Life Throws Kinks Into Plans

I was chatting a bit with Chane yesterday and the subject of plans and how life seems to throw you something you didn’t have included in those plans came up.

That’s so very true.

It’s the reason he is in my life at all I was thinking and stated as much. He’s been a part of my life for years now and it wasn’t part of my plans. He isn’t in there in the capacity I envisioned at this point but I do count it a success that we have been able to get back in touch.

Most of you know, I never expected to live a poly life. And at this point, I didn’t expect to be in only one relationship. Even after the romantic relationship with Chane ended, I figured I’d eventually find another. I’m not in one.

Why? Well, it’s so many things. Some small, some not. The two biggest are getting two children through college. Financially, it’s hard to go on a date out with Dirk even. And it’s time as well. Time is a big one. Starting my business and keeping it going has left me with basically no spare time. I’ve even gotten into the habit of not ensuring I spend quality time with Dirk. He’s been understanding but my lack in that area has begun to play on my mind and my conscience lately. I have some custom orders for big project that have close deadlines and I do need to get those done. Afterwards, I want to make sure I set aside time each week with him. And to not feel guilty about not working the business.

Will I eventually find time or the energy for an outside relationship? I couldn’t say. I sometimes miss having one. I don’t feel I am intentionally living monogamously. Circumstances are just not allowing me much else at the time. I’m lucky still though. Dirk and I are good for each other.

Meeting Again

Not long after the one year anniversary of our breakup, Chane and I started texting again. That was strange in a couple of ways. One being I did finally get to the point of believing that was just not going to happen. The second was strange in that it mostly didn’t feel odd talking with him at all. (I believe I’ve mentioned on here that being one of the things I had been missing the most.)

Dirk and Chane have not been texting. I don’t know why. I do know that Dirk rarely texts. Even with me. And I generally initiate it.

During our talks, it came out that each couple had plans to go to the same establishment for St, Patrick’s Day. I don’t know about Chane, but for me that brought up s few questions. Would we all actually keep those plans or would one of us make new ones? If we all did keep the plans, would we see each other? By chance? By intention? How would it go? Awkward? What?

We did all keep the plans, we did see each other by intention and we did hang out together for the evening. It turned out just fine and I would repeat the experience. In particular, seeing Dirk and Chane together was uplifting for me.

Thought Question #715

I’ve thought about this and I think I just keep coming back to this one thing.

RESPECT

If you have that for whomever you are in a relationship with, I feel the rest of what’s needed follows. Regardless of the type of relationship it is.

I actually have three guidelines or criteria for a romantic relationship: respect, trust and integrity (love is a given in this situation I suppose). If you have those for someone, I truly believe that it can work.

One Year Mark

Well, today marks one year since the breakup. It took me a remarkably long time to get any kind of closure on that. And I still find I think of Chane (and Arwen too at times) more than may be normal. I don’t know. I’m never sure what normal really is any longer.

Dirk thinks of them and does miss some of our fun times but he really misses Chane. He doesn’t have many friends like he was with him.

Chane’s birthday was particularly rough for me and I’m not sure why.

Our oldest son even misses them at times and has re-established contact with Chane. I’ve very thankful that Chane has talked with him. I don’t ask about what just in case any of you were wondering. 🙂

Dirk and I aren’t in other relationships at the moment. Life has just gotten in the way of that. We are too busy surviving by working all that we can to have the time or finances to get out and about. It seems every time we think we are going to get at the least caught up, something else happens.

I’m a little at my wits end about that. A couple of things have gone right so far this new year so I keep telling myself that this is our year. That is will all get solved this year.

I do hope that I am not as bad as one friend has told me…otherwise, I’m headed for a hospitalization from a breakdown. Some days it does seem too much but mostly I just think we will make it through.

Back on topic….there are times I wonder how Chane and Arwen are fairing in life. Hoping things are going well for them and their family.

Dirk and I don’t avoid mentioning them to each other at all. We have some great memories of them.

There are times I wonder did I do all that I could have done to make it work.

There are times I regret how I ended things.

There are times I know I did the right thing and times I question it.

All these times are fewer than they used to be. But I wonder if they will ever completely go away. I’m starting to doubt it. Chane was a very important part of my life. You just don’t forget that and never think of it again. At least I don’t.

 

Thought Question #697

I’m enjoying these thought questions. Some I’m just finding interesting and others well, they make me think and possibly share more of myself with you than I would be. At least here lately. And they help this overworked mind stay writing.

One sentence version:

My relationship with my father is non-existent.

 

Longer version.

I have no contact with my bio dad. He left when I was very young and I did re-establish contact when I was an adult. He hadn’t changed but I could say at least I tried.

