Days of Truth: Something You Hope You Never Have To Do

As morbid as it sounds, the first thing that came to my head is most likely the one I’d dread the most.

I hope to never have to bury my children.

It is out of the natural order of things. I know that they’ll die one day but I’m supposed to go before they do. I’ve buried loved ones over the years. I can do that. I know the pain of it…of being left without them in your life. Grandmothers, aunts, uncles, friends etc. But I do not want to have to bury my children.

I came close once. They were both in a car wreck. A bad one. The youngest was the least hurt physically though he was the most effected mentally since he can remember the whole thing. The oldest was so close to death that they had him in a drug induced comma to help him get stable and all just so they could do surgery on him. It’s a miracle he is alive and that he is even walking.

I’m so thankful for that. Every time he tells me his back hurts (2 MAJOR surgeries on it), I tell him be thankful he can feel it and he is walking around.

No parent wants to see their children die and after coming so close to this, I know how it would affect me. And that is something I hope never to have happen in my life.

Revisiting The End Addressed to Chane

For a weird reason (not important to this), I came across the text from Chane that was the last communication we had before I ended things with him.It just confirmed our basic lack of communication.

You say you found things out on my blog that you didn’t feel I had told you. I say that I tried to have these conversations with you face to face. It was just like pulling teeth to me to get you to actually say something. I wanted so much to have a relationship with you that communication wasn’t so difficult. I need that.

At times it was a issue (with all four of us I feel at times) that we didn’t change communication styles according to which lover we were dealing with. It’s easier to stick with what you are used to doing. Like Chane was used to communicating wtih Arwen the most since he lived with her. She and and I have vastly different styles. I would rather have it faced head on….not swept under a rug. It even got to where Dirk would try to communicate with me like he and Chane needed to with Arwen. It just isn’t how I function. And, frankly, I deserve to be treated as an individual. I felt you should talk with me as freely as Dirk will. That isn’t you and I tried to meet you half  way on that.

You’ve accused me of blaming everything on Arwen. I don’t deny that I hold her accountable for many things. If for no other reason than she was unwilling to deal with things. I’m not perfect. I know this. But I don’t hide from things for the most part.

What hurts me about thinking of all this again (and I need to at times to make sure I don’t just remember the good things), is that, if everyone is honest with theirselves I’ve been told that I tried so hard with her. Both Chane and Dirk have told me that I did. In the end,you said things to me that made it sound like either, you had never thought those things and only said them to me (why the hell you would do that is beyond me) or now you no longer do.

There are so many times that I never felt I got the whole story from you. Times I felt you only offered up just enough to keep me around. Now, I ask myself, why would you do that? I never knew what I actually offered you. What you  got from a relationship with me. The best I got along those lines was once you told me that I offered you a different perspective on issues. What? I make you think? That’s it?

Back to fussing at me about what I blog about. Why read it and sit there and stew about it? Just talk to me about what you read instead of reading it and holding it in. Isn’t that what I wanted you to do to start with? But reading it and not addressing things was dishonest. You saw into me without affording me the same right to see into you. Wrong Chane. Just wrong. For both you and Arwen to do that.

I never responded much to that last long text you sent. Just told you I was walking out the door. I knew where it was and I could walk through it. But, Dirk and I are not to blame for everything either. Most specifically me. I’m the one both you and Arwen have accused. Yet, you both know that I’m willing to sit down and discuss things. I may not agree with you but I do have the willingness to at least try to see another’s POV. No matter what you said about that last talk we mediated. I made Dirk see Arwen’s side just as much as I tried to make her see his side.

You need to face up to some things on your end if you are to ever have another outside relationship.

I know that I love(d) you. I know that I tried to make it work with you. I know I’ve done my best.

Days of Truth: Something You Hope To Do In Your Life

I hope to travel. Dirk has a Scottish ancestry and I have an Irish one (both with American Indian mixed in) and we hope to make it to Scotland and Ireland at the least one day.

I’ve know many years about my Irish background but didn’t know about the same amount of Cherokee Indian in my heritage until recently. I’ll be looking into that some more as well. I imagine that I will find a way to embrace that in some way as well I imagine. I like learning about things like that and how to I can incorporate it into my life.

We want to travel to many places, both distant and within a day of us. It is our dream. Though we haven’t planned well financially for that I will admit. But we do hope to have quite a few years left to make these trips in.

In some ways I feel that we have put off a few of the short trips in the last years because it wasn’t something that all four of us could do. And with limited time to spend together, we chose to spend what time we had with Arwen and Chane. No regrets. This last year or two we have not been as financially solvent as we have in the past and that hasn’t helped.

