Dread for the Dating Scene

Been thinking about Dirk and I and poly and dating. Then this weekend I chatted with a friend.

All three of us have gone through a breakup of some kind. Whether with a live in partner or not. All three of us are reluctant it seems to enter the dating world again. We all three do have a current partner. And I imagine that each of us are getting our needs met by said current partner at different levels. Dirk and I more so than my friend.

Does being reluctant or “not ready” to date others get to be more so as time goes by? The longer you wait does it get harder to enter that arena again? After all, we are lucky to have a current partner. We aren’t totally alone.

Is getting some to most of our needs met by this partner something we could be settling for so we don’t have to take a risk?

Do we put too much pressure on the relationship we do have by not taking the chance and going  for the unwanted “dating scene”?

This has got me to thinking that, for me personally, I’m not unhappy with being accidentally monogamous at the time. Dirk and I have more years of that under our belt than poly.

To start with I was unhappy after the breakup. Though I was heartbroken, I looked to a future when I would have another relationship. I had learned what were deal breakers for me and I knew that I could take something away from this experience once I could get past the hurt.

Getting past the hurt was harder than I had anticipated I believe. There are several reasons for that. But now, well, have I just gotten used to living monogamously? I don’t know really. Dirk and I still talk about those we find attractive while out. Of course, we’ve never denied we found others attractive to start with. But we are still very open about that.

I do feel it is just easier to live this way at times. But easier does not equal better. It could mean I’m just lazy. For me, I find it hard to put the time into finding someone else, when I can spend time with the person I already have in my life. I don’t want to become too dependent on him being there though. I’m just happy with him.

I believe that if I were like my friend, in a relationship that is clearly not all I need it to be, I may would make more of an effort to get out there. Yet, it’s difficult isn’t it? Trying to balance the time and effort needed to improve a current relationship with the time and effort needed to find a new one. Eventually the two should work for you but, a new relationship does require time and attention to get going. It’s not a easy thing to balance the two in this situation.

For me personally, I was worried that I was just giving up and taking the easy way when it comes to having another relationship. As I have been writing this, I’ve decided that I may just be enjoying my life as it comes along. In no rush to get to a certain place, taking the scenic route for the most part but not avoiding the heavy congested areas either. This is a pleasant drive and who knows what I may find while taking it?

Not Myself Lately?

I’ve may have mentioned that I’ve been “down in my back” lately. It’s been going on a month now I would wager in varying degrees of pain. This has caused numerous other problems within my body. And frankly, I’m just plain tired of all that.

And I’ve had stress at work to say the least.

So, I’ve been told I have not been myself. I can even agree with that to some extent. But I’m still fundamentally me.

I may not be as diplomatic as I normally try to be. I may not have quite the patience I have at other times.

But I don’t think that I am so much off me. Lord, my children would have said something if that were the case. 🙂

Maybe I am demanding. I’ve stated as such here before. I can be high maintenance in the emotions department.

Do you know something? I’ve stated that I may live monogamously. Why? Because I’m stressing over a relationship that I was worried about starting in the first place? Because I thought about something someone said even when I felt my “rule?” or whatever was correct for me? I don’t know. Because it is just fucking easier? I don’t know.

So, now, I’m having to back off some from a friend. And I truly wonder at times if that friendship will ever be as open and free again.

Now that is sad and frankly irritating.

 

Happy Anniversary Dirk!!!

Today is the 27th anniversary of our marriage. Now that’s worth celebrating!

Expectations

Yesterday, in telling Jack how my Mother’s Day went, he felt I was comparing my children (miscommunication on that). It wasn’t my intention to sound that way because I really wasn’t. I was stating what each did or didn’t do yesterday. My children are very different and I’m aware of this. While one did hurt my feelings I was over it by this morning at the latest. Each of my children can hurt my feelings. The other hurt them just as badly a couple of weeks ago.

Expectations entered into this conversation with Jack since our conversations can lead here or there.

Here’s the thing, I do have expectations for any relationship I am in. Whether that be with Dirk, a boyfriend, a friend, my children, my mother, or my sisters. Even co-workers. Each may have different kinds of expectations for it on my part but I do have them. The closer you are to me, I’d say the more I have for you.

