Is It Worth It?

From this

To this

Considering the heartaches we’ve been through, both the major ones (and I personally have had some very major hurts through all of this) and the minor ones, do I think it has all been worth it?

Yes.

Do not get me wrong. I would have avoided so much of this. I don’t even think I would have ever sought our a polyamorous relationship at all even if I had realized such a thing existed. I was living a very happy monogamous life with Dirk. Then we moved to a very happy non-monogamous life through swinging. It was working for us well. Very well.

Where it changed for us was when Dirk met Arwen….someone so totally different from me that his circuits were fried. Because, as much as he loves me, there are aspects to my personality that would mesh better with his if they were different. That and we discovered Dirk had more trouble separating sex and love than I did. Though, I now think he would be more capable of that. And maybe the last big thing to leave him open to falling for Arwen was that he is just more open with his emotions than I am.

Dirk has changed as much or more than I have through this 3 year process. I am proud of the progress he and I have made and that is probably the number one reason I feel it has all been worth it. We have grown do much. Individually and together. Growth like we’ve been through is always worth the process it takes to accomplish that growth. No matter what happens, we will always be better for the experience in that respect.

It’s worth it for the love we have in our lives that we didn’t have before. Both from those we’ve added to our life and from the way our love has grown deeper. We realize that we’ve always been lucky to have so much love in our lives as it was, just the two of us, but when we know our love for each other is big enough to let our love for others into our lives then we are luckier than so many people in this world.

It’s worth it because we have our boyfriend and girlfriend. Though our relationships with them are still in the young stages we are lucky. And the fact that they are young is also nice. We get to experience the maturity of our long established relationship and the aspect of going through the nuances of a new relationship. And Dirk and I are there to support each other through the hard times with our respective loves. Imagining that concept is awesome. So awesome.

It’s worth it because I like the more open minded person I have become. I like that I have started thinking for myself instead of letting others tell me what I should think. I like the even better communication that Dirk and I have between us.

I like developing the communication between Chane and I. I like that I see growth in our relationship. I like that I have two people I can depend on. It is rewarding to see someone willing to put in the effort it takes to make a new relationship work with me. And Chane is really showing me that he wants things to work with me these days. I think we’ve both gotten to a place where both he and I have acknowledged what our relationship can be and are striving to make it the best it can be. I think we’ve both struggles at points with wanting it to be more than he could or we’ve each had a different idea in mind. I think we are on a much closer page regarding this than every before.

I like seeing when things go well between Dirk and Arwen. I know how much he has to offer someone and I am to a point in things (have been there for a while) that I truly love to see him happy with her. Or just happy with whomever he chooses to be with. I like it that he gets some of his needs met that my personality doesn’t always recognize.

Are lives have been greatly enriched by this journey. And if it were to end tomorrow, we would still feel that way. We’d go through pain if that were to happen but, we would not regret taking the journey. Not now. If the journey had ended before we got to this point, well, yes, we may have regretted the risks and pain involved. Not now. We’ve just gained too much at this point for regrets.

Will we, all of us, ever let others in our poly life? Well, who knows? I for one find I have a very low threshold for saying never. For ruling out what I think at this moment may never happen. That’s a lesson I’ve learned. And why should we rule anything out? We learned about negotiation through this. That, just because something was ok at one point in our lives, it doesn’t mean it will always be so. That we can rethink and re-negotiate our currents agreements at any time. And that is just one more thing that makes it all worth it.

Enlightenment From My Hubby

As I’ve been posting about, Dirk and Chane are having relationship issues with Arwen.

I had a date with Chane Wednesday night but would have stayed home if I had realized how big the emotional turmoil Dirk was dealing with actually was. (Even though he was at work almost the whole time I was gone.) He rarely texts me or calls me while I’m on a date any more. He did both and more than one time of each. He was really in pain. And he said he was jealous…what he actually felt was envy. He wants to have with Arwen something that more closely resembles what I have with Chane.

He was also trying to communicate with Arwen during this time…and this caused Arwen to call Chane for a long talk. The sad truth is, there are times that Arwen has to be shocked into seeing where a situation is heading. She refuses to listen to normal conversations. She doesn’t really have conversations with any of us. She talks “at” us.

