I was reading some blogs I subscribe to this morning. One pouring her heart and soul out about a lost marriage, one lamenting that the work being done on her marriage at times takes two steps back to every one step forward and one feeling the loss of her “mask” her username affords because she has developed friendships with those who read her blog and it makes her question what she will post because her fear of what others think of her in the real world has now moved over into what others think of her in her safe world. ( All these descriptions are my impressions and not actually stated by the authors of said blogs.)
I’ve been where all of them are. And I visit each place again from time to time.
I’ve poured my heart and soul out here, wondered why things I thought were fixed kept cropping up, and now I have been facing, once again, my worlds merging.
For years I’ve used a traditional journal/diary. It wasn’t until I read a blog regarding poly (one of the three I was reading this morning) that I considered making any of my thoughts public in any form. This blog was such a help to me. I wanted my blog to be “our” blog. I wanted all four of us to contribute to it. That may have been forgotten by some. But you’ll find it to be true and recorded here at the time. When I couldn’t get any of the others to participate, I did change the about page at some point to say it was my feelings and the tag line to state the same.
I did offer at some point for the others to read my blog. That didn’t even happen for quite a while. When it did, it only caused problems in our relationships. I went to the trouble of renaming the blog and changing all the names I used for people in the original one. Not rehashing this now since it is recorded here as well. I just wanted a background.
At some point in all of this, this became MY blog. My baby. My feelings. My form of expression. It was my place. It was where I made myself vulnerable and I rarely needed to take out my private journal any longer. I felt safe here.Turned out it wasn’t a safe place for me.
After the breakup I was going to reclaim my blog for me. I stated as much. That I would write what I wanted, about whom I wanted and no one was going to dictate to me what I write. That hasn’t been totally true.
There are people in my real world that read this blog. Most of the time I never even think of that when I am posting. I really don’t.
But I haven’t been pouring my heart and soul out lately either. I’m finding a few things difficult. Mostly because, even though I’m doing fairly well with the breakup these days, how do you make yourself vulnerable to those who hurt you in the past?
I suspect, because I know them, that at least Arwen is still reading this blog. Maybe not all the time but some of it. How do I talk about things that lets this woman see into me?
And why do I have a problem with this I ask myself. Well, not matter how good I find I am doing, I also find that I am still resentful. I’m entitled to my opinions and feelings, no matter if others can see why I would feel that way or not. I lost so much and I’m resentful that I had to. I had to deal with something yesterday that made me realize that I still struggle with the resentment. I was upset with myself but then also realized that the breakup hasn’t even been six months ago. The relationship I had was four years long. So, it’s understandable, I guess, that I am still going through the process of dealing with all the feelings involved.
And after reading those blogs this morning, I decided, it’s my freaking blog. I will state what I want no matter who is reading. True friends will still hang around even if I have shown my human nature.