I’m Sick and Feeling Stressed and Sorry for Myself

I’m sick and stressing to have missed work today because I have some deadlines to take care of.

I’ll go to work tomorrow but I also have to go back to the doctor. This is the first time I’ve been sick really since I started taking blood pressure medicine and I’m ashamed to say it didn’t not even enter my head not to take anything over-the-counter for the symptoms until I could get into see the doctor. I still feel bad after my shots today but I won’t be taking any more OTC meds.

I was sick the whole time we got to spend time with Arwen and Chane. Though I’ll admit it wasn’t as bad at the beginning. I do not require, or want, a lot of special attention when I’m sick. It took Dirk years to get that and now he is good about letting me just ask if I need something. Chane doesn’t have the same nurturing personality that Dirk does and he, therefore, doesn’t hover the way Dirk used to. Once again, I’m a lucky woman it seems. Both my men took care of me this weekend in just the right way.

I just feel a little sorry for myself because I don’t feel good and I don’t want to start the new year off sick. I don’t want this to be a sign of how my year is going to progress. And, I know myself, I may not have ever thought of that if I weren’t feeling so bad. And that also tells me that I should probably end this post before I start thinking really weirdly out loud and scare any one who may be reading. LOL

My Hands Are Tied

My hands are tied. And frankly is stresses me that I can not help either of my men with this.

Both of them are struggling with their relationships with Arwen. And I have to be honest here, I have just about given up on her. She and I do not have any more contact, for the most part, than is absolutely necessary. I’ve long reach the point of being tired of her “it has to be my way” attitude. And her not caring about any one else’s feelings.

Dirk is hurting today. Arwen sent him a message that she will more than likely chose to work next weekend. His one weekend off a month. This will be the third weekend in a row that she has done something else. The first instance was when my family came for a visit and she pitched a fit. Was essentially mad that they would come on “her weekend”. They live in another state. They come when they can. And she was invited to come down as normal and to spend some time with them as well. Nope, she decided she was going to ask to work at her 2nd job that weekend without consulting any one else, not even Chane.

The second instance, last month, we understand. Their son was on leave from London and they had some things planned that he wanted to to. Fine, not a problem with either Dirk or myself. Though she did get mad at us for not being at her house at 11:00 pm when they got home Sunday nigh

Now, she is planning on working the weekend he has off this time. Not this weekend but the next. First weekend in December. Once again without consulting anyone else, including Chane again. And when Dirk showed a bit of hurt feelings, she fussed at him.

He is really debating whether his relationship is worth are the work…and, unfortunately, it is a lot of work on his part. Without much on her part. He deserves so much more.

Chane does as well. And he gets it worse than Dirk. She really shows this man no respect at all. Constantly complains (and I know most of this because I see it and she actually tells me thinking I will agree with her), constantly says the children he has helped her raise (not biologically his) are HER children and not his and his opinions do not matter, refuses to spend time with him when he asks her and then wants to know why he doesn’t do anything with her, why he “doesn’t want her” and “do you even love me any more”.

WTF does she expect from him? From either of them actually?

Ok, I can do sex for sex sake. I can fuck someone when that is all it is. And just fucking is what I do with my men sometimes. But when fucking someone one you don’t have a real relationship with, you don’t need much else. When fucking or making love to someone you are in a relationship with, a little more than “ok, let’s fuck” is required.

For me, and I had this conversation with both Chane and Dirk and even as men they agree, when I am dealing with someone I love I need the good out of bed as well as the good in bed. Now, the good in bed can make things better out of bed, true. But the good treatment out of bed is needed as well for things to be good in bed. If I were being treated like this by either Chane or Dirk, I wouldn’t be much inclined to be seeking sex with the one treating me thus. In a committed relationship it is all connected.

Arwen just does not get this. And she wants sex when she wants and and only when she wants it is seems.

I’m worried about how this is affecting both Dirk and Chane. I don’t say much to them about how I feel she is behaving because they are in enough pain as it is. And I would like to sit her down and just paint a picture of what she is doing but that isn’t a good option. And neither think it should have to be done that way. They feel what they are saying to her should be enough. And it should.

How do I deal with this? Have any of you come across something similar? What did you do?

Right now, I feel like I am just waiting to pick up the pieces.

Warning Signs

What do you do if you see danger or warning signs of failure in your boyfriend’s primary relationship?

First off, let me state plainly that Chane has problems communicating. I know this. I’ve shared this here.

Second, I’ll state that I do have a tendency to see Chane’s (and even Dirk’s) side of an issue better at times. Mostly due to the fat that Arwen treats me the same way she does them; just not as often. Due to my penchant for being protective of them, I try to refrain from becoming any more involved in conflicts between each of them and Arwen than is necessary. i can listen to them as they talk things out and support decisions they make. Anything else can lead to things just being worse than they originally were.

Third, my description of Arwen’s behavior is not strictly my own. Dirk and I talked quite a bit yesterday and he sees some things better than myself at times and vise versa. I am willing to look at Dirk’s opinion a bit more than Chane’s at the moment since he and Arwen are not in what appears to be an open conflict. Their relationship is not growing but it isn’t in out right struggle mode (though I can see that coming).

