maybe help others like a view poly blogs I read on a regular basis…I believe those are down to two at the time because the others involved relationships that no longer together. Anyway, I digress. It became more than apparent that none of the other three were interested in contributing to the blog. Now, I try to share something upon occasion. I do think I’d share more here if I thought it were helping anyone at all.

As I try to separate the issues we are currently going through, I’m going to try to deal with Dirk and the scare he gave us and himself.

Dirk started hurting the first Wednesday night in June and by Thursday morning he was hurting very badly. It just so happened that this was the first time in months that Chane and Arwen had been down to stay with us during the middle of the week. (Read the last blog I believe on our goals to spend more time together.) Dirk thought it was a case of food poisoning. He had had one previously and it seemed to feel the same though maybe a little worse. By Friday he was hurting so bad that he called the doctor himself which was a true tell in itself. He discovered he had a severe internal infection and, while they suspected that his gallbladder was involved, the infection had to be gotten under control before it could be determined what the true reason behind the infection was. He went on a high series of antibiotics and by Monday he thought himself on the road to recovery. Had more tests in additions to the ones he had on Friday. His bloodwork was looking better even. Went back to the doctor Tuesday morning but by then he and I knew something was not right since he was feeling worse than he had on Monday. Long story short, he was referred to a surgeon. Test showed he had gallstones, yes, but the worst was a perforated bowel and that is what was causing the internal infection.
Dirk was admitted to the hospital Tuesday afternoon and was in surgery early Wednesday morning.

During his surgery had the worst feeling that he wasn’t going to make it through the ordeal. Not a normal thought for me. I handle things like that well for the most part. I prayed but I also cried because I was so worried. I’m ashamed to say that I couldn’t even hide it from my children and my mother who was down at the time. After talking to the surgeon after the surgery was over, I realized I had every reason to be so worried. Over that talk and several with him during the following days, he told us that one of Dirk’s gallstones was the size of an acorn. But the mass he cut out of his intestines was the size of an eggplant. He doesn’t know how anything was getting past it or really how Dirk had even been going to work and such. He was totally amazed he was able to piece the intestines back together at the time of the surgery and not have to give him a colostomy and go in later and reconnect things. Now, this didn’t just happen overnight. It took probably a year for Dirk to get into this shape. Its just that the symptoms resembled others he had had that were not life threatening. Looking back he can see the difference in what he thought was going on and what actually was. Hindsight is always better.

So, while I was most scared during his surgery (Chane and Arwen couldn’t be there for that), Dirk was most scared late Wednesday night/early Thursday morning. Seems the ICU staff were trying to get him to wake up. He didn’t understand why because he was trying to talk with them and was looking at the monitor. After listening to him and asking a few questions, he and I have come to the conclusion he was having an out of body experience. Over the days following the surgery and this event he has remembered more and more about what he was feeling. He can tell you so much more about the whole event. He was very scared. He was very near death and it has made him think closely about some things. Things he has been letting go for a while…which will be my next blog entry I believe.

Right now I just want to say how very glad I am that he made it through this and we still have some time together. We made it to our 25th wedding anniversary on the 30th of June. Didn’t get to go on the trip we had planned but I feel that once he is healed and we do go (it’s just postponed) that Dirk will have an even better time than he would have. He is going to be telling himself he didn’t realize he had felt so bad since things gradually got to the point they were and he’ll feel so good once he is past the healing of his surgery.

During the time after his surgery and all, Chane and Arwen were here a lot and both were very worried about him. Arwen continued to do some of the things that totally irritate us all. And considering all we are going through with our quad at the moment I just can’t go into them here. If anyone reads this, and wants to know about them, just ask and I will share with you however you wish. Privately or I’ll write a blog about it. I’m just limiting how much I go back into things so as not to overwhelm myself. We are really going through a lot right now. I’m just trying to document a bit of it here in the hopes that it will be of help to myself and maybe others and that I can elaborate in the future.

I love this man so much and I’m so thankful he is still with us!!!!