Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Poly Group


We had our monthly meet and greet this past Thursday and our first planned discussion…a bit organized and a topic picked in advance of the meeting.

I think it went well. I talked too much though. I’ve facilitated other types of meetings in the past of different sorts and have had them where no one wanted to participate and some where they would in varying degrees. I was worried about no one participating here for some reason and overcompensated I believe. I shouldn’t have been concerned with this group and will keep that in mind for any meetings I may be in charge of in the future.

We started our discussions off with an effort to get to know each other a little better and on a positive note. When talked about how we each came to be poly, if we were just exploring the concept a bit, who may be in a poly relationship at this time, and happy poly moments.

The sharing among the group was great. I feel everyone was comfortable doing so. It’s a rather open minded, supporting group. We’ve really enjoyed our times with this group. And it’s obviously relaxing for us to be around people we can be open with about our relationship(s).

I look forward to future discussions and hearing the views and feelings from such a diverse group of people. I’ll try to keep you guys posted on how they go.

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The Heart Is The Home of Wonder


More poetry from a mailing list I belong to.

The Heart Is The Home of Wonder

Breathe in the warmth of this place, allowing yourself to feel a sense of welcome

It is your own love, your own beauty that beckons you inside

How long has it been, since you crossed this threshold?

The door has always been open, the invitation always extended

Will you accept it now?

Through the windows streams sunlight, casing rainbow designs on the walls

As prism glass reflects the scattering sparkling illumination

The floor beneath your feet is soft

Caressing your skin as you tap your bare toes on its surface

Daring to dance upon it to the lilting music that only you can hear.

The table is set with all manner of lusciousness

Nourishment for body and soul awaits you

Always plenty to savor and share; a bounty spread before you

Every imaginable treat to delight your senses

The sweet aroma that curls around you.

The mirror on the wall reflects your exquisite nature

As you gaze into the eyes of the One who has been with you

Through all eternity, questioning what has kept you from recognizing

Your own ineffable Divinity

Express your adoration for the God(dess) who winks back at you.

Feel the all-embracing comfort of this structure that was created

Brick by brick, log by log, through your daily intention

The experiences and the people you draw into your world

The thought that permeate your mind

The wild magic of your infinite imagination.

© Edie Weinstein, 2010

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Whales Rule


Please take a look at this post from a friend of mine. It’s very cute.

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Self-Confident and Sex-Positve Women vs The Alpha Male


VS

A fellow blogger wrote this post and I’ve been thinking since I commented on her blog. There were many thoughtful comments and I suggest you read those as well. However, here is my comment and the topic of my blog came from this.

I find it’s true, in my opinion, that the self-confident woman is threatening to some men. Add the sex-positive aspect to that and a woman can be very threatening. Why is that do you suppose? I’m sure you’ll know that I have an opinion on this from my comment to the mentioned blog (if you chose to read it).

While my friend here believes this is something God himself has done, I disagree. I believe making women feel ashamed and guilty of her sexuality has historically been the acts of men using God’s word (inappropriately at best) to further their own agenda. And a big part of that agenda, to me, is the need for control. The need to be superior over another human being. You may wonder why this would be necessary. Well, I believe it is the acts of men that aren’t themselves self-confident. Men who can’t find self-worth in who they are without the control and the feeling of superiority.

Like I stated in my comment to this blog, I feel a true alpha male doesn’t have this problem. He is confident enough in his abilities, his self worth, and his own sexuality to support and encourage the same in the opposite sex. He is not threatened by women who exhibit some of his own behavior and qualities. He knows the path it takes to get to such a point and he respects those who have made the journey. The alpha male takes care of those around him without the need to discourage. He will respond to a challenge or a threat, true, but I feel he finds neither in a woman such as described here.

If looked at closely in nature, you will see that it is the alpha female that attracts an alpha male.

Do I have such alpha males in my life? Yep, I think I do. Neither are threatened by this behavior in either of their women. Though their women may, at times, fall down on the job of believing in themselves. We are encouraged to do so from them.