So, once I was home from my date and Dirk was home from work (he got off at midnight), he and I spent several hours talking. About how he was feeling, what he would like to have with Arwen, all manner of things. It came up in conversation the depth of our feelings for them. Dirk knows, and I’ve stated on more than one occasion in this blog, that I love Chane. As much as I love Dirk I’ve always said…just that Dirk and I have a deeper bond. I’ve never truly felt I explained that well. And I know that Dirk has never really understood the whole concept totally.

But, my dear husband, the very one that most always has difficulties expressing himself well, sent some possible enlightenment my way. And I’ll state it as well as I can here. Although he and I have talked about it a couple of more times since he first brought this up, I can not be sure I have the “whole” of his thought processes behind this concrete in my head.

He explained again that he can’t understand how I could love Chane as much as I do him. I tried once more to get my thoughts about the bond we have being greater due to our years and experiences together across to him again. He explained that’s the very reason he can’t love Arwen as much as me. However, he has opened himself and his heart to her just as much as he has me. And therefore, opened himself up to the possibility of as much love and pain from her. Due to our experience in our relationship together, it is most likely that he can avoid some of the pitfalls we faced in his relationship with Arwen. And yes, because of our maturity and relationship experiences as a whole, it is possible for him to love her more after 5 years than he did me after 5 years.

I am so not explaining this well. I wish I could get him to post on this. Because as he was telling me all this, I was seeing it. How his concept was even more accurate than mine in regards to how much I love Chane. Because, it still boils down to the fact that I would be heartbroken to lose Chane but losing Dirk would devastate me. Is that because I love Dirk more or because he and I have survived more? I’ve always assumed it was because he and I have been through more together. But it does seem possible that because of all we’ve been through I would love him more. See?

But, I guess it doesn’t really matter how you look at it. I love them both so much. I don’t like to be in a position that I can’t meet the needs they both have for me. I try very hard not to get in such a position. I still consider it as having two husbands. Just I have a young relationship with one and a mature one with the other.

What is important for me in this? That I have finally gotten a grasp on how Dirk views things. That I know he does not stay with Arwen just for my sake. That he seeks more with her. I hate that he hurts and I always will. But, I know now how open he is to her and that means some pain is inevitable.

I know this man is still my best friend. He is still the person I turn to first. I know I am more comfortable turning to Chane for things now as well. I know that Dirk and I are closer than we have ever been. Sure, we’ve changed a lot. But, once again, we’ve made a journey together. I know that he and I trust each other to not let ourselves be mistreated. That just because I, or he, wouldn’t be willing to deal with something our gf/bf dishes out doesn’t mean it is wrong for us to believe those cons are outweighed by the pros for us. I know I trust he is always going to be there for me.

I’m so very happy to realize that, although we view it a bit differently, that we basically have the same outlook on how we feel about our loves. I’m happy that we can live with how we each do view things and be ok with them. I’m more than happy that Dirk and I can talk so freely about these things.

Oh and, considering the texts and phone calls Chane and I received while on our date, we still managed to have a really nice time. We were just thankful to get some time together. And that’s exactly what Dirk would like with Arwen. Time and an effort put forth on her behalf.

Happy Thanksgiving to All

I’m very lucky in my blood family and the family I’ve chosen. We have some great friends.

I’m so very thankful for all those you are in my life and accept my love and for the love I get from so many people.

I hope each of you have had a great day and have gotten to spend some time with someone(s) special to you.

Need Help With Our Poly Group

The leader of our poly group and I have talked about how to get more people to attend, and attend regularly, our monthly meet and greet. We both feel that a discussion of some kind would be best to keep things interesting for all. I emailed one of the authors of a blog I read because she facilitates their local poly group discussions and I was looking for opinions and ideas. She really came through for me.

The following is the email I sent her in response:

Thank you so much! I never expected you to send all of that but, I really do appreciate it.

The group isn’t mine nor am I the leader. They are friends of mine and we were talking about ideas to boost attendance. Currently, it is just a time to get together for dinner or something and talk. However, I feel this is not conductive to keeping people around. I think the age difference is a problem when conversations are just wondering here and there. Most of those attending regularly have children and such. The few younger ones that attend really do not have anything to contribute when the topic gets around to that. I don’t want to lose them.

Plus, I feel that issues should be, and need to be discussed, since we have people in full poly relationships and some just a bit curious and some caught somewhere in between the extremes. Truthfully, if it were a topic most people were interested in, I wouldn’t care if it were poly related or not. Though I think I would like to always steer clear of politics and religion.

