Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Getting a Want


It’s occasionally nice to get a want. Not a need but simply a want.

Years and years ago, Dirk used to have a motorcycle. He’s wanted another over that time but things just didn’t make it feasible. Money, family all sorts of things.

He purchased one today. (Picture not the actual one).  I’m very happy for him. I’m also happy he actually did this. As usual, the money could have been used for more practical things. However, we’ve been helping others met their needs lately. The money he got for the purchase was due to hard work on his part. Sacrifice. And I feel he deserves something for him.

It’s good for all of us to get a WANT once in a while. Whether it be something small or not. It’s uplifting.

 

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I’m Always Glad If I Discover Something About Myself


I’m not generally afraid to look within myself and at myself. I don’t particularly like living stagnantly. With no challenges. It is a challenge to really look at yourself. What you believe, why you believe it and if those beliefs have changed over time.

To grow as a person, I feel one must examine oneself. Do I believe something because it is “normal” to believe that? Or do I believe it because I was taught to believe it? Or do I just really believe it?

Did I react badly to an emotional problem I had? If so, why did I do that? What is the underlying reason? Not just the surface one. If my reaction was true to how I feel about something, yet it hurt someone, is that wrong?

Not looking within and learning about yourself is, in my opinion, a form of hiding. Of not facing life. Yet in my effort to do so, I at times go overboard. To over-think things. Which is better?

I’m always glad to discover something about myself. Maybe not always happy about what I discovered but glad I faced things head on and learned something. And then I’ll have to opportunity to change what I found I didn’t like. Or to at times say, “Hey you aren’t doing so bad in this world”.

Right now, I have a few habits I am not happy with. But I’m having trouble finding the motivation to be unhappy enough about them to make a change in them. And I’m not liking that about myself. I suppose I haven’t figured out what makes an obviously bad habit worth it to me. And that is most likely the key to changing the habit.

I find time  to refine my views on poly it seems. Not really a bad thing. It is important to me to know what I expect and have to offer in this arena.  Yet Dirk doesn’t seem to have an opinion on his views at the moment. At least not one he is sharing. That being the case, I’ve been thinking if I have the desire to live a mono/poly life. If he wants to be mono do I have a desire to live polyamorously myself? I need to do some searches on this. See how it works for others that chose this way.

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Not Myself Lately?


I’ve may have mentioned that I’ve been “down in my back” lately. It’s been going on a month now I would wager in varying degrees of pain. This has caused numerous other problems within my body. And frankly, I’m just plain tired of all that.

And I’ve had stress at work to say the least.

So, I’ve been told I have not been myself. I can even agree with that to some extent. But I’m still fundamentally me.

I may not be as diplomatic as I normally try to be. I may not have quite the patience I have at other times.

But I don’t think that I am so much off me. Lord, my children would have said something if that were the case. 🙂

Maybe I am demanding. I’ve stated as such here before. I can be high maintenance in the emotions department.

Do you know something? I’ve stated that I may live monogamously. Why? Because I’m stressing over a relationship that I was worried about starting in the first place? Because I thought about something someone said even when I felt my “rule?” or whatever was correct for me? I don’t know. Because it is just fucking easier? I don’t know.

So, now, I’m having to back off some from a friend. And I truly wonder at times if that friendship will ever be as open and free again.

Now that is sad and frankly irritating.

 

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Communication a Must


Dirk and I would never “get” each other if we didn’t talk. We talked some this weekend. I’ve had a lot rolling around in my brain. And poly wasn’t something I was going to pursue if he was where I “thought” he was.

First, he’s just being cautious about getting back out there. Yes, he had a spurt of doing so but it has made him step back and reevaluate if he was likely to let that get out of control the way it did the last time. And partly that is to protect me.

And if I’ve mentioned doing something with someone alone he says the right things but seems to draw into himself a bit. That’s him worrying about me. I got hurt. He knows I am just now dealing with what I hope will be the last of it. He doesn’t want that to happen again. But doesn’t want to stop me.

So, I was misunderstanding some things and he says he needs to work on the over protectiveness.

Me, I think I’d rather he be like that than to not give a shit about what happens to me. 🙂

Him, well, he is going to try to not do things in spurts and stops I believe. Just a slow pace.

Me, well, I’m going to see what feels right. And I’m thinking trying to have another primary relationship isn’t it for now. Hell, I hardly ever met anyone.

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