Life Throws Kinks Into Plans

I was chatting a bit with Chane yesterday and the subject of plans and how life seems to throw you something you didn’t have included in those plans came up.

That’s so very true.

It’s the reason he is in my life at all I was thinking and stated as much. He’s been a part of my life for years now and it wasn’t part of my plans. He isn’t in there in the capacity I envisioned at this point but I do count it a success that we have been able to get back in touch.

Most of you know, I never expected to live a poly life. And at this point, I didn’t expect to be in only one relationship. Even after the romantic relationship with Chane ended, I figured I’d eventually find another. I’m not in one.

Why? Well, it’s so many things. Some small, some not. The two biggest are getting two children through college. Financially, it’s hard to go on a date out with Dirk even. And it’s time as well. Time is a big one. Starting my business and keeping it going has left me with basically no spare time. I’ve even gotten into the habit of not ensuring I spend quality time with Dirk. He’s been understanding but my lack in that area has begun to play on my mind and my conscience lately. I have some custom orders for big project that have close deadlines and I do need to get those done. Afterwards, I want to make sure I set aside time each week with him. And to not feel guilty about not working the business.

Will I eventually find time or the energy for an outside relationship? I couldn’t say. I sometimes miss having one. I don’t feel I am intentionally living monogamously. Circumstances are just not allowing me much else at the time. I’m lucky still though. Dirk and I are good for each other.

Meeting Again

Not long after the one year anniversary of our breakup, Chane and I started texting again. That was strange in a couple of ways. One being I did finally get to the point of believing that was just not going to happen. The second was strange in that it mostly didn’t feel odd talking with him at all. (I believe I’ve mentioned on here that being one of the things I had been missing the most.)

Dirk and Chane have not been texting. I don’t know why. I do know that Dirk rarely texts. Even with me. And I generally initiate it.

During our talks, it came out that each couple had plans to go to the same establishment for St, Patrick’s Day. I don’t know about Chane, but for me that brought up s few questions. Would we all actually keep those plans or would one of us make new ones? If we all did keep the plans, would we see each other? By chance? By intention? How would it go? Awkward? What?

We did all keep the plans, we did see each other by intention and we did hang out together for the evening. It turned out just fine and I would repeat the experience. In particular, seeing Dirk and Chane together was uplifting for me.

Thought Question #696

10 years ago? I have to really think about this. Long term memory is not my strong suit and, even though this isn’t a huge expanse of time, I have so much going on in my head right now that sorting this all out made me really have to think.

First, we weren’t non-monogamous in any way. Not too many years from it and the fantasies of group sex were there in our lives just not a realization yet. Polyamory wasn’t even a thought or an awareness of its existence. Pretty vanilla in most ways.

We were still rather active in organized religion though the organized part had begun to pale for us. But we were a mainstream, mostly normal couple at this time.

Still 2 years away from being grandparents at an early age. Started the hormonal thing with the boys pretty heavy with the oldest son.

Very busy with extra curricular activities for them. On the go constantly.

No health issues due to age. Eyesight was still about the same as my young years (nearsighted). We took that for granted. The being in fairly good health and able to get up and go with out making bone cracking noises. 🙂

It was a good time for our marriage. We had gotten past the general problems of the earlier years. We were starting on the ones that all the work had made possible. Though we communicated rather well, it wasn’t what we would later be able to do. (Even now, I find that we don’t discuss things as much as we were while in multiple relationships. When something isn’t absolutely necessary you let it slide.)

We were on the cusp is seems of some life changing decisions. Little did we know.

Nice Lazy Days

Dirk and I have been on vacation. Nice lazy days at the river.

I’ve needed this but wasn’t aware of it until I was there. I would have loved for us both to have had a whole week off but I’m thankful for the long weekend we had.

Just he and I. The woods and a bit of hunting for him. Crocheting for me but on things I was wanting to try and not orders I have. (Bad of me I know but as he said, you are on vacation.) Watching old TV shows that it’s been years since we’ve seen. Eating nothing fancy or special at all. Sleeping. The days just flew by.

A little of a crisis in one child’s life we helped deal with but not too much.

I’m off three days this weekend and was wondering about the possibility of staying longer but the logistics of work may not make that feasible at this time.

It’s been a while since I’ve wished I had a solid week off from work. It’s just not often a possibility and I accept that.

I’m in a good place this morning though. 🙂

 

Dread for the Dating Scene

Been thinking about Dirk and I and poly and dating. Then this weekend I chatted with a friend.

All three of us have gone through a breakup of some kind. Whether with a live in partner or not. All three of us are reluctant it seems to enter the dating world again. We all three do have a current partner. And I imagine that each of us are getting our needs met by said current partner at different levels. Dirk and I more so than my friend.

Does being reluctant or “not ready” to date others get to be more so as time goes by? The longer you wait does it get harder to enter that arena again? After all, we are lucky to have a current partner. We aren’t totally alone.

Is getting some to most of our needs met by this partner something we could be settling for so we don’t have to take a risk?

Do we put too much pressure on the relationship we do have by not taking the chance and going  for the unwanted “dating scene”?

This has got me to thinking that, for me personally, I’m not unhappy with being accidentally monogamous at the time. Dirk and I have more years of that under our belt than poly.