The outlines you sent are great. I’m going to be sharing them with the group leader and see where I can get this to go. Our area is in amongst small towns and I would hate for what is just getting started to die out so quickly.

I’m a planner and I could know I could facilitate the discussions but would also like to see if someone else would be interested before I volunteer. I’m not going to leave the group but if having a job within the group keeps someone else coming, then I would rather they do this. Plus, I’ve overloaded myself with jobs such as this in the past and I’m not going to get in that situation again. This seems to be gaining in importance for me and I will do the job if needed. (And I’m told by my husband and boyfriend that I don’t mind asking the tough questions.)

The holidays are a bit of a problem the next two months since we normally meet on the fourth Thursday. We have a family picnic of sorts for November planned. We want to make sure we offer some type of event so as not to lose those we have attending now.

Discussions won’t start until after the new year I imagine but I hope we can do this and get the word out that this is coming to peek every one’s interest.

You’ve been a big help and encouragement. I know that things are a bit different with us as a quad than it is with you but you’ve helped me with things since I’ve been reading your blog. I share with the others but none of them read things and research things the way I do. I started our own blog hoping they would participate as well but its just me.

Thank you so much!

 

This idea is something that I truly feel is almost mandatory for our group to be a success and a help to those who participate.  I don’t want to force it on anyone. I just remember how lost I/we were at the beginning of this relationship. We still have our moments, as does any type of relationship, and I know that we can learn from these discussions.

It’s odd amongst the regulars that have been attending, we are at times perceived as the most experienced. Actually, that’s downright scary if you want to know the truth. But, still, if I/we could help someone avoid some of the pitfalls we’ve landed in, then we are using our struggles for something good.

So, I have questions for you readers.

Do you attend meetings for a local poly group?

Do your meetings have discussions? Care to share some of those topics?

Has your group found certain types of outlines, meals, or just refreshments to be the most successful?

Anything you’d like to share with me would be most appreciated.

 

My Hands Are Tied

My hands are tied. And frankly is stresses me that I can not help either of my men with this.

Both of them are struggling with their relationships with Arwen. And I have to be honest here, I have just about given up on her. She and I do not have any more contact, for the most part, than is absolutely necessary. I’ve long reach the point of being tired of her “it has to be my way” attitude. And her not caring about any one else’s feelings.

Dirk is hurting today. Arwen sent him a message that she will more than likely chose to work next weekend. His one weekend off a month. This will be the third weekend in a row that she has done something else. The first instance was when my family came for a visit and she pitched a fit. Was essentially mad that they would come on “her weekend”. They live in another state. They come when they can. And she was invited to come down as normal and to spend some time with them as well. Nope, she decided she was going to ask to work at her 2nd job that weekend without consulting any one else, not even Chane.

The second instance, last month, we understand. Their son was on leave from London and they had some things planned that he wanted to to. Fine, not a problem with either Dirk or myself. Though she did get mad at us for not being at her house at 11:00 pm when they got home Sunday nigh

Now, she is planning on working the weekend he has off this time. Not this weekend but the next. First weekend in December. Once again without consulting anyone else, including Chane again. And when Dirk showed a bit of hurt feelings, she fussed at him.

He is really debating whether his relationship is worth are the work…and, unfortunately, it is a lot of work on his part. Without much on her part. He deserves so much more.

Chane does as well. And he gets it worse than Dirk. She really shows this man no respect at all. Constantly complains (and I know most of this because I see it and she actually tells me thinking I will agree with her), constantly says the children he has helped her raise (not biologically his) are HER children and not his and his opinions do not matter, refuses to spend time with him when he asks her and then wants to know why he doesn’t do anything with her, why he “doesn’t want her” and “do you even love me any more”.

WTF does she expect from him? From either of them actually?

Ok, I can do sex for sex sake. I can fuck someone when that is all it is. And just fucking is what I do with my men sometimes. But when fucking someone one you don’t have a real relationship with, you don’t need much else. When fucking or making love to someone you are in a relationship with, a little more than “ok, let’s fuck” is required.

For me, and I had this conversation with both Chane and Dirk and even as men they agree, when I am dealing with someone I love I need the good out of bed as well as the good in bed. Now, the good in bed can make things better out of bed, true. But the good treatment out of bed is needed as well for things to be good in bed. If I were being treated like this by either Chane or Dirk, I wouldn’t be much inclined to be seeking sex with the one treating me thus. In a committed relationship it is all connected.