As I’ve stated on here before many times, I always expect to be treated well. With honesty and respect. But there is more. Common courtesy to others is also an expectation I have.

Lovers I expect to be there for me. Not that I’m clingy but I expect to be able to depend on those I let that deeply into my life. I may not call on that often but I do expect it to be there.

Family, since I am remarkable close to mine, I expect then to be there for me to almost the same degree.

Friends, well that depends on how close we are. I don’t actually have many real life friends that aren’t family.

Co-workers, well, I don’t expect them to be there for me to lean on if needed. But I expect their cooperation when our paths cross at work. Their respect and courtesy. (Maybe the courtesy thing is from living in the south all my life…but treating others as you’d like them to treat you shouldn’t be too much to expect.)

The further away a person is from my core life, the less I expect from them.

I’m a bit slow, maybe some would say very slow, to let someone in to my vulnerabilities. I’ve learned the hard way through life that not every one can be trusted. And I’m a private person for the most part. If you want to be that close to me, I will admit, in the end, I will expect things from you.

I don’t think expectations are wrong. There are times I could be better at communicating those expectations I’m sure.

When my expectations aren’t met, well, I’m going to communicate that as well. I may have to wait until the hurt, anger, or whatever I’m feeling is dealt with. I can’t always voice things well and constructively when under extreme emotions.

To me, expectations of others is part of a relationship.

Staying Friends With An Ex

Why is the concept of staying friends with an ex such a hard one to grasp for many people? Maybe the majority of people? What am I missing when I believe that it is possible?

I’ve lost touch with exes but once the healing point is past I’ve never thought I wasn’t willing to be friends of some kind. Why would I? I obviously saw something in this person that appealed to me. How would that completely go away just because we were no longer romantically involved?

Granted, this was all in my teenage years until recently. But I feel that way even now.

In high school my very best friend was an ex boyfriend. What would I have missed out on if we hadn’t been willing to get past that and find what we were truly meant to be to each other?

I’m at the stage now where I could be friends with Chane. I would actually like that. I know that we aren’t going to be best friends with the situation as it is. But what’s wrong with occasionally talking? What’s wrong wtih letting him know if I come across something I think he may like to know, would enjoy seeing or hearing? I personally don’t find a problem with that.

Such was the case either yesterday or Monday. I sent a text to Chane sharing what I had found with him. Not a big deal to me personally. But I found myself wondering how he would take it and how Arwen would take it and I questioned whether I should have sent it. Now that I find sad and disappointing.  Questioning myself on making contact with a person I was in a relationship with for four years.

And it got me to thinking about how others feel about this. Do you normally cease all contact when you split with someone? Or do you strive to stay friends? Do you think it is different depending on whether you are poly or mono?

Days of Truth: Someone You Didn’t Want to Let Go, But Just Drifted

In high school, my best friend was a guy. Yep, really. We tried the boyfriend/girlfriend thing once. Best friends is what we ended up as.

I stayed in touch with him through letters even after I was married. Considering how jealous Dirk would get in the beginning this is actually amazing I suppose. Then again, even though they had never met (still haven’t) I think he could tell what it was with us.

I guess I should say that I had to move away while still in high school and that’s the beginning of the drifting. Of course the same may have happened after graduating even if we lived in the same state.

He and I kept in touch. I got married and we kept in touch. He got married and it started being just Christmas cards from him. Then it was Christmas cards signed by his wife. Then it was nothing.

I haven’t heard from him in years.

I google him to try and find him now, have looked on Facebook and such and I can’t find him.

I’d really like to get in touch with him to catch up.

I guess we lost touch because he got married. It’s the mono thing I imagine. I thought this before poly ever entered my life. I can’t think of much else. I don’t suppose his wife liked him keeping in touch with another woman, much less an old girlfriend (even if that was very, very brief). A concept that I’ve never really embraced even when mono.

I would like to know how he is doing, where he’s at in his life. Does he have grandchildren yet? Maybe not, as if I remember correctly his children are a few years younger than mine. But you never know.

