Meeting Again

Not long after the one year anniversary of our breakup, Chane and I started texting again. That was strange in a couple of ways. One being I did finally get to the point of believing that was just not going to happen. The second was strange in that it mostly didn’t feel odd talking with him at all. (I believe I’ve mentioned on here that being one of the things I had been missing the most.)

Dirk and Chane have not been texting. I don’t know why. I do know that Dirk rarely texts. Even with me. And I generally initiate it.

During our talks, it came out that each couple had plans to go to the same establishment for St, Patrick’s Day. I don’t know about Chane, but for me that brought up s few questions. Would we all actually keep those plans or would one of us make new ones? If we all did keep the plans, would we see each other? By chance? By intention? How would it go? Awkward? What?

We did all keep the plans, we did see each other by intention and we did hang out together for the evening. It turned out just fine and I would repeat the experience. In particular, seeing Dirk and Chane together was uplifting for me.

I Find Some Things In Life Extremely Sad

As sad as it may be, I think I’m coming to the conclusion that I am never going to have even a friendship with Chane. I’ve put myself out there for that a couple of times now and not received any feedback. Positive or negative. Well, I’m taking no feedback at all as negative.

In some ways, it just proves things he said to me in the past about having the ability to cut someone out of his life. In others, it just saddens me that I thought we had something beyond that.

I’m a big girl though. And I am not going to give him continuous chances to ignore me. He has obviously moved on and I am being too fucking weird about this.

This is part of the reason that I am slow to let others in. Once you get there I am slow to let you leave as well. It’s been almost 7 months since the breakup. That’s is slow enough and I need to remind myself of that.

Now, where is my next journey?

Polyfidelity

What does it mean when you have more than one partner and you are asked to be exclusive to them alone?

This has come up for me in a conversation with a friend recently and it got me to thinking. But I’ll use my own situation for the example.

Our relationship with Chane and Arwen was exclusive.

Does that imply anything to you? It did to me. Particularly with things that were said to me. It does to my friend as well.

It implied more than a secondary relationship to me. When we exchanged rings and a little later when we all sat down and agreed we were going to treat this relationship as we would a marriage.

Where and when did that change? Because I was a secondary to Chane. I’m not blaming one person here for this. When the newness wore off what happened? When everyone wasn’t happy, what happened?

For me, I’m wondering if I made the mistake of not realizing that the quad was more important to most than the dyads. The rings I exchanged weren’t to marry a group. I was married to Dirk and I was making a commitment to Chane. The fact that all the rings were the same was significant to me in that I was doing the best I could under the living circumstances to be in an equally committed relationship to both men and that I had made a commitment to support the whole group in whatever way I could.

It could be that more than secondaries was also the intention at the time for everyone. I’m no longer sure if I ever was looking back. But, the long distances and the work schedules and so many other things came into play. Why weren’t these addressed the way they should have been?

Why, when it became obvious to all that this was just secondary relationships, didn’t we end the exclusivity?

I knew that the secondary aspect of things was a real sticking point for me with Chane. I’ve written about it here. I’ve talked with him about it. I’ve talked with Dirk about it. I did not talk much with Arwen about it. I knew I struggled with this. And I know that I couldn’t get it.

I’m realizing that the request for exclusivity implied more to me than I was aware of at the time.

I’m realizing that this isn’t really just a breakup from a boyfriend that I’ve been healing from. For, in my eyes, he was much more than that.

I’m not sure I’d go down the polyfidelity road again.  To me it automatically puts a relationship in a certain category. I just think I may lay cards on the table about what I have to offer at the time and if it changes down the line we can readdress things.

Does polyfidelity imply anything  to you? Why or why not?

Loss of Anonymity

I was reading some blogs I subscribe to this morning. One pouring her heart and soul out about a lost marriage, one lamenting that the work being done on her marriage at times takes two steps back to every one step forward and one feeling the loss of her “mask” her username affords because she has developed friendships with those who read her blog and it makes her question what she will post because her fear of what others think of her in the real world has now moved over into what others think of her in her safe world. ( All these descriptions are my impressions and not actually stated by the authors of said blogs.)

I’ve been where all of them are. And I visit each place again from time to time.

I’ve poured my heart and soul out here, wondered why things I thought were fixed kept cropping up, and now I have been facing, once again, my worlds merging.

