Pot of Gold at the End of the Rainbow

Great changes may not happen right away, but with effort even the difficult may become easy.– Bill Blackman

This weekend was an example of what makes all the effort we put into our relationship worthwhile.

Dirk needed the time off it seems and I’m glad he was able to get it. We left for Arwen and Chane’s house about 12:30am Saturday morning (once Dirk got off work and had a shower). All of us went straight to bed immediately after we got there. Come to think of it, Arwen was the only smart one and was already in bed.

Once we woke up early to get to the party I could tell Dirk was in a great mood. Basically no sleep but in a great mood. He and Arwen talked to much, made love, talked, made love again….they interacted much like they used to. Something Dirk has been wanting. Things more like the were with them in the beginning without the bad affects of NRE. As soon as he told me this, all I could do was grab his face and give him a kiss. I was so happy for him. For both of them. Seeing him like that was great. If the time with them had ended then, I would have considered it a great success. I still do but, luckily for us all, it wasn’t over. I can’t tell you what a good feeling it gave me to see him so happy. Only those who have actually felt something such as that…pure happiness for your love knowing that someone else he loves made him so happy.

We went to the party had came back last night so that Arwen could be at work at 7:00am since she couldn’t get the whole weekend off. After sleeping in to 9:00 I spent some time with Dirk before Chane got up and then I had some time to watch a favorite TV show with the two of them. Dirk and I took a short nap and Arwen came home. Kissed us all and spent a few minutes with Dirk. Now we are deciding what to have for supper tonight. Dirk and Arwen are going to run to the store and I’ll get a few minutes alone with Chane. Then we’ll cook and watch a show or movie. We all just want to chill after such a busy day yesterday.

Times like this make up for so many of the rougher times. Only good feelings all around.

Had a Blast

We all had a good time at the meet and greet last night. But, I, in particular seemed to have a blast. I talked alot. Just trying to get to know others and then, if asked a question, I’m going to answer it. It was something I had been wanting to do for a while and when I found out Chane was really interested as well, I made a point to try and get us all there.

See, I have online support. This blog, forums, etc. and I truly appreciate all of the people I have come in contact with and all the help I have received from all these places. And being anonymous can certainly have its advantages. You feel that you can tell it how it is at times without sugarcoating. I’ve gotten more free about what I post on this blog because I know that it is unlikely for anyone to actually meet my quad. The things I share could cause someone to have preconceived ideas about those I love and not give them a chance. I share things online that I would be more reluctant to share in person so soon after meeting someone. I really do get good feedback from my online friends. Never just taking my side in things. I get thoughts and questions from them that make me stop and think. I get support. Plain and simple. And I love that as well as need that.

Meeting people in person that have gone through some of the things we have and have the same lifestyle outlook we have was great as well. Just looking someone in the eye and knowing that here is someone that can relate to me is awesome. I was told that this was the biggest turn out they’ve ever had at a meet and greet. I believe 12 people in total. We had a young woman who had just turned 20 and she and her boyfriend had been in triad. I can’t imagine knowing at that age that I was mature enough for this. But, she was raised differently than I was. In fact, it was her mother that told this couple about our group and the meeting. We had at least one man that was a bit older than us and the rest seemed to be around our age. One couple, those in charge of the meeting, were more along the lines of just learning about poly and finding out what they were going to make it for themselves. Another couple that work in a liberal arena, universities professors, and each had a long distance relationship going with someone else. A couple that have been together and apart back and forth over the years. A couple of young men there by themselves. We, however were the only ones there with all our partners in tow. Hard to bring someone from Italy with you now isn’t it?

I think we had a diverse group and I enjoyed the conversation with everyone. I do think we need to look into a place where it is a bit easier to be heard. And it was mentioned to try and schedule some activities to do as a group.

While I’ve said that I still feel part of the swinger camp as well as the poly camp, it was different being with a poly group as opposed to a swingers group. Sure, at a swinger’s group no one things twice if you kiss more than one person…sex is after all what that is all about. But, being able openly show love to more than one and not have anyone blink an eye at that was great. It can still amaze me at times that more people are fine with spreading sex around that spreading love around.

If you don’t have a poly group you currently meet with, I encourage you to search one out in your area. I hope you are able to find one and that you can get what I did from last nights meeting. Having person to person talks as well as an online community is likely to turn out to be very balanced for me.

[tag open marriage, polyamory, polyamorous, polyfidelity, sex, friends, relationships]

Our Merry-go-round

If I didn’t love my men so much I would definitely get tired of the merry-go-round ride we seem to get on too frequently.