Arwen just does not get this. And she wants sex when she wants and and only when she wants it is seems.

I’m worried about how this is affecting both Dirk and Chane. I don’t say much to them about how I feel she is behaving because they are in enough pain as it is. And I would like to sit her down and just paint a picture of what she is doing but that isn’t a good option. And neither think it should have to be done that way. They feel what they are saying to her should be enough. And it should.

How do I deal with this? Have any of you come across something similar? What did you do?

Right now, I feel like I am just waiting to pick up the pieces.

1,000 Views

I don’t do a lot to guide readers to my blog. I enjoy the comments and feedback I have been getting though.

I started this blog to hopefully have the four of us share our thoughts and feelings on things. I’m the only one that posts and the others do not read my blog on a regular basis. I don’t think Arwen has at all. Which may be a good thing considering I have posted honestly at times about how I feel regarding her.

I continue this blog because I enjoy it and the people I’ve met and develop online relationships with. Knowing you aren’t the only one in a situation is helpful. I do hope that anyone who comes across this blog finds something to think about regardless of whether they agree with my lifestyle choice or not. And the greatest reward would be to help someone go through something similar and for them to go through it easier because of learning of our mistakes and triumphs.

So, I’m happy to have reached and surpassed 1,000 views yesterday. For me, that’s rather cool.

The Traffic Light of Polyamory

We all have some kind of boundary or limitation in what we can offer in a polyamorous relationship. Some are like a yellow light, go slow here until we figure it out. Some are like a read light, do not go there at all. And then we have things that are a full green light…this is full speed ahead.

There’s this blog I read and she got me thinking with this post.

I guess I can relate to both her and Myke.

I, too, have a primary and secondary relationship. Though I truly do not like those labels, there are a few things that make them apply. Bottom line is, I will not leave Dirk, could not choose anyone over him, instead of him. Period. Now, I find I’m lucky enough to have someone in addition to him. So, because of the unwavering permanence of my relationship with Dirk, he is my primary. Others may say it is because he was there first. There is more to it than that. I have been through many more years with this man, gone through some hell fire with him, in regards to our relationship and peripheral family. Our lives are so intricately intertwined that there are times I have trouble remembering a time in my life he hasn’t been a part of it. I still have every intention of living out my life with him. That promise we made each other so many years ago is not up for negotiation. He is who I have always turned to, my best friend. I will continue to work hard to ensure all this stays the same.

Now, enter Chane. I was so slow to let this man into my heart. I guarded it against anyone other than Dirk. I don’t let others in very easily. And I refused to fall into a relationship with Chane because Dirk was in one with Arwen. But, worm his way in he did. But, was he prepared for what he would get? I don’t love halfway. If I love you, I give it my all. But, I couldn’t predict how deeply I would come to love Chane. In so many ways, I can not differentiate between my love for him and my love for my husband. And I’ll say once more how fortunate I am to have a husband that is ok with this. He is aware, as is Chane, because I have told them, that I have as much love for Chane as I do Dirk. Mine for Dirk is more aged and mature in experience. Just because my love for Chane is young, does not mean it is less.

In an ideal world, I would simply have two husbands. With all that entails. Living together, day-to-day life with all the struggles, stress and  financial commitments. That isn’t possible.

I am not Chane’s primary relationship. Arwen is. Although he and Arwen have been together a little over half the time Dirk and I have, all the same things apply to his relationship that apply to mine with Dirk. It’s more mature and fire baked. And that’s as it should be. I know this. And I am ok with this.

However, Chane and I could have a bit more to our relationship. A key component to that would be to live closer together so that we could see each other every day for at least a small fraction of time. And, while I am well aware of how comfortable Dirk is with the depth of my relationship with Chane, I just can’t see that same amount of comfort within Arwen. An example, if something were to happen and Chane and I split up, I would be more than fine with Dirk continuing to see Arwen. However, if something were to happen between Dirk and Arwen and they split up (which was a possibility at one point) she has stated that she would NOT be ok with Chane and I continuing to see each other. She did admit it was because she wouldn’t have any one and would be jealous.

So, just like Myke, I would like more from Chane. And just like Blackdove, I know if the situation were reversed, it’s very likely I couldn’t give more to Chane. I understand why he is limited in some ways to how much he can give.