To start with I was unhappy after the breakup. Though I was heartbroken, I looked to a future when I would have another relationship. I had learned what were deal breakers for me and I knew that I could take something away from this experience once I could get past the hurt.

Getting past the hurt was harder than I had anticipated I believe. There are several reasons for that. But now, well, have I just gotten used to living monogamously? I don’t know really. Dirk and I still talk about those we find attractive while out. Of course, we’ve never denied we found others attractive to start with. But we are still very open about that.

I do feel it is just easier to live this way at times. But easier does not equal better. It could mean I’m just lazy. For me, I find it hard to put the time into finding someone else, when I can spend time with the person I already have in my life. I don’t want to become too dependent on him being there though. I’m just happy with him.

I believe that if I were like my friend, in a relationship that is clearly not all I need it to be, I may would make more of an effort to get out there. Yet, it’s difficult isn’t it? Trying to balance the time and effort needed to improve a current relationship with the time and effort needed to find a new one. Eventually the two should work for you but, a new relationship does require time and attention to get going. It’s not a easy thing to balance the two in this situation.

For me personally, I was worried that I was just giving up and taking the easy way when it comes to having another relationship. As I have been writing this, I’ve decided that I may just be enjoying my life as it comes along. In no rush to get to a certain place, taking the scenic route for the most part but not avoiding the heavy congested areas either. This is a pleasant drive and who knows what I may find while taking it?

Not Myself Lately?

I’ve may have mentioned that I’ve been “down in my back” lately. It’s been going on a month now I would wager in varying degrees of pain. This has caused numerous other problems within my body. And frankly, I’m just plain tired of all that.

And I’ve had stress at work to say the least.

So, I’ve been told I have not been myself. I can even agree with that to some extent. But I’m still fundamentally me.

I may not be as diplomatic as I normally try to be. I may not have quite the patience I have at other times.

But I don’t think that I am so much off me. Lord, my children would have said something if that were the case. 🙂

Maybe I am demanding. I’ve stated as such here before. I can be high maintenance in the emotions department.

Do you know something? I’ve stated that I may live monogamously. Why? Because I’m stressing over a relationship that I was worried about starting in the first place? Because I thought about something someone said even when I felt my “rule?” or whatever was correct for me? I don’t know. Because it is just fucking easier? I don’t know.

So, now, I’m having to back off some from a friend. And I truly wonder at times if that friendship will ever be as open and free again.

Now that is sad and frankly irritating.

 

Happy Anniversary Dirk!!!

Today is the 27th anniversary of our marriage. Now that’s worth celebrating!

Such Different Behaviour For Us

Dirk and I didn’t exactly go wild at the party this weekend. We didn’t have sex all over the place or anything. 😉

What we did was very different from what we were doing four years ago and even during the early and middle parts of our poly relationship.

We were free.

And it was great to find out that after all this time talking and growing it wasn’t just words we spouted. It was real.

We trusted each other enough to live up to where we said we were at.

And I don’t care if I seem to be portraying us as a perfect couple again. We are what we are. And we are good together. And apart now.

We Know Where We Are At

Dirk and I have been talking about what we want lately. And we have chosen to do it all I guess. Swing, FWB, poly. We’ve decided that it could all work for us on some level. We’ve decided that we are going to pursue this and we’ll work on it as things progress.

We attended a party this weekend and it was great for Dirk and I on several levels. Just socializing that much was awesome for us. We haven’t had many chances for meeting people at all lately with all that has been going on in our life as a whole this past year. So, seeing some old friends and meeting some people that will be new friends was great.

Being around so many people that are accepting of us was nice as well. This group, whether vanilla or not, was still so cool.

And apparently, I flirt. I don’t think I do that well. But it seems that some things that I consider “just being me” others see as flirting. Dirk and Eve explained that to me some. I’ll have to think on that some more. And it isn’t things I feel I can change because they are just who I am. Hmmmm…. The thing is, I’ve been compared unfavorably in recent years to others in this category. That’s the past I know but must have left more of an impression on me still than I was aware of.

I’m so very happy that Dirk had such a marvelous time. I had one as well but I get a certain kick when Dirk does. It could be partly because his time for such things is so very limited.

Thank you Jack for the party.

Mourning

My cousin passed away Saturday morning.

She was a special person to me.

I didn’t know she had cancer.

I forged a relationship with her early in my life. We used to write letters back and forth. No internet then. Later in years we didn’t stay so closely in contact but when we did talk it was still freely and like time hadn’t passed. I don’t blame her at all for not letting me know personally that she had cancer. She was in the middle of a battle. She would have thought my mom would tell me. And mom says she thought she did. It’s just unfortunate that I didn’t know.

I was told rather quickly that she had died. Apparently her husband specifically asked mom to let me know by name. (I find it great that he was aware of how close we were.)

What I been struggling with since Saturday morning is not being there for her. Not knowing I only had a few short months to let her know plainly in words what she meant to me. We always put those things off if we don’t have a reason to do differently.

I struggle with now knowing she had a difficult battle and I didn’t check in on her or offer her encouragement.

I just struggle with the fact that she is gone.