I just don’t post often at all these days. Starting a business is part of it. Not having internet access readily available at the moment is another. Finances are tight right now and cable TVs with internet access is something we moved to the bottom of the list for now. I can get on the internet at work for email and stuff but can’t risk my blog. My phone had access and I keep up with things that way. However, I really tend to misspelled typing on my phone keyboard.
Then there’s the fact that things in our quad are not “exciting”. It isn’t that things don’t need improving. Some things do. I’m struggling a bit myself with things I want so badly to let go. Things I’ve been dealing with well. Examples; relationship limitations with Chanel and how Arwen treats my men.
I could be having problems again because it’s the holiday season and I either love that time or it depresses me. Its actually a combination this year. Strange. And the other is, while I haven’t been blogging, I have been talking poly. And some of the conversations I’ve had, as well as blogs I’ve read, have made me remember consciously things I have actually put behind me. And things I try to deal with positively. All thus over the last couple of months, combined with not seeing Chanel and having quality time at least, had me wondering just how much longer I can continue like this.
I feel we must, at times, re-evaluate our relationships. For them to be healthy, I believe the positives must outweigh the negatives as a whole. My relationship with Chanel is more neutral than anything else. No real positives. What do I get from this relationship? Both the positives and negatives are harder to see since I’ve had to distance myself from my feelings so much just so I can cope. I really wasn’t aware until recently just his emotionally distant I’ve become. I haven’t had much if a choice.
Maybe I should wait to deal with this until after the holidays are over since they seem to be having some influence over me. Or, hell, maybe that influence is so ill actually think. Something I now know I’ve been avoiding.