We are both lucky to have each other and I know that he loves me. And the man is getting better about expressing those feelings to me. He lets me know that he misses me. I haven’t always been aware of that since he doesn’t show things as openly as Dirk does.

Quick Trip to The City

Dirk and I made a quick trip to “the city” so to speak to get my new cell phone tonight. They didn’t have the one I want but I’ll just order it online.

However, once he found out that we were coming, Chane volunteered to stay in town so that we could all see each other for a bit.

It was a nice little, short visit. Arwen was very sleepy for some reason but once they got home she realized the medicine she had taken for her cold was NOT non-drowsy. Not a good thing for her at all.

We were all able to grab a quick bite to eat and talk amongst ourselves. Do a little catch up on a few things.

And at the end of it all, I got a really nice kiss or two or three from Chane. I wasn’t aware I needed that so much. I’m very grateful for the time I get to spend with him. Whether planned or spontaneous. Alone or in a group.

And a fellow blogger reminded me how lucky I am to have a husband who isn’t threatened by my relationship with and my love for Chane.

Internal Conflict

I’m having some internal conflict on a few issues right now.

First, I am having some issues with Chane. He found a reason to turn me down twice this weekend when I made a suggestion to see him.  What gives? Then he found out his grandmother had been admitted to to the hospital for a heart attack and was on life support. He didn’t contact me in any way to tell me. What gives with that? He would have been one of the first people I called. Am I back to the point that I need to back off a bit for my sake? He used to tell me that he loves me as much as he does Arwen. I can’t tell you the last time he has talked to me about his feelings. He tells me he loves me and he tells me he misses me. Acts like I am very important to him. And as I write this, I’m starting to wonder if Arwen has been complaining about that. She does sometimes. He rarely lets me know this happens and never tells me when it is going on.

I just got off the phone with Chane. He called me. Seems he was sick this weekend. And he is acting just fine towards me. I sometimes forget that he is moody. I am and I should really recognize that when it is happening with him. It’s just that he normally lets things slide right on off his back.

The second reason I’m conflicted could have been part of the reason I was questioning how he feels.

I had dinner with my sister that lives in the town I do last night. I finally got some questions about being poly. I didn’t mind those at all. I have come to regret a bit telling them. Particularly my mother. I didn’t explain things well due to the way I had to do it. My mom is having the hardest time. Sister told me that she and the others feel that I am only in such a relationship so that I will not lose Dirk. Not so.  I’m not sure about the others but the sister I saw last night is firmly convinced Dirk and I will end up getting divorced. I can not get her to understand that things are actually very good with he and I right now. She says he is cheating me out of the love I should be getting. I told her I don’t get less love. Why is it so hard for people to understand that you aren’t allotted a certain amount of love to divvy out? Then she thinks I’m/we’re being cheated of time together. Well, the truth is I do get less time with Dirk than I did. It’s just that we think the benefits make up for that. They also think I have compromised my faith. That I am trying to justify what I am doing.

The truth is, my family is not really acting different than most people would. They are responding to this in the worst case scenario I could come up with. Chane admitted today that his over optimistic attitude wasn’t a help to me. He really did not think that they would react this way. And this is the exact reason I debated so much on telling them.

I understand that they have a hard time wrapping their head around this whole concept. I’m just very upset that they do not have any more faith in me. That they think  I would let something interfere in my marriage of 25 years. That my commitment to Dirk wouldn’t be my top priority. It would break my heart to have to live without Chane but I think it would almost kill me to have to live without Dirk. He and I have been through so much. Basically came into adulthood together. I started dating him a few months before my 18th birthday and right after he turned 18. We married at 20 and had both or boys (as well as a miscarriage) by the time we were 27. Our children are mostly out of the house by now. Dirk and I have looked forward to this time we would have together for many years now.

I really hate that they are so sure we are headed towards divorce. That’s the worst thing for me. And what I find depressing.

Why I Chose To Complicate My Life

Posted in one of my yahoo groups by Lynelle Wilcox

A friend who know that 7 years ago or so, I re-negotiated my 13 year happy monogamous marriage to act on my love of another person asked me to share about why I’d choose such a complication for my life.