For years I’ve used a traditional journal/diary. It wasn’t until I read a blog regarding poly (one of the three I was reading this morning) that I considered making any of my thoughts public in any form. This blog was such a help to me. I wanted my blog to be “our” blog. I wanted all four of us to contribute to it. That may have been forgotten by some. But you’ll find it to be true and recorded here at the time. When I couldn’t get any of the others to participate,  I did change the about page at some point to say it was my feelings and the tag line to state the same.

I did offer at some point for the others to read my blog. That didn’t even happen for quite a while. When it did, it only caused problems in our relationships. I went to the trouble of renaming the blog and changing all the names I used for people in the original one. Not rehashing this now since it is recorded here as well. I just wanted a background.

At some point in all of this,  this became MY blog. My baby. My feelings. My form of expression. It was my place. It was where I made myself vulnerable and I rarely needed to take out my private journal any longer. I felt safe here.Turned out it wasn’t a safe place for me.

After the breakup I was going to reclaim my blog for me. I stated as much. That I would write what I wanted, about whom I wanted and no one was going to dictate to me what I write. That hasn’t been totally true.

There are people in my real world that read this blog. Most of the time I never even think of that when I am posting. I really don’t.

But I haven’t been pouring my heart and soul out lately either. I’m finding a few things difficult. Mostly because, even though I’m doing fairly well with the breakup these days, how do you make yourself vulnerable to those who hurt you in the past?

I suspect, because I know them, that at least Arwen is still reading this blog. Maybe not all the time but some of it. How do I talk about things that lets this woman see into me?

And why do I have a problem with this I ask myself. Well, not matter how good I find I am doing, I also find that I am still resentful. I’m entitled to my opinions and feelings, no matter if others can see why I would feel that way or not. I lost so much and I’m  resentful that I had to. I had to deal with something yesterday that made me realize that I still struggle with the resentment. I was upset with myself but then also realized that the breakup hasn’t even been six months ago. The relationship I had was four years long. So, it’s understandable, I guess, that I am still going through the process of dealing with all the feelings involved.

And after reading those blogs this morning, I decided, it’s my freaking blog. I will state what I want no matter who is reading. True friends will still hang around even if I have shown my human nature.

Staying Friends With An Ex

Why is the concept of staying friends with an ex such a hard one to grasp for many people? Maybe the majority of people? What am I missing when I believe that it is possible?

I’ve lost touch with exes but once the healing point is past I’ve never thought I wasn’t willing to be friends of some kind. Why would I? I obviously saw something in this person that appealed to me. How would that completely go away just because we were no longer romantically involved?

Granted, this was all in my teenage years until recently. But I feel that way even now.

In high school my very best friend was an ex boyfriend. What would I have missed out on if we hadn’t been willing to get past that and find what we were truly meant to be to each other?

I’m at the stage now where I could be friends with Chane. I would actually like that. I know that we aren’t going to be best friends with the situation as it is. But what’s wrong with occasionally talking? What’s wrong wtih letting him know if I come across something I think he may like to know, would enjoy seeing or hearing? I personally don’t find a problem with that.

Such was the case either yesterday or Monday. I sent a text to Chane sharing what I had found with him. Not a big deal to me personally. But I found myself wondering how he would take it and how Arwen would take it and I questioned whether I should have sent it. Now that I find sad and disappointing.  Questioning myself on making contact with a person I was in a relationship with for four years.

And it got me to thinking about how others feel about this. Do you normally cease all contact when you split with someone? Or do you strive to stay friends? Do you think it is different depending on whether you are poly or mono?

Revisiting The End Addressed to Chane

For a weird reason (not important to this), I came across the text from Chane that was the last communication we had before I ended things with him.It just confirmed our basic lack of communication.

You say you found things out on my blog that you didn’t feel I had told you. I say that I tried to have these conversations with you face to face. It was just like pulling teeth to me to get you to actually say something. I wanted so much to have a relationship with you that communication wasn’t so difficult. I need that.

At times it was a issue (with all four of us I feel at times) that we didn’t change communication styles according to which lover we were dealing with. It’s easier to stick with what you are used to doing. Like Chane was used to communicating wtih Arwen the most since he lived with her. She and and I have vastly different styles. I would rather have it faced head on….not swept under a rug. It even got to where Dirk would try to communicate with me like he and Chane needed to with Arwen. It just isn’t how I function. And, frankly, I deserve to be treated as an individual. I felt you should talk with me as freely as Dirk will. That isn’t you and I tried to meet you half  way on that.