I have very limited contact with my step father. It would be none at all if possible. Seeing that he is still a part of my mother’s life and also that of my baby sister’s, there is some. I won’t go into the why’s of it all at this time. And I may have shared a little already but I’ll consider doing a whole post on it if I feel I can do it without compromising my autonomy.

I LOVE my father-in-law. He is my father figure. Thank you for him Dirk.

 

Thought Question #696

10 years ago? I have to really think about this. Long term memory is not my strong suit and, even though this isn’t a huge expanse of time, I have so much going on in my head right now that sorting this all out made me really have to think.

First, we weren’t non-monogamous in any way. Not too many years from it and the fantasies of group sex were there in our lives just not a realization yet. Polyamory wasn’t even a thought or an awareness of its existence. Pretty vanilla in most ways.

We were still rather active in organized religion though the organized part had begun to pale for us. But we were a mainstream, mostly normal couple at this time.

Still 2 years away from being grandparents at an early age. Started the hormonal thing with the boys pretty heavy with the oldest son.

Very busy with extra curricular activities for them. On the go constantly.

No health issues due to age. Eyesight was still about the same as my young years (nearsighted). We took that for granted. The being in fairly good health and able to get up and go with out making bone cracking noises. 🙂

It was a good time for our marriage. We had gotten past the general problems of the earlier years. We were starting on the ones that all the work had made possible. Though we communicated rather well, it wasn’t what we would later be able to do. (Even now, I find that we don’t discuss things as much as we were while in multiple relationships. When something isn’t absolutely necessary you let it slide.)

We were on the cusp is seems of some life changing decisions. Little did we know.

Thought Question #689

I’ve been turned to this site by a new blogger I’m reading.

Since I seem to be wallowing in the sameness of life, same drama, same relationships and all and I’ve been a bit stressed at work so I’m not thinking well to gather my own thoughts….and I happen to like some of these….I’m adding these to my blog to get my brain going again at the least.

Time.

Good quality time with those I love. Particularly of the romantic kind. Currently, I’m only in one relationship but, I know from experience that quality time (and sometimes quantity) is not easy to come by with any relationship. I truly enjoy spending time with those I love.

Blessed

I’m a blessed woman.

Hubby had a motorcycle wreck but is healing up fine. I won’t go into details for autonomy’s sake but things could have been much worse. He kept his head. So, lucky he is going to be ok.  So, is the bike (he was worried).

But what I’m also blessed  in is my husband. I’m tired. He’s able to take care of himself mostly now but with doing all I had to for him in the beginning, trying to work some because so much of what I do is in my head and stuff like that, and then doing it all at the house, I’m even more aware of how much he contributes to that household in terms of work.

We don’t particularly have his and her chores. A few because we each do have our strong suits and some are obviously done better by one than the other.

He does so much. I listened this morning to one woman complain about working all day and coming home to having to cook by herself at night. So many women have to do that. I don’t. I can’t really think of anything he doesn’t help with other than checkbooks and such.

He’s great. I know this. And I do try not to take it for granted at any time. But, him being out of commission just makes me really take stock.

Nice Lazy Days

Dirk and I have been on vacation. Nice lazy days at the river.

I’ve needed this but wasn’t aware of it until I was there. I would have loved for us both to have had a whole week off but I’m thankful for the long weekend we had.

Just he and I. The woods and a bit of hunting for him. Crocheting for me but on things I was wanting to try and not orders I have. (Bad of me I know but as he said, you are on vacation.) Watching old TV shows that it’s been years since we’ve seen. Eating nothing fancy or special at all. Sleeping. The days just flew by.

A little of a crisis in one child’s life we helped deal with but not too much.

I’m off three days this weekend and was wondering about the possibility of staying longer but the logistics of work may not make that feasible at this time.

It’s been a while since I’ve wished I had a solid week off from work. It’s just not often a possibility and I accept that.

I’m in a good place this morning though. 🙂

 

Talking With My Children

I had one child confront (?) me a little while ago about not being open about seeing others. That he thought we had come far enough in things that I wouldn’t keep it from him. Truth is, we aren’t dating any one. He was talking about swinging as well. And we aren’t doing that right now.

We just do not have the time or finances for much right now. When we do get time, it is usually because we have set aside one night a month for US to go on a regular date. Our relationship needs that. Call me crazy but I can’t cancel that one date we get to go on another one with someone else. We don’t have internet at home right now so, meeting or searching out others isn’t so easy either.

The other child, who recently got a divorce, I brought up non-monogamy with. I thought this was the perfect time to see if he had thought about whether he wanted to  live monogamously. If he could live monogamously. That’s what he wants. Monogamy. Which is fine with me. No problem at all.

Neither or our children really “get” how we can be non-monogamous. And I’ve never found a way to answer any questions from them in a way that helps. But, it isn’t something they want so, why should they be any different than all the others?

The biggest thing is that they will talk to us about it.