From Primary to Secondary

I believe it is evident that I’ve been struggling for a while. It’s true that Chane and I needed a good talk and it went well.

I’ve been wondering what we each came away from that talk with. I can’t really say for Chane, but for me….I think it’s finally dawned on me that, while I would say that I’m his secondary and in my head I believed that, in my heart I wasn’t prepared to let go off being more. So, I’m trying to adjust, in my head and my heart, to going from basically another primary of his to a true secondary. This is a bit difficult for me.

I’m reading and thinking and trying to figure out what rights a secondary has. What one should settle for. Things like that.

And I’m trying to decide if I what to open up our polyfi relationship. I think that I do but bad enough to upset or hurt a couple of the others? I want to open it because what we agreed on in the beginning was basically two marriages for each of us. That is not what we have. And needs that I opened myself up to and believed would be met aren’t. I spend just as much time alone. I have to be the one to instigate any of us getting together most of the time.

I don’t want the NRE as that can seem to cause problems. Well, I’ve never had that for the most part. And frankly, even with all his changes, I just do not know how Dirk would handle any NRE at all on my part. I want to find someone that could met a few of my needs. Another secondary. Preferably with someone whose partner either doesn’t have issues or is at least willing to admit to having them and will work on them.

I’m feeling right now that I want to open things up or close them again and live monogamously.

I Miss My Blog

I haven’t been posting much lately. I just can not seem to get my thoughts settled enough to write. At least not in a constructive, healthy way.

I’ve said that I am having health issues and I still am. They’ve zapped my energy and that in itself doesn’t lead to thinking coherently.

Then there is the relationship issues I’ve been facing. I’m not prepared to speak of these things without it sounding one-sided at the least. Most of the time I try to temper things with respect for others feelings and thoughts. I just do not feel capable of that at the moment. I feel too strongly about some things.

I have to wonder if both of these things…the health problems and the relationship problems…are related. I think the one exasperates the other. I don’t deny that I feel things are at a crossroads with Chane and I, but Dirk (as well as some re-reading on the health things) has helped me see that I may not be seeing things in the “normal” perspective. Therefore, I’m trying my best not to make too many life changing decisions regarding much of anything at this time. It’s easier for me to see how the one effects the other now that some of the health issues are seeing the light of day.

I feel that eventually things will be changing in several areas of my life. What those changes end up being and how drastic they will be is still up in the air. Dirk and I have talked and both of us have things we would like to see go in a different direction. We’ve reached a point in our lives that we’ve realized we need to stop trying to live as if things are the same as they’ve always been. I mean, really, we do not even have children that live at home any more. Many things are not the same and I feel we are trying to live as if they are and things just not syncing so to speak. Are we just not letting go of that stage of our lives?

Do I have too many things going on to really be able to find my muse for writing? I miss it though. I realize more than ever what I get from this but I just am having a difficult time getting something solid going.