Happy Anniversary Dirk!!!

Today is the 27th anniversary of our marriage. Now that’s worth celebrating!

Such Different Behaviour For Us

Dirk and I didn’t exactly go wild at the party this weekend. We didn’t have sex all over the place or anything. 😉

What we did was very different from what we were doing four years ago and even during the early and middle parts of our poly relationship.

We were free.

And it was great to find out that after all this time talking and growing it wasn’t just words we spouted. It was real.

We trusted each other enough to live up to where we said we were at.

And I don’t care if I seem to be portraying us as a perfect couple again. We are what we are. And we are good together. And apart now.

We Know Where We Are At

Dirk and I have been talking about what we want lately. And we have chosen to do it all I guess. Swing, FWB, poly. We’ve decided that it could all work for us on some level. We’ve decided that we are going to pursue this and we’ll work on it as things progress.

We attended a party this weekend and it was great for Dirk and I on several levels. Just socializing that much was awesome for us. We haven’t had many chances for meeting people at all lately with all that has been going on in our life as a whole this past year. So, seeing some old friends and meeting some people that will be new friends was great.

Being around so many people that are accepting of us was nice as well. This group, whether vanilla or not, was still so cool.

And apparently, I flirt. I don’t think I do that well. But it seems that some things that I consider “just being me” others see as flirting. Dirk and Eve explained that to me some. I’ll have to think on that some more. And it isn’t things I feel I can change because they are just who I am. Hmmmm…. The thing is, I’ve been compared unfavorably in recent years to others in this category. That’s the past I know but must have left more of an impression on me still than I was aware of.

I’m so very happy that Dirk had such a marvelous time. I had one as well but I get a certain kick when Dirk does. It could be partly because his time for such things is so very limited.

Thank you Jack for the party.

Starting On a Journey

I was reading a blog that a woman has just started. They have opened up their marriage.

Oh the scariness and the excitement and the emotions of those first steps. I remember them well still. And I now know where things could have been handled better.

With my children, I want to save them from making some of the same mistakes I have made. You want to save them some pain in life. It just doesn’t work that way in general. Nor can it work that way when you are taking a ride in the backseat of someone’s new journey. It isn’t that I see big red flags. I just remember how the ride is full of ups and downs. I feel for them.

But, that’s part of the learning process. You learn best from things you do. Dirk and I wouldn’t be where we are without the bad as well as the good. The bad was very difficult to live through at times but it has paid off.

You have to admire someone for, figuring out what doesn’t work for them and instead of throwing the whole thing away right off the bat, looking for an alternative that does work for them.

No, non-monogamy isn’t for everyone. But the willingness to look outside the box in any fashion is admirable and potentially very rewarding.

Good Luck to the Pans.

Father’s Day

We spent the weekend with our youngest son in his new part of the world. Celebrated his job (finally!) and Father’s Day with him and his girlfriend. Saw some sights. Was with him when he found a new place to live….a “real” apartment in my eyes and not just a one room place.

And last night we went to watch The Green Lantern with our oldest and his wife. Enjoyed the movie and got some dinner.

I believe Dirk enjoyed it all.

Mourning

My cousin passed away Saturday morning.

She was a special person to me.

I didn’t know she had cancer.

I forged a relationship with her early in my life. We used to write letters back and forth. No internet then. Later in years we didn’t stay so closely in contact but when we did talk it was still freely and like time hadn’t passed. I don’t blame her at all for not letting me know personally that she had cancer. She was in the middle of a battle. She would have thought my mom would tell me. And mom says she thought she did. It’s just unfortunate that I didn’t know.

I was told rather quickly that she had died. Apparently her husband specifically asked mom to let me know by name. (I find it great that he was aware of how close we were.)

What I been struggling with since Saturday morning is not being there for her. Not knowing I only had a few short months to let her know plainly in words what she meant to me. We always put those things off if we don’t have a reason to do differently.

I struggle with now knowing she had a difficult battle and I didn’t check in on her or offer her encouragement.

I just struggle with the fact that she is gone.

Are We Ready?

Where does the time go?

I’ve been meaning to tell you that Dirk and I had a conversation about where we are. Had to take a drive to do it but we had it.

We aren’t on separate paths but more like on paths that cross each other right now. He’s been weighing the pros and cons of both swinging and poly. At this time, I feel he sees more pros in the swinging area than I do. Not a bad thing.

The truth is, we are both still feeling out how we are feeling about intentionally setting out to live poly or in some way non-monogamous. We want to have our eyes open as we traverse whatever path we each individually and collectively  chose to take.

At this time, we’ve basically come to some conclusions. We don’t have to chose one or the other. We can do both. We aren’t giving someone all the control again. We want to proceed slowly. And I did voice thoughts on making sure we actually proceed if we chose and not get caught up in the slowly process.

I don’t know that either of us know fully where we want to go from here.

We miss the social aspects of being with others. Yet, our life is busy right now with obligations of a family sort.

I can live monogamous with him if that’s what it comes down to. I just don’t want to do so because we were afraid to enter the fray once again.