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Nope I WASN’T Going To Do the Valentine Thing


Yes, I said I was swearing off any Valentine or anniversary celebration this year. I wasn’t considering how important it is to Dirk to celebrate the milestones of our relationship. So, he took Saturday off so that we could spend the day, evening and night celebrating the anniversary of our first date. (It is sooo hard for me to believe that was 28 years ago.) And then I told Chane I would meet him Sunday afternoon and we’d do something.

Knowing that Dirk and Arwen needed to do some talking, I suggested to him Friday night that he and I do something Saturday and he see Arwen Saturday night since he had the evening off and his schedule wasn’t allowing another day for a week or so. He wasn’t going for it but I did get him to promise to think about it.

We talked some more Saturday morning and once I convinced him I was ok with this he was ok. I simply explained to him that sometimes one priority is more important than another one. In this case, it was more important for him to have some time with Arwen than spend all the time he had off with me. So, my plan was for him to spend some time with Arwen Saturday night and me to see Chane Sunday. It didn’t pan out that way. We all had supper together Saturday night and then went our separate ways…Dirk with Arwen and Chane with me. Turns out both pairs went to the movies.

Chane and Arwen saw The Wolfman Friday night and Dirk and I were going to see it Saturday night before our plans changed. Arwen saw this movie with Dirk again on Saturday night. Chane and I went to see something else. Now I’m the only one of us that hasn’t seen this movie and I wanted to. I’m not upset with Dirk that he went with Arwen. But, truthfully, if I had known he would even consider doing so (he normally is specific about if he made plans with one of us first then he makes sure he does that thing with whoever he had the plans with), I probably would have asked him not to. Just so that I could have seen it as well. And, as anyone who has seen a movie they’ve been looking forward to, they talked about it some in front of me. I tried to either leave the room or ask them not to say anything. But, that’s hard to do when it is fresh on all their minds. I do understand that. I’d go by myself if the opportunity was there. Just with the schedule Dirk has coming up and they fact that he and I have been sick, makes that highly unlikely.

He did get sick late Saturday night. Very sick. When Arwen would come and get me throughout the night, I had trouble telling if it was because Dirk wanted me or arwen didn’t quite know what to do with him. I think it was some of both. LOL He was sick until Wednesday and I caught whatever it was (a stomach bug) on Tuesday. Thankfully we are both doing better.

Even though Dirk was sick, I did enjoy the time we all had together. I needed time with Chane as well as Dirk needing time with Arwen.

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My Lightbulb Wasn’t Plugged In All The Way


First, I’m going to stay here I believe. Dirk is correct and I’ve had some good advice from readers.

Second, I have been a little dim concerning Arwen. As one who suffers from depression myself, I should have seen that was part of the problem for Arwen. Maybe most of her problem. We are so different and I do not understand her for real, but I believe I may have gotten caught up in that alone.

Arwen does not like to take medication. I really can not tell you the why of that because I’ve never gotten an explanation I can understand from her. She stopped taking the medication her doctor had her on for depression and I didn’t connect that. I should have I guess because I take the same thing she was taking. Neither of us can take the most effective medications for depression due to the side effects we suffer. She started taking her meds again and is doing better. It “takes the edge off’ she says. And I can really understand that. It keeps a person calm enough, for the most part, to not react until you’ve thought for a minute. That minute can make a huge difference in things.

I think she was doing ok without the meds while she was in therapy. It helped give her a chance to think things out. But, although the therapist felt she had dealt with the issue she was seeing him about, once she wasn’t able to go any more, things started stacking up on her. I’ve been there. I even need to take a higher dose of the medication than she needs. I’ve suffered from depression for a long time and haven’t always taken anything for it. I do know what it is like and feel I should have recognized some of this for what it was.

I do know that it is still Arwen’s goal to not take this medication. And, while that is her right, it is just another area we differ. I accept my need for the meds and am grateful for the help they provide me.