Ok, I mentioned earlier in the week the poly meet and greet we are finally going to be able to attend together. When Dirk mentioned something about seeing Arwen tonight during his phone call with her this morning, she said Chane hadn’t said anything to her about it. However, the last time we were all four together we all four talked about this. I put it on the shared google calendar we have and I even sent out email reminders to the other three yesterday. How can she say she didn’t know anything about this?

I mean, three ways for her to know and she claims it is a surprise to her? We TALKED….an actual conversation between the four of us…the “holy” communication, we all have access and can add to the calendar…made for things just like this…so that something getting passed along by word of mouth to all the others wasn’t relied upon, and I sent a freaking email to all of them. She checks her email frequently. What is the deal here?

The drama of it? Well, that’s that someone said something to her (at this point I think it was Chane) and now she has sent me text messages. First one, for me to call her when I have a free moment so that she can talk to me. Second one, (sent before I had the first one read) to say nevermind. Third one, to tell me that it is just one of those days where she can’t do anything right.

How many times have I heard the last one? Too many to count. It’s her I feel sorry for myself because I think everyone is jumping on me text. Ok, that was ugly. The truth but it came out ugly. It’s just that I am tired of not being able to go one week it seems without some drama.

Thread of Our Lives

In my previous post today, I mentioned how I love Dirk and Chane the same but my bond with Dirk is stronger. I don’t know if I’ve explained what this means to me here before but I am rather sure that I have not devoted an entire post to this concept. So, here goes….

Dirk and I have 27 years together and Chane and I have 2 1/2 years together. While the disparity in years can have absolutely no bearing on the intensity of the love felt for either of them, it can, and does, have a bearing on the bond we have.

As the years of one’s life goes by, I like to think of the events and people from those years as threads. Each thread is connected to all the others in some way. In the canvas, tapestry, or blanket of your life, these threads can be directly wrapped around each other or inches further along in the pattern. But they are all there. Whether Dirk and I participated in an event together or not…or we both knew a certain person or not..threads from our separate lives as well as our combined lives are now being woven into this tapestry.

And that’s why the deparity in years matters to the bond I have with of my men. Dirk and I have many years together and our tapestry is tight and getting large. Chane and I have few years together and are just starting our tapestry together. The weave isn’t as tight, not as many years to push all the threads together, and it isn’t very large at this point. We are working on the time together and the sharing of the things we do while apart to make our tapestry bigger.

Now, there are things that you’ll find in my tapestry with Dirk that you will never find in my tapestry with Chane. Dirk and I practically grew up together…we’ve been together since we were 18 years old. Rights of passage that I will never go through with Chane. Dirk and I have children together…have even lost one together. Having a child together will not be in the tapestry Chane and I are making together. Doesn’t make the tapestry we will have any less….just different. Chane and I will always have in our tapestry the knowledge that we are not monogamous. That we met on a different road in life than the one Dirk and I met on. You’ll see both roads traveled in the one I have with Dirk.

You’ll find things the same in both tapestries as well. When the four of us do something together or have people we know in common, that will be plain in both. When Chane and I do something without Dirk or Arwen, you’ll find that more prominent in the tapestry I have with Chane but, because it effects me, it will show to some degree in the one I have with Dirk as well.

I never know if I’ve explained something in a way that others can picture what I mean how why I feel the way I do. I hope you got what I was trying to say here. That though I love both these men with all my heart, my bonds with them will never be the same. I can live with that. I want to continue weaving our tapestries for years to come. Even though the one with Dirk is in the more intricate stage and the one with Chane in a more beginner’s stage, I expect each to more intricate as the years pass.

And aren’t I the lucky one to have such two shining examples of beauty in my life of different shades and colors and patterns?

Inconsistencies and Walking Blindly

Sometimes I feel like I am walking around blind. Anything that I have learned throughout the course of this poly relationship amounts to basically nothing. Otherwise, would some things be able to throw me off balance?

I am more than honest with Dirk about how deep my feelings for Chane are. I love Chane basically as much as Dirk. Well, not basically, I would say that I do. However, my bond with Dirk is stronger. Yet, Dirk says his feeling for Arwen doesn’t go that deep. Which, if you look at it, is ironic. What he says with words he feels for Arwen and what some of his actions say he feels are inconsistent. Some aren’t.

Because most of the time his behavior matches his words I get used to that. The times words and actions do not match, are times that it is most important for me that they do. I don’t have a problem if he has strong, very strong, feelings for her. I just need to know what to expect in a situation. If you say this, mean this, and act like this. Otherwise, when you act differently, I am completely thrown off balance. Not always hurt. Maybe rarely hurt any more. Just confused.