Arwen’s behavior is erratic (Dirk’s word) and that just goes along with this post I made.

What’s an example? OK, here’s one Dirk and I discussed yesterday. They were at our house the weekend of Halloween. (I’ve mention her reaction to us doing something in the post referenced above.) She was furious with Chane. Was ugly to Dirk on the phone Saturday morning before she went to work. However, she DID tell Dirk that they would be leaving from her store to come to our house because Chane was going to have their youngest son drop him off there. Which means she should have packed her clothes and anything else she wanted to bring at some point before leaving for work that morning (the night before or something).

I talked to Chane that day and he told me the same thing Arwen had told Dirk. They were leaving from the store she works at and his being taken there. He would be packed and ready to go.

They were so late in getting to our house that we became worried and called to check on them. Found them on their way so waited to they arrived to discover why they were so late.

Arwen walked in the house with an attitude. Said she didn’t know the plans and didn’t know she should have been ready to go before leaving for work. I called her on that. Said she had told Dirk at 6:00 am when he talked to her that those were the plans. For them to leave straight from the store. She refused to comment but I got a killer look.

Seems she had called Chane from work to see if he had packed for her. He hadn’t and didn’t know he was expected to. However, he was willing. When he asked if she wanted him to pack a costume and which one, she hung up on him. Well, Mr. Stubborn didn’t call her back and, truthfully, I can’t say I blame him and doubt that I would have either. So, he sent me a text at that point to tell me what was going on and that they wouldn’t be leaving until after she came home and packed (I didn’t get the text die to the lack of good reception at the house).

Arwen was mad at Chane. Extremely mad. First, she claimed he hadn’t told her the plans (he obviously had if she told them to Dirk). Second, for considering going somewhere that night because it was my idea. Third, for not packing for her. Fourth, for not making excuses for her and laying the blame at her feet (me calling her on the lie she told only made it worse).

So, she’s been very ugly to him and the next day acts like nothing has been wrong. Dirk feels that’s because Chane and I had been able to spend time together. Like I’ve said, we went to church together and hung out together until she got off work. Am I not supposed to spend time with him? Is it not supposed to be peaceful?

That night, after leaving our house, she was at him again. She told both Dirk and I about it. What gives?

I know this is long but, for a bit more background…Arwen got mad at Chane for making her lunch. She says he doesn’t listen to her. And, in her defense, that can be true. Both Chane and Dirk can tune stuff out. She told Chane on the way home from work that she would be eating lunch out the next day. One of the ladies at work was celebrating a birthday and they were all going out. He even made a comment something along the lines of that’s nice. Fast forward to the next morning. They are getting ready for work. He is making lunch—for himself and Arwen. He even asks her something about hers. Does she remind him she doesn’t need one? No, she just lets him continue to make it while she stews. She takes it to work with her. Tries to call Dirk and doesn’t get him. So, she calls me to complain. While I can agree with her that Chane doesn’t always listen well, I can’t agree with the way she is going on about this. (Not good because it makes her more angry in the long run.) To me, and it seems later Dirk told her basically the same thing, this wasn’t a case of not listening. This was a case of a non-morning person just going through his normal routine. A habit. She refused to see that when either of us mentioned that possibility. Only started getting more and more agitated. Voice was rising while she talked with me. And she was ugly and mean in what she said to Chane that night about it. What is up with that? This totally blew mine and Dirk’s mind. Well, in a way. Her behavior has been like this lately.

She seems to not be happy unless she has conflict or drama in her life these days. She seems to like doing the opposite of what someone else wants.

Example; they were shopping for a TV to replace the one lightening got. If Chane wanted a 42″ screen, she wanted a 40″. If he decided he liked a 36″, she wanted the 42″ screen. Shit like that all the time.

Dirk has come to the conclusion, due in part to some things I’m not privy to, that she has something she is hiding from everyone, including Chane. It’s possible it’s from her past. But he thinks it all about hiding that and guilt she feels. He things that is one of the reasons her behavior is so erratic.

But, my dilemma is…what to do, or not do, about some of the warning signs of their relationship? How can I help/support Chane in communicating with Arwen? Is there anything I can do? Should do? Just sit back and watch the train wreck?

Relationship Obstacles For Your Secondary

It is difficult for me when Chane and Arwen are struggling. Especially when I can agree with why he is so upset. And it is over issues that happen repeatedly. I struggle when I know she is showing Chane disrespect.

The hardest part is that I do not know how to help him.

I listen to him. To be truthful, it has to be bad before Chane will say more than a thought or two. The shape he was in today made me just want to go get him and bring him home and spoil him a little.

I know that I can not talk with Arwen. She doesn’t take things like that well, especially from me. She likes to complain to Dirk that things are all Chane’s fault. Now, I know that there are two sides to every story. But, the only things he has mentioned to me, are things that both Dirk and I have seen personally. And some of the things are things she does to the two of us as well. And as I write this, I feel I have posted on this before.

I would love to keep these things from happening to either of my men.

