Desires and Fears

Deliver me, O Jesus,

From the desire of being loved,

From the desire of being extolled,

From the desire of being honored,

From the desire of being praised,

From the desire of being preferred,

From the desire of being consulted,

From the desire of being approved,

From the desire of being popular,

From the fear of being humiliated,

From the fear of being despised,

From the fear of suffering rebuked,

From the fear of being calumniated,

From the fear of being forgotten,

From the fear of being wronged,

From the fear of being ridiculed,

From the fear of being suspected.

—-Mother Teresa, in “Mother Teresa, A Simple Path”

This prayer is associated with Mother Teresa, because it was a prayer she utilized regularly.

But, original version written by Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930), the secretary of the state for Pope Saint Puis X.

(btw; calumniate–To make maliciously or knowingly false statements about.)

Intentions

Once again, I’ve found something by someone else I would like to share.

I choose to walk the path of more love, of love as a manifestation of the Divine…with each breath, with each thought, with each word, with each step and with each action, I choose to live as the love I wish to be offered. I do this for myself, my beloved(s), my community and the world we all share with each other. “Walk joyfully upon the earth, seeing ‘that of God’ in everyone.”

© Copyright Tara Shakti-Ma 2010

What’s Been Happening

My life has been “just life” lately. Not that that is a bad thing. No major drama is nice for a change.

First, Dirk and I have been able to spend some time together. That’s all we needed and I really knew that. After so long together, we have pretty much figured out what we need. Whether it is a quiet night at home, a romantic evening out, or doing something we’ve never done before. We can not, however, control his work schedule (that most definitely does not correspond with mine) and do not have the opportunities to do those things as soon as needed. We’ve learned to make plans and schedule things. And occasionally we get to the something spontaneous.

Dirk had a complication that seemed to be related to the surgery he had in June (I posted about that then if you are interested). We spent a week nervous about what they would find with the test they scheduled. Thankfully, that turned out to be only something minor and was fixed.

I haven’t seen Chane much lately. He said we could go something last weekend but never finalized anything with me. We should see them this coming weekend. That means that within the last month I have only seen him once…when we all four had the chance to catch supper together unexpectedly. I’m not happy about that but I hope that can be improved upon during the next month.

I’ve decided that one’s children either do not call you or they only call when they need something.

The youngest and I signed the papers for a car for him. The next day, he lost his job. Two or three of them did but now I am really considering trying to find a part-time job of my own to help with his expenses. Dirk and I have always resisted that in the past because we have such a hard time seeing each other sometimes due to his schedule that we didn’t want to risk reducing that. But the youngest hasn’t been able to find another job yet. And frankly, we cannot afford to pay for two households.

The oldest is still happy it seems. Granted, I was leery about him getting re-married so quickly but it seems to be working for them. I’m glad to see that. He’s a good father and, with this marriage, it looks like he has someone that will work with him and I hope to see exactly what a good husband I know he is capable of being. And seeing someone appreciate him is nice.

Out Of Sync

If Dirk and I where performing an acrobatic act, it would be bad. We wouldn’t be able to manage anything that took timing.

We haven’t been arguing or anything but…things are not right. In anything we do. Talking, sex or spending quality time together.

We discussed it a little this morning and he said we were “out of sync”. Not long after that we had a prior commitment to fulfill and didn’t get back to this.

So, what exactly did he mean? If that’s how you want to describe things with us, I’d have to say that, although our lives are intertwined, it’s our whole lives that are a little out of sync.

We have been having so much going on. Youngest having his first semester in college, him getting a car (with payments we’ll have to make if he can’t), financial worries, work worries and still trouble between Dirk and Arwen. Is it any wonder that we are a bit off?

These issues are not going anywhere. So, what are we to do? What is the key to allowing us to get “us” back and not let the ball drop on these other things? It requires time and effort and I’m not blessed with a lot of time with Dirk and I’m so tired that effort seems impossible.

None of the issues have anything to do with being poly. Well, other than Dirk is unhappy with how things are progressing with Arwen. Normally he is able to talk about his worries and fears and frustrations with me. He hasn’t been doing that because he says I’ve had enough on my plate to worry about. It truly sucks that he has not come to me. I understand why he hasn’t but it isn’t good.

Now, I know we will get past this, we always get past things.  But I really need the security of what we have at this moment.

My Football Woes (I’m Such An Odd Girl)

My football team lost their coach this week. Not nicely. The former coach left us in the a tight spot. I feel the athletic director hasn’t handled this situation well at all.

I’ve been irritated and anxious about who will replace him and what this all means for the football program’s future since it happened. Both Dirk and Chane get a kick out of how involved I get about my team.