It seems that I always have to have something to complain about. I do not like drama. Disagreements and arguments that are not drama ridden I do not have a problem with. They can be beneficial. But I’m a planner. I need structure. I’m so much better than I used to be but still I need it since that is just how I function best. When I get inconsistencies in my life from someone I have taken great efforts to understand and support where he is in his life (and who is more than aware I need the structure) I get turned around and dizzy. Off balance. And I have to find a way to steady myself.

Am I being irrational? I don’t mind spontaneity at all. But core beliefs and honesty are major things for me. Is it that Dirk is not being honest with me about how he feels for Arwen and it just surfaces unexpectedly sometimes? Or is it that he isn’t being honest with himself and it surfaces sometimes?

Meet and Greet

Finally, we are going to a poly meet and greet! The group closest to us are starting up a regular monthly meeting instead of the occasional ones they have been having. In the past, for the occasional ones, we have not all four been off at the same time. Dirk works shift work and Arwen used to have a second job. We wanted the first time we went to a meeting to include all four of us. Thursday night is the night.

I feel it will be nice to be able to talk openly and honestly about our relationship with others that are in a similar situation or are at least interested in a poly relationship. I’ve chatted a small amount with one of the members of the group (actually the male half of the couple who is in charge of the meetings) and while they are not where we are at, they are slowing developing a relationship with a couple they swing with. And isn’t that how we got started? Except for the slow part?

I’m getting a little excited about going myself.

Trouble Posting

I’ve been having internet problems at my house and not able to post from there. While I can check email on google at my office, I am not supposed to be blogging for sure. And do I really want them to know what I blog about? I think not. It’s my personal business and none of theirs. Though I would like to live in a perfect world at times. Well, it doesn’t have to be perfect…I would just like my personal lifestyle to have no bearing on my job. Not the case here since I work in a very public and conservative office. Therefore, I’m trying out this post by email feature.

Test

Testing post by email feature

Things are working

I have a phoenix tattoo…to represent the phases of my life that have passed and those that have been born from them.

I am feeling a bit like that about my relationship with Chane. Calming down was the best thing to do. Though I didn’t expect to talk this weekend about anything…wanting to let things cool down. But Sunday night, Chane himself brought some things up. I could tell he had been thinking about things just from his behavior and for him to start the talk was unusual. The behavior and the talk made me feel that he really had been listening to me and once we stopped fighting he had a chance to think about things. We both did.

The four of us had a great weekend on our trip to see my oldest son and his new wife. We shopped for their apartment Saturday and the six of us went out for fun that night. A productive, fun and reconnecting weekend.

Advice from your child

When did my child grow up on me?

Chane and my oldest are always talking. They are friends and I am glad for that. Chane shared more of our issues lately with Oldest Son than I have. So, O Son talked to his mom some today. He sees fault in both Chane and I…which is good because there is. So, eventually Son sent me a text to just call Chane and apologize for everything. I asked him why I should do that since I’ve already apologized for things I could have handled differently. Son told me to calm down and be the bigger person. He said that’s what I always taught him to do growing up. And yes, I did to an extent. When he heard those words from me it was because he had yet to apologize for anything and someone had to make the first step.

While, his advice was not wholly applicable and I didn’t really like it at the time, it did make me stop and think. Chane and I were not getting anywhere the way we were going. Just talking in circles trying to force the other to see our point of view. So, I had already fulfilled the first part of what Son adviced me to do but, I did need to do some calming down. I thought and thought and I would have given someone else that same advice…calm down and revisit the talks when you are both less emotional.

So, I called Chane…something that man was not going to do (stubborn we are) first. We talked…a little awkwardly at first but more naturally before we were through. We didn’t talk about anything we have been arguing about. We talked normal, everyday small talk for a bit until things felt better between us and then we hung up. We’ve texted…our most common form of communication during the day and that was normal and even addressed some of the things we have been beating back and forth. Just on a smaller scale and more civilly.

I’m calming down, going to reconnect with Chane as the four of us go to see Son and his new wife this weekend, and once he and I appear to be able to talk more rationally, I will bring these issues up again. They need to be resolved and they were tearing us apart the way we were going on. Literally. Just the adjustment in my attitude today caused some small amount of talking already.

It a strange and weird world when your child helps you through a relationship crisis with the man you love…and that man is not his father to whom you are still married. I have a great child.