You’ve accused me of blaming everything on Arwen. I don’t deny that I hold her accountable for many things. If for no other reason than she was unwilling to deal with things. I’m not perfect. I know this. But I don’t hide from things for the most part.

What hurts me about thinking of all this again (and I need to at times to make sure I don’t just remember the good things), is that, if everyone is honest with theirselves I’ve been told that I tried so hard with her. Both Chane and Dirk have told me that I did. In the end,you said things to me that made it sound like either, you had never thought those things and only said them to me (why the hell you would do that is beyond me) or now you no longer do.

There are so many times that I never felt I got the whole story from you. Times I felt you only offered up just enough to keep me around. Now, I ask myself, why would you do that? I never knew what I actually offered you. What you  got from a relationship with me. The best I got along those lines was once you told me that I offered you a different perspective on issues. What? I make you think? That’s it?

Back to fussing at me about what I blog about. Why read it and sit there and stew about it? Just talk to me about what you read instead of reading it and holding it in. Isn’t that what I wanted you to do to start with? But reading it and not addressing things was dishonest. You saw into me without affording me the same right to see into you. Wrong Chane. Just wrong. For both you and Arwen to do that.

I never responded much to that last long text you sent. Just told you I was walking out the door. I knew where it was and I could walk through it. But, Dirk and I are not to blame for everything either. Most specifically me. I’m the one both you and Arwen have accused. Yet, you both know that I’m willing to sit down and discuss things. I may not agree with you but I do have the willingness to at least try to see another’s POV. No matter what you said about that last talk we mediated. I made Dirk see Arwen’s side just as much as I tried to make her see his side.

You need to face up to some things on your end if you are to ever have another outside relationship.

I know that I love(d) you. I know that I tried to make it work with you. I know I’ve done my best.

Doesn’t Want to Share? Or Doesn’t Want to Share with Me?

For the most part, I had a good relationship with Chane. His main fault with me was that I felt Arwen caused the majority of our problems. She controlled our relationship more than I felt was right. Then again, he let her. And I did too to start with. Live and learn.

She’s said since the end of the breakup that she is thankful to have her husband all to herself again. That this was never her idea. Maybe not. But she is actually the one to form a “relationship” with Dirk that didn’t involve just swinging before Chane and I ever did. She may not have known about the word poly….none of us did. But, what wasn’t her idea? Having a relationship with Dirk? Then why did she pursue that? Chane and I having a relationship? Well, double standards did abound in this quad for quiet a while in favor of Dirk and Arwen.Did she have a problem with Chane having another relationship at all? Or was it just him having one with me?

I ask because, though she says she wants him all to herself, they are now paying on a site to meet others that they formerly were only free members of. She is bi, or at least when she decides to be. Are they only looking for other females?

It shouldn’t matter and in the long run, it doesn’t. But, here’s where I have issues. Chane and I loved each other. I still love him. I know she has issues but, I can not imagine asking, even indirectly by my behavior, for Dirk to end a relationship with someone he loved. Period. Much less ask him to end that and then ask him to pursue others with me after having him break things off. (Though I’m sure it would be pointed out to me that I actually did the breaking up. But I didn’t really have a choice. Long, long story.)

Now, to be fair, I don’t know the whole story to what they are doing. It just hurts a bit when I see this online. At no time did I say we should all be exclusive. That was out of my control.  Can’t say that I would have seen anyone else but it was never a requirement of mine that it was forbidden. That came from Arwen to start with.

I miss Chane. I love him and it APPEARS that sharing him wasn’t really the deal, no matter what Arwen has said. It was sharing him with me.

I can’t even say that I’m any where near ready to look for someone else. Not even ready to consider swinging again. And it’s a bit disconcerting to know that they are. For Chane has had to agree to this I imagine. Of course, I suppose there is the possibility that Arwen is the only one looking. The profile is for a couple though.

It’s amazing the things about this that can still hurt. Though I’ll be the first to admit, they have the right to do as they please.

Just wondering today (and after watching something on TV last night that followed some of the same thoughts), what is it about me personally that wasn’t worth Chane fighting for and what it was about me that Arwen found so hard to take.