I don’t know that we will totally pass up the travel opportunities in any new relationships we have in the future. Even if Dirk is working shift work, we deserve to live some of the dreams we have had for years. Whether we chose to do so on our own or with others. Just because we are in relationships, doesn’t mean we can’t still fulfill dreams we have had for us for years now. That is one of the things I’ve learned since the breakup.

Not only did I let someone have control over the relationship I had with Chane, but both Dirk and I made sacrifices in dreams we had. In part due to some circumstances beyond our control. Chane and Arwen even didn’t so some things (like a trip to see their son overseas) because of things under Arwen’s control. I hate that for Chane especially. Arwen chose not to not go instead of making the effort to face the consequences of some of her actions. Thereby, keeping at least Chane from going and possibly Dirk and I as well. Too much control was given to her. I’ve always felt Chane should have gone without her because of that. Not wanting to make the effort required on her part.

Back on topic. I want to travel. I want to see where my people are from. And I don’t want to totally give up my dreams for any new relationship.

Good Post I Found On Jealousy

I read blogs and when I find something that makes sense or resonates with me I like to share them. Check this post for a good take on jealousy. I’ve heard it talked about many times but the fight or flight thing hasn’t actually kicked in with me before.

Doesn’t Want to Share? Or Doesn’t Want to Share with Me?

For the most part, I had a good relationship with Chane. His main fault with me was that I felt Arwen caused the majority of our problems. She controlled our relationship more than I felt was right. Then again, he let her. And I did too to start with. Live and learn.

She’s said since the end of the breakup that she is thankful to have her husband all to herself again. That this was never her idea. Maybe not. But she is actually the one to form a “relationship” with Dirk that didn’t involve just swinging before Chane and I ever did. She may not have known about the word poly….none of us did. But, what wasn’t her idea? Having a relationship with Dirk? Then why did she pursue that? Chane and I having a relationship? Well, double standards did abound in this quad for quiet a while in favor of Dirk and Arwen.Did she have a problem with Chane having another relationship at all? Or was it just him having one with me?

I ask because, though she says she wants him all to herself, they are now paying on a site to meet others that they formerly were only free members of. She is bi, or at least when she decides to be. Are they only looking for other females?

It shouldn’t matter and in the long run, it doesn’t. But, here’s where I have issues. Chane and I loved each other. I still love him. I know she has issues but, I can not imagine asking, even indirectly by my behavior, for Dirk to end a relationship with someone he loved. Period. Much less ask him to end that and then ask him to pursue others with me after having him break things off. (Though I’m sure it would be pointed out to me that I actually did the breaking up. But I didn’t really have a choice. Long, long story.)

Now, to be fair, I don’t know the whole story to what they are doing. It just hurts a bit when I see this online. At no time did I say we should all be exclusive. That was out of my control.  Can’t say that I would have seen anyone else but it was never a requirement of mine that it was forbidden. That came from Arwen to start with.

I miss Chane. I love him and it APPEARS that sharing him wasn’t really the deal, no matter what Arwen has said. It was sharing him with me.

I can’t even say that I’m any where near ready to look for someone else. Not even ready to consider swinging again. And it’s a bit disconcerting to know that they are. For Chane has had to agree to this I imagine. Of course, I suppose there is the possibility that Arwen is the only one looking. The profile is for a couple though.

It’s amazing the things about this that can still hurt. Though I’ll be the first to admit, they have the right to do as they please.

Just wondering today (and after watching something on TV last night that followed some of the same thoughts), what is it about me personally that wasn’t worth Chane fighting for and what it was about me that Arwen found so hard to take.

Not, putting myself down here. I know I am worthy. I know I deserve to be treated with integrity. I just wonder why I wasn’t. And I selfishly wonder why I have do without someone I love.

Oh well, I’ll be better tomorrow.

Lovely, Busy Time Away

Dirk and I went away this past week. Now, granted, I had to go to a conference for work part of that time but, the off time I had, he and I had a good time together.

We spent St. Patrick’s Day night at a real Irish pub. Great food, good music and good company. The only thing missing was more people. Normally, when he and I go out to a place like this, we end up with people at t our table. We enjoy meeting and chatting with new people. It’s cool though. We like each others company just fine.

Made it back to our home town in time to spend some time with my family before they left Saturday morning. Grilled out, spent time getting to know the new man my sister is dating.

Saturday was a bit of a lazy day for me since Dirk was working and I just felt off. Too many late nights for this old girl?

Sunday we went to a Fairy Tea Party in the woods. Drank tea and mimosas and ate sweets. Watched others participate in a Wilde Egg Hunt. The fresh air and sunshine wore me out. Came home to supper being cooked. Can’t beat that.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!