I’d already shared about the aspects of love being a multiplication thing; not a division thing; how more-love has enriched my life; how it’s created so many opportunities for valuable discussions and ponderings with my kids and other teens, and many other things that I consider valuable about my choice, in spite of the complications it also brings.

In thinking about what more I could say, it occurred to me that my almost 20 year platonic friendship wit this girl really explains it all and I’ve pasted my words to her below because it clicked even more that this is “it” for me…

About polyamory…to me, it’s an epitome of what you and I have been doing as friends for years. We were/are best friends, yet we each also have other best friends. We’re not using the word “best” as a quantity; we’re using it to describe the quality, level, depth of closeness we feel with/about each other.

Sometimes we speak daily; other times life’s ebb and flow have us not speak for a year or more, as we each pursue and address interests, jobs, other friendships, marriage issues, parenting responsibilities, new hobbies, life’s complications.

Sometimes those things draw us in closer for extra communication; other times those things take so much of out time and focus that our communication wanes for a short or long while.

But through it all, whether we speak often or rarely, there’s an overall mutual happy-ness, joy, and support of the other people you have in your life, the things they offer to you, and support of the other things you are doing in life, even when those things don’t include me.

When I hear that you have an awesome new group of girlfriends, it’s not with any feeling of being replaced; it’s with a feeling of wow! How cool! Would I like them too?

There’s no sense of “but do *they* remember your wedding? Do they know your early struggles and huge success in building a circle of like-minded homeschoolers? Do they gush like I do? Do they make amazing fruit and veggie platter like we did?”

Neither is there a sense of comparison or diminishing…i.e. “Well maybe they play great music, but I bet they can’t cook like we do. And I bet they don’t have kid conversations like you and I have with our kids. And I bet they aren’t really respectful involved parents if they work a lot. And if they’re that pretty, they’re probably superficial material people; why would you want that?”

Instead, there’s an awareness that I add something to your life AND they add things too. In some cases, they add more of the same or similar things that I do; in other cases, they add something entirely different. Even if there were cases where I found things not to like about your new friends, I’d be choosing to focus on their good points, what they give you and what you appreciate about them, as opposed to focusing on the theoretical bad things. (Unless I sensed actual risk/danger, in which case I’d share my concerns and then support you making your own decision.)

But generally, in spite of details I might or might not like, I see that they add joy to your life; they add local support that geography prevents me from giving since I moved away; they give you a “village” that enables you to have your daughter safe and happy while you deal with life’s shit that happens sometimes; and they add music!

I can be so please and happy that you’ve been able to enrich your life in ways that go beyond me. Whether or not I’d like any or your new friends, whether or not I understand what you see in them, I see that they’ve been there for you, grown with you, helped you grow, done things with you, and given things to you that I might or might not have been able to do on my own. And even if I could have done those things, you have the luxury and benefit of having different flavors of people and different styles to add to the intricacy and depth of the life tapestry you weave. I can give you me; but I can’t give you that depth and intricacy. Those things take more than one best friend.

To me, this is the epitome of friendship. Deep love and support of a loved one’s pursuit of happy-ness and people and thing that enrich his/her life in addition to me.

If that’s what we give each other as platonic best friends, I want to give that and more to the best friend(s) I feel romantically connected to…the person/people I want to build a life and future with.

I do this not just because it’s a way to be with D and R. And it’s not just what I’m doing with R. It’s what I’m doing with *you*.

I value deeply how we run our friendship. It’s how I run each of my friendships. So it almost seemed inevitable that at some point, I’d do that more in my romantic relationships, since ideally, my romantic love are best-friends to me. At some point, I realized this isn’t just what I’m doing. It’s who I am. That awareness is becoming deeper and deeper. What I’ve done with you as my best friend for almost 20 years..? that’s who I am. Beyond just-you.

Note…”this is who I am” doesn’t mean I have no choice in the matter. I’ve heard people use those words in ways that felt like excuses not to change or compromise or consider another person’s views or feelings.

I believe I always choose who to be, how I behave, and what I act on. Based on believing that the way I’ve run my friendships is reflective of a core part of me that I value, and based on D’s willingness re-negotiate our marriage, I’m choosing to act on more-love. Yes, this is who I am; but I could and would have chosen not to act on more-love if D had not been hugely generous and flexible to work with me to re-negotiate our marriage, because honoring existing commitments that are still enriching is also who I am. I am extremely lucky to have his support in the best-friend more-love aspects of “this is who I am”.