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Some Decisions Are Hard To Make


Both Dirk and I have been down with a stomach bug the last few days so, I haven’t had a chance to blog. And I haven’t really felt up to making a good decision regarding my blog. Dirk thinks I should continue as I’ve been doing. It’s my right to have my blog and say what I would like. He told me that he talked about this with Arwen. (Not at my urging.) He pointed out to her she has a perfect place and way to make her side of things known even if she doesn’t want to contribute a post. She can reply in the comments section for each post. And he is correct.

Maybe I’ll be up to telling you how things are doing for us all and how it got there by tomorrow.

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Contemplating A Move


I’m currently contemplating moving my blog. If you would like the new address, please send me an email.

I feel the need to keep my blog public but have no wish to cause problems. I feel that starting in another place may be the answer for all my concerns. Please have patience with me while I make the change.

I’ve already made past posts here private. I needed to leave the blog itself public in order to redirect readers to the new one.

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To Blog or Not to Blog


I don’t know what to do.

Do I keep this blog public or permanently put it on private. I know that the privacy mode allows for giving permission to access the blog to people I choose to. (And if I go the private route and you are a reader, email me and I will do that for you.)

My original intent when starting this blog was for all four of us to contribute,hence, the name of the blog is a reference to us all. I asked the other three and no one was interested in blogging. I feel because none of them write things out…write about their feelings. I’m used to doing so since I have kept a traditional, paper journal for years. And writing things out helps me get a handle on how I am feeling about something and working through  things.

Actually, I haven’t been able to get any of them to even read the blog though I’ve given them the address and asked for that. They didn’t do this either. And, knowing that they weren’t reading this, I may not have watched how I worded things. I don’t know.

Arwen reads this now. Not at my request. She was asking a friend, who does happen to be a reader, questions about me and the friend told her to read my blog. He even had to give her the address because she didn’t remember that. Now, what questions she was asking and why she thought this friend might know are beyond me. I clearly do not understand her or her thought processes for this (or much of anything it seems).

Regarding my hate post, Arwen seems to be taking exception to some things and feels some posts confirm that I hate her. That was never my intention. And if she has been hurt, that wasn’t my intention either. Each of us are (or at least should be) responsible for our own behavior and processing things internally. To take responsibility for the actions caused by our feelings and not blame others. Not just one of us but, all of us in our quad specifically.  It shouldn’t be a shock to Arwen if she reads this here because I’ve told her this. She doesn’t do that well. She blames others because she thinks we don’t understand her. And the reason she feels we don’t understand her is more personal than I want to share here because it is a big thing in her life. But, yes, I do understand how she feels about this as I’ve been through an amazingly similar thing myself. And truthfully, I don’t understand how this affects all things in her life. From whether we understand loss to, say, whether she’s mad because the dishes haven’t been done. For all of us, and her especially, she needs to move past this.

I’ll stop with this line of thought right now.

All this is why I’m considering not having my blog public. I share feelings here. Feelings that I do not want used against me or anyone. Feelings that are not always easy for me to write about. To a point, I make myself vulnerable on this blog. Maybe it isn’t good for me to do that publicly. Maybe it would make both Arwen and I feel better if she didn’t read what I wrote and I didn’t worry about how what I write is going to come back on me.

I’m truly torn about this. When this relationship fell in our lap, I hit the internet for research. Many things were helpful to me and I wish the others had looked at some of the sites I have mentioned to them. But, research is my thing mostly. One of the helpful things was a blog or two that I was reading. One in particular was regarding a quad. Them sharing their feelings and how things worked for them was so helpful that I thought I may could give some of that back in the form of others reading my blog. This is such a confusing life to begin with for those who have always been monogamous that any help is good.

I don’t know what to do. Curb myself and either get rid of the blog or at the least make it private or continue as I’ve been doing. I’ve wrestled with this for days. I would like for things to be so comfortable in our quad that I wouldn’t have to even consider taking it down. I don’t want to have to do that and have not done so to this point (except for a few days). But I have to ask myself if I’m just being stubborn here. How important is it for me to be able to blog about things publicly?

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Quote


I found a quote today that I’ll put on my quote page (along with others I’ve been remiss it posting) but, it seemed important enough to post here as well.

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”–Carrie Fisher

Wow, that sure puts the act of resentment firmly in it’s place.

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