St. Patrick’s Day This Year

If you are a regular reader, you most likely know I celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. Being a significant amount of Irish in my heritage is part of that. A good reason to know of at least one time a year you will party is another. LOL

The best celebration Dirk and I have ever had was in Savannah, Ga. Here’s a link for where I’d like to be on my way to. It isn’t in the cards that we make it there this year. Not only financially but just not possible. For the last two years, the only conference I make sure I get to go to for my work has been the week of St. Patrick’s Day. Don’t ask me why. But I get so much out of this conference, I choose it to attend if I only get to go to one a year.

So, we’ll still be in Florida for St. Patrick’s Day on the east coast. We’ll be going back to where we found last year. Nice place, nice food, reasonable price, nice music (Irish downstairs and rock upstairs). Conference will be over that day and I won’t have to go back the next morning. We’ll get the chance to have some fun I hope.

I’ll be happy to have the chance and maybe next year they will choose a different week for this conference and we can head back to one of Dirk’s favorite places. We need to try to make a visit there any way if we can squeeze in the time and money.

Days of Truth Day Two: Something I Love About Myself

You know this is more hard than the what I hate about myself. It isn’t that I don’t like things about myself, I do. I may not have had the ability often in the past but the older I get the more I like about me. The less I find fault with me.

And that’s what I think I’m choosing today to love about myself. It’s that I have found peace with who I am.

Not that I’m say I don’t need to continue to grow as I go through life. It’s that I’m happy with the growth I’ve made until now. I wouldn’t live some things over even knowing things I know now. I wouldn’t be the same person as I am today if I had done things differently.

And overall….I like the person I am now.

I have issues still. Improvements I could make. For example, I could stand to lose some weight. However, I no longer cringe if I look in the mirror at myself naked. I used to. And this was when I was younger and things just looked better on a whole in the mirror. I couldn’t see that then. Now, I see, that while I may need to live a bit healthier, my appearance doesn’t define me.

Another thing, I’ve had enough years go by now that I also don’t have much patience with some aspects. Drama for one. I’ve had the time to learn some things are not worth the aggravation of being around that. At work, at home, or any where. Live is too short to fret about some things. You can’t be living it to the fullest if you worry about small stuff you can’t change.

I still stress about things but that’s a big thing for me to have learned. To live a happier live by learning to differentiate between what you can’t and can’t change and let the things you can’t go. I like that about the me I am these days.

I like that I realize I’m not perfect, am never going to be perfect, and others shouldn’t expect me to be perfect. I like that I’m happy trying to be the best me I can be in this point and time.

I like that I’ve finally realized I can not do it all. In fact, I’m getting older and I won’t even be able to do all that I was once able to do. And this is ok. I just have to make priorities in life and go from there. Everything can not be at the top of the list.

And I like that I try to make sure my needs are taken care of as well these days. Huge step for me.

Life is a bit out of sync these days, not bad, in fact good for the most part, but still a bit out of sync if that makes sense. But I like the fact that I can see this and know that I don’t have to panic and get it immediately purring again. That I’ve learned some things work out better if you allow them to work at the pace best to accomplish that. Full speed ahead isn’t always the answer.

I like that I am liking myself more as time goes by.

Days of Truth Day One: Something I Hate About Myself

I hate that I can so easily get in the depressed state but I find it so very difficult to get out of that state. (I had a picture of Tom Cruise flash through my head just then….the scene from Knight and Day where he is untying Cameron Diaz in the garage saying “Here with me….here without me.”.)  Easy to get int the state but hard to get out of ….easy in, hard out.

I’ve always struggled with depression, even as a teenager. Or most especially as a teenager. I believe I’ve gotten a bit better at it by now. At recognizing I’ve gotten to that state and finding ways to get out of it. You’d think that by the time  a person reached my age they would not fall victim to this. But, it is what it it.

Stress is a real factor for me when talking depression. And being tired. Tired seems to cause a vicious circle with depression. I get tired and then depressed. Being depressed makes you tired. It’s hard to break that cycle.

At times I’ve had to take an anti-depressant. The side effects I get from those are something I would like to avoid as much as possible so I don’t stay on them all the time. And I’m a bit stubborn enough that I want to learn ways to handle it other than medication whenever possible.

The best medicine for whatever ails me is laughter. It just does it for me. And I believe that is why the stress and things of that nature are the triggers for depression with me. When I’m going through things like that, I don’t see much to laugh at in the world. It may be there, but I’m too focused on the other things to see it.

I’m depressed now to be honest. Though I feel that is somewhat understandable considering the last month or two. The breakup, financial worries, and the odd way work has been going. I can’t change the things that have been happening but I need to look for the laughter in the world.