Not, putting myself down here. I know I am worthy. I know I deserve to be treated with integrity. I just wonder why I wasn’t. And I selfishly wonder why I have do without someone I love.

Oh well, I’ll be better tomorrow.

No Need to Blame Polyamory

I was reading a post from a blog I subscribe to…Practicing Polyamory and it hit me some with regards to our breakup.

It’s common knowledge on this blog that we “fell into polyamory” and it wasn’t something we sought out. However, it is something we all four decided to try. A commitment was stated by each of us, around the time we got matching bands, that we were in this for the long haul. To me that’s choosing, individually, to live polyamorously. If any of us didn’t intend to do that, if any of us felt that this wasn’t their idea and wasn’t interested in living this way, it should have been stated.

Polyamory shouldn’t be blamed for any part of this breakup. I agree with the post I was reading. It isn’t poly but the relationships.

It would be easy to say, I wish we hadn’t started poly and then their wouldn’t have been problems. It’s even easy to blame poly for the problems a monogamous relationship had before trying poly. I mean, the problems in the relationship have been there since before poly but much easier to ignore while living mono.

For example, if you don’t communicate well while monogamous and you start poly relationships, it isn’t going to suddenly get better. In fact, it will be spotlighted. If you choose not to work at communicating better, you can’t blame the poly lifestyle. You’ve always had the problem in the relationship. It’s the relationship.

What was wrong before, will still be wrong if you don’t work on it.

I certainly don’t blame poly for anything. I chose to learn and grow to live this way. If I didn’t want to do that, it was my right and my  responsibility to say I wasn’t interested in this.

It’s the same for the others. No one forced any of us to do this. The results and consequences are a direct result of individual choices and actions.

If the original relationships before the quad are suffering in any way now, it isn’t the poly that is doing that. It’s that the relationship already had problems that weren’t addressed and still haven’t been addressed or that the relationship wasn’t maintained as it was before the quad.

Chane and I are over, not because we were in poly relationships. But because of issues we couldn’t come to terms with for our individual relationship. Boundaries that weren’t respected. Even though that may be due to influences from other relationships, I still don’t believe poly is to blame. Each individual has the ability to chose what they are willing to give to a relationship. And each individual has the right to state what they need from a relationship. If those things don’t match in some significant way, then the relationship isn’t going to work. In monogamous ones or polyamourous ones.

Closure

Closure has been a bit difficult for me to get started on. Once things settled down and the reality of a breakup actually hit me, I’ve had to try and figure out how to live without someone I love.

For reasons I will not go into, I still believe this is the best route to take. I just wish I had handled it a bit better maybe. I’m not sure what has been my sticking point with how it ended. Maybe not a good face to face talk.

But, I’m realizing that I don’t remember how to deal with a breakup. I haven’t had to since I was a teenager. That’s a long ass time.

I’ve finally reached the point that I am dealing with this. I just have to remind myself of the reasons it happened. The things that lead up to this. The biggest reason I keep written down so I can see it if/when things become difficult for me. That seems to be working.

Speak Up

I’m using some things to illustrate what I feel should happen in relationships. Poly or otherwise.

Speak up when you should and especially when you are asked to.

I don’t know why Arwen wanted Chane there for the talk she and Dirk were having. I know now why he said he wanted me there once Chane was going to sit in. He was feeling ganged up on.

That weekend, Chane said he felt any talking I did went fine. During the accusations, he said that he felt both Dirk and I were telling Arwen she was wrong and wouldn’t see her point. I feel he should have said something at the time.

The truth of the matter is that neither Chane or I should have been there. We are too close to the situation. If Dirk and Arwen needed help they should have gotten outside help.

This is hindsight for me. At the time, I didn’t want to do this, I think that all involved knew that. But once committed I was determined to help as best I could. I feel Chane needed to help more. I even asked him for help a few times.

After it was all over, I was outside on the porch and Arwen came out. I asked her if she had felt I not been impartial (do not remember the exact wording) but she claimed I had. If she didn’t think so, I had given her the perfect opportunity to tell me so.

In fact, if she thought I wasn’t being fair during the talk, she should have said so. The same goes for Chane.

I feel good communication is NOT holding things back and then throwing them around in accusations later.