Well, we have a new coach as of a few hours ago and I’m not sure what I feel about him. His predecessor I was never sure of and he left after only one season. Do we have a contract that will hinder this coach from doing the same? Due to the violations performed by the coach that just left, did we have to settle for someone? Or is he really what we need? And why do I let it get to me?

Dirk, Chane and I are fans of different teams. Both the teams they follow are the biggest rivals of my team. And we are all in the toughest conference around. We smack talk amongst ourselves in good fun. But the truth is, each of us is very loyal to our team and care about what happens. It’s just a bit odd that me, a girl, feels as strongly as they do.

Well, I’m telling myself that I need to sit back and see how things go before making up my mind. He does deserve a chance. And, at a glance, he appears to be a man of more integrity that the one who just left.

Maybe now my mood will improve somewhat.

UPDATE: I think he has made me buy into things. He really impressed me with his press conference. It will take a few years but, I think he will be able to make a difference.

Hinges and Arms

A thread on a poly forum I belong to made me stop and think. (Scary that.)

I’ve posted about difficult times I’ve had with Chane and how I don’t understand some of what has been going on. I think I do now.

We’ve always identified as a quad. I have problems with that lately and do not feel that is strictly true any more. We are more a set of v relationships. Take myself for example; I am a hinge for the relationship that involves Dirk, Chane and myself. But I’m an arm in two other relationships…the one between Arwen, Chane and myself and the one between myself, Dirk and Arwen.

These changes in our big quad relationship have caused changes in our smaller relationships. I think it has emphasized primary relationships in a way. Whereas Chane used to think of both Arwen and myself as wives, he now sees me as a girlfriend. And therein lies the limitations we’ve acquired in our relationship and the adjustments I had to make. And now that I’ve basically realized what has  been going on, and adjusted, things are going rather well for us.

I do not get involved really in the relationships Dirk or Chane have with Arwen. Sure, she still affects some aspects of my relationships with them just by her behavior. However, I am getting better and better at either letting it go or venting and letting it go. And letting the guys decide what to hold her accountable on. Or what they want to address with her.

In my roles as a hinge and arms, I’ve learned how to balance each relationship as needed. For the most part I get things to work out just fine in the balance department these days.

Rearrangement, re-negotiations and such weren’t made consciously it seems. Each relationship sorta flowed that way. Mostly out of how Arwen deals with all of us. Which, technically, isn’t “fair” but how it has had to be in order to keep these relationships at all. And we are more interested in making sure we keep those relationships than having our ideal relationships. We’ve decided to this point that the adjustments are worth what we are keeping.

Polyamory in the News

Polyamory in the News.

Finally catching up and sharing some things with you in case you don’t subscribe.

I’m Sick and Feeling Stressed and Sorry for Myself

I’m sick and stressing to have missed work today because I have some deadlines to take care of.

I’ll go to work tomorrow but I also have to go back to the doctor. This is the first time I’ve been sick really since I started taking blood pressure medicine and I’m ashamed to say it didn’t not even enter my head not to take anything over-the-counter for the symptoms until I could get into see the doctor. I still feel bad after my shots today but I won’t be taking any more OTC meds.

I was sick the whole time we got to spend time with Arwen and Chane. Though I’ll admit it wasn’t as bad at the beginning. I do not require, or want, a lot of special attention when I’m sick. It took Dirk years to get that and now he is good about letting me just ask if I need something. Chane doesn’t have the same nurturing personality that Dirk does and he, therefore, doesn’t hover the way Dirk used to. Once again, I’m a lucky woman it seems. Both my men took care of me this weekend in just the right way.

I just feel a little sorry for myself because I don’t feel good and I don’t want to start the new year off sick. I don’t want this to be a sign of how my year is going to progress. And, I know myself, I may not have ever thought of that if I weren’t feeling so bad. And that also tells me that I should probably end this post before I start thinking really weirdly out loud and scare any one who may be reading. LOL

Made it Through The Holidays

We’ve made it through the holidays.

I haven’t posted in so long that I’m not sure where to begin. The hardest part I guess….it’s the first visit my mother has made since I came out to my family. She has acted a bit strangely. Mostly toward Dirk I think. I have found out that she and my sisters feel I am only going this to “keep” Dirk and that he and I are headed toward divorce. I wasn’ t comfortable bringing up Chane or Arwen’s name at all. In this respect, my holidays were on the sad side.

The four of us had to schedule a few hours in which to exchange gifts since we had things planned with family in separate states. I would love for a day to come when we don’t have to do any scheduling like this.

Plans for New Year’s Eve had to be changed a few times but we all worked that out and still managed to have a rather nice time.

We are all together for the weekend right now. We are like old married couples these days. We have settled into routines of sorts I guess and that isn’t a bad thing. We are comfortable with each other for the most part.