Oh, one thing I know from the Christmas cards is that we have sons with the same name….one of each of ours. And he named another of his a name Dirk and I were thinking of. Just odd, interesting facts.

Anyway, I’d love to sit down with him alone, with him and our partners as well, and catch up one day.

What Will The New Year Bring to My Life and My Blog?

My life;
I don’t usually make resolutions each year as I feel I shouldn’t try to improve just once a year only. And there’s the fact that I just procrastinate. I haven’t always been that way….procrastinating. I used to plan everything, and I mean everything.

When my children were in a car accident over 5 years ago and one of them almost died, I had a drastic change in that behavior.

Then, came the last four years of learning to deal with and thrive in polyamory. In the beginning things were so difficult that I didn’t have emotional resources to cope with much of anything else. I don’t always know how I made it through sane and happy and glad for the journey. Now, I’ve just gotten lazy and disorganized I feel.

What I would like to find is a happy middle ground. I’ve been to the extreme on both sides and somewhere between those two points would be nice.

Though resolutions aren’t normally my thing, I do have a tendency to take stock of things ever of often. I have been reevaluating relationship wants verses relationship requirements lately.

If you’ve read some of my blog, you’ll know that I struggle with my relationship with Chane. I love him and I’ve come to realize he loves me too. But aren’t there times that isn’t the issue? The loving part? There are times you can irrationally love someone you aren’t truly compatible with. I don’t get out of this relationship some things I want/need. And I’m learning that the major things are not so much wants as needs. Or I guess requirements.

I’ve tried to compromise for a few reasons. One being, I have two different relationships. With two different men. They should NOT be the same. And differences should be something you take pleasure in. I’ve come to realize from my perspective that different doesn’t have to mean I’m doing without a core need of mine. It seems there are things I just can’t compromise on.

Trust. I need to feel I can trust a person. We blindly trust people to an extent before we come to know them. Not with deep personal stuff but we seem to begin a relationship, of any kind, with the belief that this person is not bad. With the assumption that is isn’t their goal in life to hurt us. If the bare basics of limited knowledge of each other holds that trust to be valid, we start sharing more and as each step continues that way, we find ourselves building trusting relationships.

In an intimate, romantic relationship, I need to know I can trust this person. I’ve opened myself up to this person to get to this point. Will he catch me when I fall? Will he step out of his comfort zone to stand for what we have? I may never need a lover to do that but I need to know if it came down to it, he would. Not to the detriment of other relationships he has. No, I wouldn’t want that. But, even as a secondary to him, there will be times he needs to be there for me. To say, “I chose to love this person and I will back that up.”.

I’ve realized that the constant stress and fear of someone outside my relationship having control of said relationship is something I no longer am willing to live with. I don’t like knowing that Arwen controls whether I am in a relationship with Chane or not and that she can define what that relationship is. I don’t like that Chane won’t stand for our rights.

I need/require a man who will talk with me. Who will share feelings with me. Who is willing to work at making a relationship work instead of letting it coast or ignoring when it starts heading back in reverse. I’ll open myself up to you, I need the same from you. I need you to be willing to have open, honest, and at times, difficult discussions with me. I don’t like sweeping things under the rug. It does not work for me, I will only withdraw into myself. I try not too but I know my limits and you reject me in that way too many times and I will stop making myself vulnerable to you.

I’ve done my best over the years to explain there things to Chane. He doesn’t appear to listen and changes the subject normally. He blows me off.

What will become of he and I? I don’t have much hope at this point. I now am very aware of my core relationship needs. His are not the same. I’m just willing to give things one final try if he will cooperate. But I don’t see it.

So, if/when things end, I don’t believe I will seek out another BF for a while. I’m a bit exhausted from this one. LOL

Besides, I have a good man in my life. One that I’ve been with through hell and he came out the other side with me. A man that will hold my hand when I grieve the loss of a BF. A man that will encourage me to find another when I feel able. A man and a relationship that most people would envy me for . Almost 29 years!