I do know that I am not perfect. I can be a bitch. I’m human. But I do try to let both the men I love know that I respect them, that things they want to do I am willing to do with them, that I enjoy time spent with them and that they are important to me. I want to let them know that they do not have to do things for me. That they do not have to do things that are only important to me. When they do things I want to do, I let them know I appreciate it and doing that with them made whatever it was more important to me. When they ask if there is something I want to do, I tell them if I have a preference and tell them it doesn’t matter if I don’t. I try to make what I say mean what I mean.

I don’t set out to hurt their feelings intentionally. I definitely would hate to find that I have been disrespectful to them. If I had three children from a previous marriage and I found a man to love me and them as if they were his own I’d cherish that. I would not throw in the man’s face that these are MY children. That he has nothing to do with them. This is the man the children love and think of as their own dad. She says this when he doesn’t agree with her on how something regarding them should be handled. Or at times, just when she is out to hurt him.

That makes me mad but I’ve learned not to let them come out. It just makes things worse. And there really isn’t anything I can do to make things better.

Why Does She Try To Make Everything About Her?

I honestly do not understand how Arwen can come up with the conclusions she does. I do not understand why she has to try and make everything about her.

I know she does this and I went the extra step today to try and avoid that this time. It isn’t just with me. It is with all three of us…and at times everyone in general.

I have a couple of commitments this month and they are for times we normally all spend together or would like to. I thought I had communicated with all of them personally what they were and that I wouldn’t be able to do the normal things. And I have them on our shared google calendar…which is becoming pretty obvious that no one pays attention to. When it became clear that one or more of them had forgotten what I told them or maybe I hadn’t gotten to them in the telling, I sent texts to each one of the at the same time explaining what my commitments where, when they were and that my commitments shouldn’t interfere with the three of them going ahead with any plans in the works. I was trying to be nice and reassuring. However, since I know the tendency that Arwen has, I stated plainly that it was so they would not feel obligated to forgo anything because of me and that I wasn’t being mean or anything. I went out of my way to insure I wasn’t misunderstood.

But what the hell do you think happened? Arwen took it wrong. I was mainly making sure the two guys didn’t back out of something she was looking forward to because we all couldn’t go. But she decided I was what? Finding a way out of doing something she wanted to do? What? She would only snap at Dirk when he called her and refused to tell him why. Something he finds very frustrating and more than irritating. If she has a problem with something he wants her to tell him what it is. Not just allude to it or be pissy about it. She does the same with all of us. I am not the only one tired of her attitude. I am just the last one to get that way.

Truth, is…Arwen is the one that limits our time all together more so than even Dirk’s shift work. We have learned to schedule around that. Arwen choses to get 2nd jobs no matter that both men have asked her not to. And her hours for the 2nd jobs never coincide with the hours Dirk has off with his primary job. We used to get to see each other on the weekends even if Dirk was working. They could come down here and stay and spend time with him once he got off. She works three weekends a month. Only trying to schedule the one weekend a month off that is the only one Dirk has completely off. This severely limits quad time and even dyad time for the secondary relationships. Chane will not come stay at our home on a weekend she can not come. I understand why he does that. I get a bit frustrated because he has asked her, as has Dirk, not to take these jobs. It is difficult enough for us all to see each other.

Knowing that we have problems fitting time in, I did not want to ruin any time that the three of them could spend together that I couldn’t. But she obviously can not see that. She assumes something directed at her all the time. That any ones behavior is directly related to her. And never in a good way. We are all out to get her. We all can never let her be right. Same shit just a different day.

I’m so very tired of it all. It makes me just want to throw my hands up in the air and give up on the whole relationship. Which isn’t fair to the rest of us.

We had plans to eat out with them Friday night and while talking with her today, she told me where she would like to go. It is not a favorite place of mine and Dirk’s at all but I’m sure we can find something on the menu we can eat. Going somewhere she suggests was more important to her than me really liking the place. She thinks we don’t ever want to do something she suggests. Not true but related to her whole attitude about things. I told Dirk she wanted to go there and to not tell her no. It was important and we could more than tolerate the place. He was trying to talk to her about it when she snapped and said she didn’t know if we were all still going to meet. That Dirk would have to ask Chane and I. WTF? It was never mentioned not going. The two dates I was talking about were the 10th and the 31st of October. She just got her panties in a wad and was trying to stir up trouble. I don’t know if she has totally pissed Dirk off enough that he’ll refuse to go now or not But, I have shared with all of them that I probably will not go. I have had a rough week and it will not be getting better. It is fiscal year end at work, something I have explained many times to all three of them in the past few weeks. I just don’t have it in me to smooth Arwen’s feelings. Especially over something that she has chosen to make a big deal out of and is clear I didn’t mean anything bad by.

I will not try to mollify her as I have in the past over something that is clearly not my fault. And Dirk got extremely put out with me this evening when he thought I was doing that. He says I let her influence and control my behavior way to much. And he is right. I don’t as much as I used to everyone will admit. I am not the doormat that I was. I am more true to my personalilty these days. And it makes me not even want to be the giving person that I was trying to be when I sent the messages. Why should a person make the effort to be nice and giving when it is only going to be taken and twisted to suit another’s personality flaws?

Ok., I guess that is enough of a rant.