Will I love monogamously? Maybe. At least for a time. I suppose you could say it would be monogamous by circumstance and not by beliefs. I will always believe poly is a viable alternative. I will most likely have a BF again one day. When the time comes for me to try again, I will have more experience under my best and better understanding of what I need. And that’s a good thing.

My blog;
I’ve committed to posting once a week. I’d prefer once a day but I know internet access for me isn’t easy these days.

I have a poly blog. I enjoy writing about that. I want others to know they are not alone in this. The journey has been an long, difficult and rewarding one. However, what can I really write about poly? I’ve covered much. I need to get some thoughts bouncing around more concrete and maybe revisit some things.

But—–should I expand? Should I take some or the topics being suggested in the challenge and write about them in general? Not always make it around poly?

Hmmm? If you are reading this, please let me know what your thoughts on that are.

How To Explain

I have the hardest time explaining how loving someone else doesn’t mean I love my husband less. Or how I can be ok with him loving someone else. Doesn’t that mean he can’t give me 100% of his love? Doesn’t that mean I’m not enough for him? These are the biggest questions that my family seems to have for me (other than the morality of sex with someone other than your spouse).

How can I explain that I have let go of thinking Dirk belongs to me. That he is mine. The truth really is that he has never been mine. He is his own. We are married and we chose to be because we wanted the other in our life. It was a choice we both made. Though we fell for the society mandate hook line and sinker. I will never say that it was easy to go from the monogamous mentality to the polyamorous mentality. It wasn’t. However, it has been a great journey even if very painful at times.

I have said here more than once that Dirk and I could live monogamously again (due to circumstances we are very close to that now) but we will  never again believe that is the only way to go.

How can I explain the compersion I feel when I see or listen to Dirk tell me about his time with Arwen? How do I explain that it is a wondrous feeling especially on the heels of jealousy and pain his behavior has caused? How can I explain how much closer he and I are due to this journey we are on?

I don’t expect everyone to agree with me or convert to poly. I would just like to make myself understood.

Dates and Life

Within the last week we have had a quad date that went amazingly well. I think we were all looking forward to that. And I had an individual date with Chane. It was good as well.

I think things are settling in for the moment.

I had so much free time and I’m slowly starting to fill those hours with the business ventures I’m trying out. Which is part of the reason I’ve not been posting and even reading online as much as I was. That part I miss but I hope to better adjust my time once I get used to things.

Also, I’m not having alot of drama in my life especially in regards to poly and I need to learn to write about normal life in an interesting way.

Dirk has been working so many hours that I feel as if I haven’t really spent any time with him. And I’m sure Arwen feels the same. We don’t even get to talk with him that much. This should be over soon at his work and I know that his whole department is worn out and they are all looking forward to some time off. I look forward to some quality time with him.

From Primary to Secondary

I believe it is evident that I’ve been struggling for a while. It’s true that Chane and I needed a good talk and it went well.

I’ve been wondering what we each came away from that talk with. I can’t really say for Chane, but for me….I think it’s finally dawned on me that, while I would say that I’m his secondary and in my head I believed that, in my heart I wasn’t prepared to let go off being more. So, I’m trying to adjust, in my head and my heart, to going from basically another primary of his to a true secondary. This is a bit difficult for me.

I’m reading and thinking and trying to figure out what rights a secondary has. What one should settle for. Things like that.

And I’m trying to decide if I what to open up our polyfi relationship. I think that I do but bad enough to upset or hurt a couple of the others? I want to open it because what we agreed on in the beginning was basically two marriages for each of us. That is not what we have. And needs that I opened myself up to and believed would be met aren’t. I spend just as much time alone. I have to be the one to instigate any of us getting together most of the time.

I don’t want the NRE as that can seem to cause problems. Well, I’ve never had that for the most part. And frankly, even with all his changes, I just do not know how Dirk would handle any NRE at all on my part. I want to find someone that could met a few of my needs. Another secondary. Preferably with someone whose partner either doesn’t have issues or is at least willing to admit to having them and will work on them.

I’m feeling right now that I want to open things up or close them again and live monogamously.